Reader's Question - Where Exactly In The Bible Does It Say One Man And One Woman?

Reader's Question: Emily Dixon, since you're the scholar. . .where exactly in the Bible does it say one man and one woman?

I know there is the leave and cleave verse. I know there is the verse about when you have sex you become joined to that person. ( I can look up references if you'd like). Of course I am all about one woman for one man BUT I am reading in the OT right now and David was a man after God's own heart and in 2 Samuel 5:10-13 David gets blessed and the first thing he does is go out and marry more women.

So what's up with that? Is he just sinning? Or was it a cultural thing that made it okay then but not now? That can't be right either. Because God is the one who determines what sin is. . .

But anyway, I think that the Victorians are the ones who came up with some of our modern ideas like falling in love and soulmates. . .

Scratching my head over here and fuming at David for having multiple wives because I think it's wrong!

This is one of the things I love about the Bible – It tells us what did happen and not what should have happened! None of our spiritual greats were whitewashed or cleaned up. God presents them to us warts and all, and one of the reasons I find it to be so trustworthy. God could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he had…oh, I don’t know? Lied. But he didn’t he chose the hard way, the honest way, and in doing so ran counter to every other known religion of man. It’s a pretty gutsy move if you think about it.

It also serves a purpose, in reading accounts like David and his multiple wives, we are reminded the Bible always points us back to God as the only source of salvation. He allowed humans to be a part of his divine plan, but in the end, he is the only one who is holy, righteous, and able to save us from ourselves.

But back to your question:

I might as well get the fun part over with, the part that rarely makes Christians happy – there is no Biblical, blanket prohibition against polygamy. You can look, but it is just not there.

This leads us to two questions:

1. Why wasn’t polygamy forbidden if it was wrong?
2. Where do we get the idea that marriage is between one man and one woman?

Let’s start with question one: We must remember that God works within time and cultures to bring about his will. This has meant that many times instead of simply declaring something wrong or sinful, he has lead by example. Planting the seeds, and then allowing them to flourish as his people learned more about him and his divine plan for humanity. We can see how this works with polygamy, and answer question two at the same time.

The question of marriage begins in Genesis 1 and 2, when God creates Adam and Eve. We are presented with an ideal world, and in this ideal world we find one man and one woman. Polygamy would not be introduced until Lamech, the son of Cain, in Genesis 4:19. Notice that two things here: 1. We are now in a fallen world. 2. Lamech is the son of Cain who would also be remembered for following in his father’s footsteps of murder, but added pride to his list of sins. (See Genesis 4:23, 24.) In these passages we are given a clear contrast between what God intended and what sinful men did.

But the patriarchs? Someone is asking. Yup, the patriarchs had multiple wives, but when you read their tales, Abraham and Jacob, is there any way that we can interpret this as a positive thing? When Abraham decided to take Hagar as his concubine/second wife (we can go into the distinction in a later post) it was not an act of faith or obedience. Instead, it was a desperate attempt to help God out. The consequences were disastrous and many trace the ongoing violence in the Middle East, even of today, back to this event. Jacob had four wives, or two wives and two concubines if you wish to be technical, and the rivalries between the women and their children ripped his house a part. The Bible is not offering these stories as endorsements, but rather as cautionary tales. This is also true of David’s multiple wives, we see how it led to nothing but grief for him and his children. We could go, but that would result in something a bit too long for a blog post.

So how did we go from polygamy being tolerated to being forbidden?

First of all, God introduced laws that made polygamy more and more impractical. The first of these laws were directed to the population as a whole. (See Exodus 21:9-11, Deuteronomy 21:15-17, and Deuteronomy 17:17.) However, he upped the ante for those who occupied a, for lack of a better word, more holy position such as the priests who were not allowed to have more than one wife. (Leviticus 21:13.)

But the real death blow to polygamy were the words of the prophets who, in the eyes of the rabbis, equated polygamy with idolatry. Consider these verses:

“And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. Hosea 2:16-20 

Israel Forsakes the LORD The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the LORD, “I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown. Israel was holy to the LORD, the firstfruits of his harvest. All who ate of it incurred guilt; disaster came upon them, declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 2:1-3

I would also include Ezekiel 16, a chapter that really should be read in its entirety to be appreciated, and the last chapter of Proverbs. At first glance, it might seem that these verses had little to do with polygamy, but this is where one more piece of the puzzle will clarify the picture. The prophets did not merely speak a message, they lived their message. Their lives were to be a living, breathing example of God’s revelation of truth, and so while they are busy talking about the beauty of God’s marriage to Israel they are also embodying it. And how did they do that? Through monogamous marriages.

Now, if you go looking for a verse that states that you are not going to find it. We know this about their marriages two ways: 1. They never reference multiple wives in any of their writings. Instead, they talk of one wife. 2. This is the history preserved about them by the Jewish community in rabbinic writings in which multiple debates on this matter were recorded. And we should not overlook the fact that most of these ideas were already being solidified in Jesus time, so the definitions of marriage based on this reasoning was inherited by the Christian church. The Jewish understanding of what marriage was and how it functioned as symbol of God’s love for his chosen people served as the basis for our Christian understanding of what marriage should be.

When discussing marriage with the Rabbis of his day, Jesus refers back to the ideal of Genesis one. Paul places the restriction upon leaders in the church based on the Levitical command for the priests. Peter expands the idea, indirectly, in his affirmation that all believers are part of this new royal priesthood. And it makes perfect sense that we would adhere to this standard if we affirm that as Christians we are to emulate Jesus, the bridegroom of the Church, husband to one wife.

So do we have a single verse that definitively defines marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman? No, we definitely do not. The closest thing we have is the leave and cleave verse cited by my questioner (Matthew 19:4-6, Mark 10:6-9). And while I consider that definitive enough, I know that it is not as direct as many wish it would be. However, when we pull all the pieces of the puzzle together, we have a rather convincing case that monogamy is God’s design, and one that he has chosen for himself.

But not to forget the question of David – he was sinning.

And he shall not acquire many wives for himself, lest his heart turn away, nor shall he acquire for himself excessive silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17 

David allowed the customs of his day to dictate his actions, and in doing so set the precedent for Solomon who would take his father’s behavior to extremes. Solomon’s heart was turned away, and the kings that would follow in his footsteps would seek to emulate his glory instead of seeking the heart of God. These pursuits would leave the nation spiritually bankrupt and led into exile for their sins.

It is hard for us to think of David entertaining sin and still being man after God’s own heart, but I think it is important for us to see the whole picture of who he was. He was a sinner. He was guilty of so much, sins so heinous that he would not be welcomed into most churches today, but God is bigger than our sin. God isn’t frightened by it, and he doesn’t miss who we really are beneath our stupid, prideful actions. He knows that in this world we are going to screw up, but he isn’t looking for perfection. He is looking for hearts that seek to know him even in the midst of our failings. Is this permission to do whatever we wish? No, it is encouragement not to give up, to keep chasing after God’s heart, and to seek him even when our sins so black that they are all the world can see in us. He is there declaring he sees more and celebrating any and all who will rely upon him to wash these sins from our hearts.