Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.