Financial Sense and Bad Attitudes - A Confession

Years ago, back when I was single mom, I realized that my financial situation was always going to be one of constant jeopardy. I was raising my kids on less than $10,000 a year, the ex had (and has) forgotten that child support would be nice gesture, and let’s face it, none of my degrees lend themselves to lucrative careers. In fact, I read in one article that if you didn’t want make any money with your college degree, get degrees in the arts, psychology, and religious studies – guess what I have degrees in? The correct answer is all three! I’ve always been an overachiever like that.

Despite all this, I was pretty okay with where I was. Sure the numbers didn’t makes sense, and the fact that we never starved or lived on the streets was due in large part to my family who helped with things like childcare while I worked or went to school, an expense that devastates almost every single mom’s budget. Food was pretty much whatever the tribe was giving out in commodities, what we grew in the family garden, and ramen noodles, but overall, we were happy.

I figured out how to not dwell on our money matters, live within our budget, and to do without things we did not absolutely need. So there weren’t a lot of extras like cable TV, gaming systems, manicures, or trips to the zoo. We just made the best of what we had. It wasn’t always easy and a minor catastrophe like needing new tires or a hot water heater could set us back for months, but somehow things always worked out.

Then I got married. Now, this was a good thing, and I was delighted to have married a hard-working man who was willing to take on the financial risks and responsibilities of me and my two kids. After years of debating on whether or not new socks were really necessary or could be afforded at that particular time, it was liberating to just go to the store and buy socks whenever dang well pleased.

But something happened to me in the past five years, something I didn’t realize until recently.

Somewhere in the midst of being able to buy socks and not having to wonder if fresh oranges were an extravagance, I forgot that my security did not lie in the size of my husband’s pay check.

Now God has a way of getting your attention, and well, he’s been working overtime on me since the first of the year. Ty and I were slammed with several things that sapped our money. Some avoidable with better planning and self-discipline, and some so completely out of our control that I had to wonder if God had sadistic streak. This meant that several of our plans for things we were going to do this year had to be ditched, and I am not talking trips to Tahiti, I am talking about things most people take for granted as part of being a functioning adult in our society. (Which really shows you how much I lost sight of the goal – since when did I ever want to be a function adult?)

To make matters even more poignant, there was about a six week spell in there when I was contacted almost every day by someone celebrating a blessing in their lives. And not just any old run of the mill blessing. No, they were happy because they had received – often unexpectedly or by almost supernatural providence – things that I had specifically expressed a desire for. Seriously, if I said I wanted purple wigwaddle but had recognized it as an unnecessary expense or completely outside my budget for the foreseeable future, one of my friends would suddenly come into possession of a purple wigwaddle. And as part of being a real friend is to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, I did my best to do my part. But let me tell you, after about six weeks of this, I was starting to lose my cool. Not with my friends, they typically had no idea that they were rubbing salt wounds and would have avoided doing so if they had a clue. No, I was losing my cool with God.

After all, HE knew I wanted a wigwaddle and he could have zapped one into my front yard at any given time if he had so desired. But nooooo, he gave it to someone who has absolutely no idea how to properly appreciate a wigwaddle, let alone the proper care and grooming of one.  And as if that wasn’t enough, he was requiring that I be a good sport about it if I were to properly live out my faith. I am not going to lie this is where I demonstrated some pretty awesome acting skills, but inside I was starting to seethe.

Then along comes my child who decides to spend an evening around the fire talking about the days when we had nothing, but when our house was open to everyone, when people showed up unannounced to sit and talk. When our lives were too full to worry about money, and the amazing experiences they allowed us to know as they shared their stories, asked their questions, and wrestled through the hard issues of life on a worn out couch or by an open fire. When people we had just met showed up with bags of groceries to prepare a feast in our home as way to repay for us for the kindness of opening our home to them.

In those days, money was an issue but it was rarely a worry. I knew in my gut that we were going to be alright and nothing could touch us that didn’t pass through the Father’s hand. Times were tough, and God always likes to wait for the last minute before providing an answer, but I had figured out how to rest, to be expectant, and how to deny dread a place in my heart. Perhaps it was because I was more spiritual back then, or maybe it was the only way to survive the uncertainty without going crazy. I don’t know, but I do know that I wasn’t upset about my friends getting the things I wanted. I was genuinely happy for them and their success. Sure sometimes, I had to press through to get there, but I did it with an ease and grace I seemed to have forgotten lately.

And frankly, I don’t like that. I don’t like being a petty person who is so wrapped up in my own angst that I forgot how to rejoice with my friends. So this week I started over. That’s the beautiful thing about this faith we call Christianity, we get to do that. I talked things over with God, let him know how I was feeling, and told him I was going to need some help because some rebellious part of me likes the self-righteous anger I had been entertaining. I told him that despite that I know that is not the truest part of who I am or who I want to be, and that I was sorry for putting my wants ahead of him and what he was trying to do in my life.

I am not going to tell you that since I got my attitude right God is going to send me a $200,000 check in the mail. I mean he might, but if that was the only reason I confronted this ugly bit of me then I sorta missed the point. In fact, that type of expectation would just show that I was still hoping money was going to solve all my problems, not God. See, he’s far more creative in his solutions than any methodologies I would prescribe, and I need to be okay with that. It is part of walking in faith, and even more importantly, it is part of letting God be God without imposing my rules upon him. Because if I were real honest, I have to admit that when I let him do his thing and get out of his way, his methods blow my mind and leave me in awe. I simply do not have the depth of imagination or scope of knowledge to dream up the wondrous things he brings into being, and those are the things I truly want to experience in my life.

So until he does whatever it is he is going to do, I am going to do three things: I am going to faithful with what he has given me. I am going to see every blessing my friends experience as proof that God is still able and willing to bring good things into the lives of those who love him. And I am going to keep my heart and eyes open in expectation for the mind blowing and awe inspiring things I certain he has in store for me, my family, and my friends.

The Desire That Leads To Destruction

But if we have food and clothing, with these things we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. I Timothy 6:8- 10

Did you catch that? Verse eight, did you see it? I don’t ever think a verse ever hurt me as much as that one did this morning.

“But if we have food and clothing, with these things we will be content.” It still stings.

You see my list was little longer. Okay, a lot longer, and I thought I was being all holy with how short I was keeping it. I mean, I don’t want anything too outrageous, a house with a big porch and bathtub, a new car to replace the gas guzzling truck I drive, a laptop that wasn’t a Toshiba, a piece of land with a creek and lots of hills and trees, a few new clothes, maybe a hot tub to soak away some of these knots in my shoulders, one of those fancy oil diffusers that can cure cancer and give me super powers, and a bunch of books. Alright, a whole bunch of books, so many books that even I knew I was boarding on intellectual gluttony, but I wanted them for the right reasons so it had to be okay, right?

But that’s not what my Bible says I need to be content. Just food and clothing, both of which I have and so much more besides.  No amount of self-righteous justification can negate what God has told us, and as much as my stubborn heart wants to cling to my supposed right to have more and wallow in the unjustness of being denied, I have been faced with the choice of obedience or rebellion with my attitude. Now any move I make from this point forward is deliberate faith in or denial of his word. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.

But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.

It is easy to justify the desire to be rich. Do you know what I could accomplish with a million or so dollars? The good I could do with that amount of money? I do. I have played out the scenario a million times in my head, and I think of how please God would be with my generosity and vision.

But somewhere along the way, I fell into the trap of thinking that he needed me to be rich in order accomplish all this great and wonderful stuff. Slowly, my heart was turned away from his amazing ability to act despite circumstance or perceived resources and I began to think that success relied upon my financial status. My view of God became small, and my sense of self became far too great.

You see, the snare isn’t the money. It’s the desire that entraps us, for I know of no desire that is ever satisfied with what is before it, with what it has had. Desire always craves more – more money, more power, more significance, and everything else promised by our ideas of wealth. So we are tempted to lie, to cheat, to steal, to break promises, and even to betray those we love. Because in our twisted sense of reality it will be okay if we just have more, we can buy back the love we might lose, we can buy back the reputation we destroy, and we can buy back the relationships we have betrayed once we have more. But that is not how it works, not in truth, not in reality. For there will never be enough, we will always be found lacking in our own eyes, certain that our failure to have more is the same as the failure to be more.

Once we have crossed that line, we are rejecting the truth that God’s love for us is based in who we are and not what we have, then desperation is all that remains. Senseless and harmful choices will follow in close succession as we continue in a cycle that will consume all that we had and all that we are in the futile attempt to appease a desire that will never be satisfied. Destruction and ruin are all that will be left to us, not because God has forgotten or neglected us, but because this is the reality we chose when we wandered from the faith that once sustained us. The pangs we will endure, we inflict on ourselves, and there is none to blame but the one who chose to nurture the desire that God warned would bring our destruction.

But if we have food and clothing, with these things we will be content, secure in the knowledge that we are children of Father who declares us priceless and of unspeakable value. For that is riches that no power on earth can take away.

Digging Deeper Psalm 107

Well, I bet you thought I was done writing about Psalms 107:1, 2, but yesterday's post barely scratched the surface. One of the really amazing things about the Bible is that has been so perfectly crafted that each and every part ties in with every other part. How deep and far you go with a Bible study is determined only by your strength of character and will. I can honestly say that I have never fully exhausted the significance or beauty of a single verse no matter how many times I have dissected it. There is always something marvelous to discover.

Let’s begin with the first words, “give thanks”.  In the Hebrew this is a single word, הֹדוּ, which conveniently enough means “give thanks”, but one the things you quickly learn about Hebrew is that is rarely that simple. It is a language of pictures and images that take us beyond the abstract and move us into realm of action.

Allow me to demonstrate. If I were simply to list the definitions provided in the Brown-Driver-Briggs (BDB), you would find that the root of this word means to throw or to cast, confess, or to shoot an arrow as well as to give thanks. When you find such a diverse definition you have to fight off our rather English speaking tendency to focus simply on one while ignoring the rest. For someone who grew up speaking Hebrew all of these images would have been brought to mind even as they understood the primary meaning intended by the speaker or writer. It was in the multiplicity of images that the nuances that escape the translators grasp that the original audience would have understood the directive within this word.

To cast or to throw and to shoot an arrow are terms of warfare and precision. Remember that this song was commissioned by David, and what is he best known for? I believe it had something to do with a stone cast at a giant. Do you think it was an accident that a Psalm written at his behest included this term? Neither do I. We could pause here and consider the Hebrew word for sin, חׇטׇן, which includes a definition of “missing the goal or way”. Is there the implication that giving thanks is how we strive to hit the mark? Maybe. I think a case could be made, but I will let you ponder that while we move on.

Confess, now there is an interesting definition. As a reader, we should ask how this fits into the theme of the verse. If read further, we find that “the redeemed of the Lord (should) say so.” When you start putting the pieces together you begin to see that thanksgiving requires an acknowledgment of what has been done, and in this case God has been in the business of redeeming what was lost – the Ark of the Covenant and his people. So what did they have to confess? That they had been lost, that in a symbolic way they had lost him and his presence, that they needed redemption, and without that component they have nothing to be thankful for because God would have had nothing to do.  

If we do some more digging, we find that this word is used again in the Proverbs. (And who wrote Proverbs? Solomon, David’s son. Do I detect another connection?) Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who covers his faults will never succeed. He who confesses (הֹדוּ) and gives them up to the LORD will be shown compassion.” Compassion, lovingkindness…I think I beginning to see a theme.  

And all of these things would have been communicated with that single word! To anyone who grew up speaking this amazing language, and they would have never needed all the two hundred and seventy six study guides I have my shelves or the five years I spent in seminary to figure it out.

Now if you still think you aren’t digging deep enough, let’s look at the letters for a moment. Remember Hebrew was not always written the way we see it today. It originated in pictographs and each letter has not only picture that is associated with it, it also has a concept embodied by that picture.

Let’s take the first letter of the word, ה. (Oh, and you should know that with Hebrew, we read right to left.) It is pronounced “hey”. To explain how we get to this letter’s meaning, we would have to make two trips around Katy’s barn and one to Egypt, so I’ll just let you look that up if you are so inclined, but it means revelation or breath – both concepts bound up tightly together throughout the Bible.

The second letter in our word is the ד, and it represents a door. Doors are places of entry, and the guest that we would desire to enter into this life and world is God. We invite him in through our actions and prayers.

The final letter is the ו, pronounced vav. It is a hook. Some say it is a peg or a nail, but the principle is the same. It is used to join things together.

Now that you know what each letter symbolizes, you can put them all together. God reveals (or manifests) himself, to enter into our lives and world, so that we might be joined with him.

(This is where I totally geek out.)

What else has the power to move a person to give thanks than God’s manifest presence? What could be more natural than to be thankful that he has enter our world? Could there be a more compelling reason to sing our thanksgiving than God joining with us? What else could drive us to confess our need of him than a revelation of our redeemer and king, and do so not in abject despair but in joyful thankfulness?  

But it is not a one way street, for intrinsic to the design is God’s response to our thanksgiving and confession. For as we move towards him, he is moving towards us. The lovingkindness that we had only glimpsed from afar, perhaps a vague memory of time before our birth, floods into this world as he enthrones himself on our praise. The goodness that had been a mere shadow before now manifest in dazzling splendor as he joins with us to redeem us as his own. As our outpouring of love pierces his heart like an arrow, he responds according to his nature causing us to delight in presence ever more deeply.

All the opposing, complimentary, completing, and balancing concepts bound up so tightly in a single word! Everything affirming that God’s ultimate desire is to live among us, to move and be moved by those who love him. At once, he gives us the action and result so that we can know they are but two sides of the same coin, concurrent and indivisible is his presence and our thankful confession of his love.

*There is so much more to go with these two verses. If you are interested in more of what I am learning in this homework assignment, let me know in the comments so I will know to keep sharing.