Reader's Question: How Do Single People Not Give Into Lust?

Reader’s Question:

How do single people not give into lust? At least married people get to have sex. If a (single) person is trying to stay Godly, it sure isn’t easy.

Let me begin with a confession, I was single for over a decade between my marriages, and I wasn’t always successful in combatting the temptation to lust myself. It was a constant, ongoing battle to keep my thoughts and desires in line. The good news is that God redeems all things even the battles we lose, if we are willing to take them to him with honesty and sincerity. And one of the ways he is redeeming my failures is through being able to share the lessons I learned during that time.

One of the first things we need to acknowledge is that we were designed to have sex, to crave it even. There is a level of intimacy that only occurs within a sexual relationship, all sorts of healthy benefits are experienced both participants, and let’s just face the facts, nothing feels as good as sex does when it is done right. Now, I know that we aren’t supposed to admit this, particularly not to single people, who are all virgins in our perfectly sanitized view of the world, but this brings up two other facts that we need to acknowledge:

1. The majority of single people, including Christian Singles, are not virgins. With most people becoming sexually active at an average age of 17 and the high divorce rates, the majority of the single population has been sexually active as some point in their past even if they are abstaining now.

2. We do not live in a perfectly sanitized Christian world, and to create such a view of it for ourselves is called lying. To paraphrase Jesus, cut it out and really look at the world around you. Luke 4.

So now that we know that sex is a part of our lives and was meant to be so, we need to figure out what to do with this God given desire that leads so many of us astray? I don’t claim to have definitive answers, but I can share what worked for me after plenty of trial and error on my part.

We have to stop fighting it. I mean really, we have to stop actively resisting the urge to lust. I know this is counter to everything you have ever been taught, but follow me on this. What am I thinking about when I am trying to convince myself not to lust after a hot piece of man meat? If you answered the hot piece of man meat, then you are correct.

As a friend so aptly put it last night, “We are a tapestry of many things. We are all of them. If we struggle too hard against part of oneself, it gets stronger.” Lust is one of those things that makes up who we are, we are not going to eradicate, but we can direct it. In fighting it, we are declaring its power to define and control us. And as I sit here today, looking back at some of the men I lusted after, I am so glad that my lust does not get to define me.

Now, obviously, I am not saying that we should just give into lust. What I am saying is that we need to use some different tactics – tactics that do not always look like they have anything to do with the problem.

First step: Figure out what feeds your lust. We want to starve it into submission, so we cut off the food source. Pornography, erotica, romance novels, romantic movies, and that piece of eye candy that keeps drawing you back to the coffee shop that you really don’t like otherwise? Yeah, he’s got to go too. Obviously, we can’t cut all the beautiful people out of lives, but we can and should distance ourselves from the ones we aren’t required to be around. It’s like the purging the kitchen before starting a diet, get all the junk food out of the cupboards and pitch it. Yes, they still serve an amazing coconut pie at the diner down the street, but it takes a lot more work to indulge those appetites if you are having to get dressed, start the car, and fight traffic to shovel some in your face.

Second step: Find your vision.  I know, what does this have to do with lust or sex? Everything.

Have you ever taken the ice cubes out of a glass of sweet ice tea? Did you notice the holes in the tea where the ice cubes once were? No, me neither. Our minds operate in much the same way, take out one thought and another thought is going to rush in to fill the empty space.

However, have you got in a hurry poured the tea just a bit too fast, and had it splash all over the table? What floats right out the top and out of the glass? The ice! And this is what you must do with that vision. You have flood you heart, mind, and soul with it to the point that all the icy lust (or would it be lusty ice?) ends up on the table.

This is why it can’t be just any old vision. It has to be the type of vision that consumes you to the point there isn’t any room for anything else in your life. It has fill you up and run out all over the table and the floor, so that everyone who comes in contact with you knows this is your passion – and that is why this is so important.

Passion that needs to a target. Some thing or someplace where it can be unleashed without fear of damaging ourselves or someone else, and ideally where all the strength and power of it can do some good. The problem is that our flesh craves passion. I do not even have to explain to you the truth of that statement. Anyone who has ever felt hungry hands on their skin knows this is true, and it is so easy to dump the passion into the nearest gaping maw. It’s a simple, it’s natural, and we do not have to put one ounce of effort into it, but when you feed all that passion to your flesh it becomes lust.
And you have to keep all that passion somewhere, because even if you determine not to feed your flesh with it and just bottle it up and hold it in, it becomes something else. We call that bitterness, and that is not something you want laying around your heart. All it takes is one hot day and those bottles explode, all over you and everything you love.

Third step: Select what I call some “Go To Thoughts.” These are some prepackaged thoughts that you can pull up on the fly when you feel those lustful urges begin to well up, and this one way you are going to use your vision as way to combat lust. When you build your vision, don’t just have some grand but vague idea, get specific.

For instance, it was not enough for me to say that I wanted to help other women avoid the mistakes I had made or to help them heal from similar experiences. I had decide how I wanted to do that. I envisioned conferences, retreats, and meetings in my home. I planned out the venues, the session topics, how I would present the information, and who I wanted involved. I began designing a house that would be a warm and inviting respite for my guests. Then I began to research how to make this happen, I talked to others pursing or living a similar vision, I went back to school, got the necessary degrees, and I began looking for the best ways to use the tools I already had on hand.
Most importantly, I knew that everything I wanted to accomplish would be endangered if I lived a life that was counter to the very ideas I would one day be sharing with others. And with that knowledge, I was able to flip my thinking. No longer was I saying no to my desires which only left me feeling deprived and sorry for myself. I was actually saying yes to something that was so much more important to me than a few minutes of pleasure – and I like saying yes to me!

Now this is where those “Go To Thoughts” come in, if a lustful thought pops up, you have something to replace and displace it with. Instead of telling yourself no, you say yes to the vision. Instead of telling yourself, don’t think about that (which inevitably leads to thinking about that), you tell yourself to think about that future you have envisioned. Stroll through that house in your mind, tweak the placement of those windows, move the sink to the other side of the kitchen, decide you want a red couch and not a blue one. Practice saying those words you want others to hear, plan an event, research conference centers in Houston, and call a friend to get their advice. If you are pursuing your vision with passion, there isn’t going to be a lot of time or energy left to entertain lust. In other words, you aren’t going to have anything to feed it.

Step four: I am not putting this here because it is the least important. I am putting it here because if you only remember one of these steps, it need to be this. Get honest - raw, brutally, and nasty honest with yourself and God.

I believe anything in excess is sin, and that is all lust is – an excess of desire to please and serve one’s self by using someone else as an object to exploit. It is saying that the pursuit of my pleasure is greater than God’s desires for me. Lust does not ask for another’s consent or bother itself with their object’s desires or what might please them. Lust demands that its object’s pleasure be fulfilled in our desire for them, that the object gives itself as a sacrifice to our wants, and that all we know to be good, true, and right be pushed aside so that we might have a moment of bliss.

What an affront to the God of Love! The God who demonstrated how love puts aside its own comfort and pleasure by leaving his place in heaven, to walk among us as one of us, and to die a brutal death upon a cross so that we in turn might walk in love with him. A God who became the sacrifice because he loved you so much that he would extend an invitation to a relationship where each could experience the joys of knowing and being known – where love is given and received, not simply taken to satisfy his desires.

God placed boundaries on our sexual expressions for a reason. He knew that if we allowed lust to rule us we would be destroyed by passions. He knew the emotional, mental, and physical scars that unfettered lust leaves upon us, and he asks to respect the boundaries so that we can avoid the pain that makes his heart ache on our behalf. Because that is what love does, it places the needs of another above our own. God’s ego and heart is not so fragile or hungry that he must appease us to that he might bask in the shallow affirmations of those who can only love when it feels good. And he does not need our obedience so that he can feel like the great and powerful Oz. Instead, he loves us with a love that is selfless enough to put our needs ahead of any wants he might have, and in doing so exemplifies the splendor of true and holy love.

So we get honest, we repent, and we honor God’s love for us by placing his desires and good pleasure above our own. We acknowledge that anything God loves as much as he loves us is worthy of highest form of love from another, and we honor the God of Love who lives within us by offering the highest form of love we may give another. And when we love like that, lust loses its grip on our hearts. It becomes a momentary distraction whose power to define us has been lost, because we have surrendered that right to the only one truly capable of defining his creation.