Reader’s Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

First of all, let me say, I hate getting this question. It ranks right up there with the second most dreaded question: should I marry this person? There is just too much responsibility involved! How am I supposed to know these things? Sure, I have an opinion. I have an opinion on literally everything, but whether or not you should listen to it, that’s another question entirely. Whether or not you should use it to plot out your life? I am not even certain I should be using it to plot out mine. So with all of that laid out on the table and kept clearly in mind, I will try to answer the question.

Obviously, I know a little more about this particular situation than I am sharing, because it really isn’t any of your business. Also while the particulars vary every time I am asked this one, my answer is always pretty much the same.

I am big believer in the “Three A’s” when it comes to reasons for Christians to divorce. If you are not familiar, they are adultery, abuse, and abandonment. On the surface these all seem like well-defined terms without much need for elaboration. However, it really isn’t as simple as it seems.

Adultery can encompass emotional affairs, addictions, pornography, and just about anything else where the one’s affection has been transferred to something else. Abuse does not have to involve physical violence, but can also include emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual abuse. Abandonment can be more than one person physically leaving the marriage, and can also refer to those situations where one spouse has emotionally and mentally checked out of the marriage. Space does not allow me to be more specific, but I go into all of this in greater detail in Scandalous.

I am also a big believer that while these are perfectly legitimate reasons to seek a divorce, they do not require you to get a divorce. More than one marriage has not only survived infidelity, but has gone on to thrive as the two people committed to work through the issues that led to the act. I have also known those who have been abandoned who waited faithfully for God to restore their marriage to have their spouses return to them more in love and committed than ever before. I have also witnessed many in abusive situations that did not include physical or sexual violence stay and work with their spouse to save their marriages.

Now, let me be perfectly clear on this, no one should ever stay in a violent situation. We are called to be good stewards of what we have been given, this includes ourselves, and allowing abuse that puts you or your children in danger is not being a good steward. If you are experiencing this, get out and get out now. Once you are safe, if you still believe that there is hope for your marriage, seek the help of professionals to guide you through a reconciliation process that should include repentance on the part of the abuser, accountability for both parties, and a sustained demonstration of change. Do not think that you can do this on your own, or that one tearful apology means that everything is fine now. You need outside, objective help. Do not return until you both seek and receive it.

 So if all of these things are reasons you can get a divorce but do not mean you don’t have to get a divorce, then we still need an answer to the question and therein lies the rub. I don’t know. Your best friend doesn’t know, you parents don’t know, and even your pastor doesn’t know. The only person with that type of knowledge is you.

Here is what I do know:

Divorce isn’t a sin. God designed marriage as the perfect union between two people, a way in which we could combine strengths and overcome weakness within an environment dedicated to helping us mature in him. However, he also recognized that we aren’t perfect and the people we marry aren’t perfect. He knew that not everyone could withstand the rigors of marriage, and there are some who will actively destroy the gift he has given to them in the love of another person. So he designed an escape hatch that we call divorce.

Someone is screaming at their computer, but God hates divorce. Yes, yes, he does, but go back and read that passage you are shouting. It is found in Malachi 2:16. Notice what he does not say in that passage, he does not call it a sin. He says that the problem lies in the lack of love, in the failure to guard ones spirit, and in being faithless. All of these things are a problem with God no matter where they are manifest in our lives, but that is the key – our lives. We cannot control the decisions of another person including our spouse, and if they choose to dishonor the promise they made to us then we have no responsibility in that. We can only choose to control our response, and sometimes the best response is to get out of the way and give God a clean shot.

And while you have your Bibles out, you should also look up Jeremiah 3. Pay close attention to verse 8.

I also know divorce changes you. I know because I have been there. There is nothing pretty about it, even when you are getting out of a horrific situation. No matter how good freedom might be, you are still going to grieve. A dream is dying, there is no way to avoid it, and when our dreams die a part of who we are dies.

 The only real advice I can offer you is this:

Search your heart, know why you are contemplating this decision. If it is just because you think you will be happier free of your marriage, you are buying into a lie. If you are doing it because they changed, you need to realize that so did you, it is called life, and part of marriage is learning to navigate the changes together. If it is because you feel dissatisfied or discontent, then you need to take responsibility for your own emotions and stop placing unrealistic expectations on someone else.

Determine what you can live with – not today, but ten years down the road. Can you leave now and feel like you did everything in your power to heal your marriage? Will you be able to look back and say, I did my best and it was all I could do, and say it with a clean conscience? Because you will, even after my ex wrapped his hands around my throat and tried to strangle the life out of me, I asked myself that question knowing that divorce was the only option I had left.

Refuse to make any decision until you have peace. Notice what I did not say, I did not say happiness because the two are entirely different critters. Peace is that quiet assurance that wells up in our souls that allows us to rest. Happiness is fleeting and easily destroyed. Peace can look past the tears and know that despite the pain the decision is one that leads you to wholeness and healing.

No one can answer these questions, only you can do that, but until you know the answers I can love you, I can pray for you, and I can support you in the search. That is what real friends do, we don’t make the decision for you. We simply offer the tools and the safe place to use them.

The Importance of Shame

Yesterday, I shared an interview that Charisma Magazine did with my friend Dennis Jernigan. Not that I was too fond of the way Charisma decided to twist his words into a click bait headline, or that they did a pretty hard cut and paste of what Dennis said within the article itself, but rather because I know Dennis and I believe that there are people who need to hear his story.

As I expected, there was an immediate reaction, and most of it was negative. There were several comments, but most of them revolved around the concept of shame. The idea being that even in telling his story he was and is, and if I know Dennis, will continue to heap shame upon others by declaring his victory over homosexuality.

All of this got me to thinking, which is always dangerous, when did shame become a bad thing?

Seriously, why do we automatically reject anything to do with shame? I know that there are times when shame is unhealthy and damaging. I know that it is always painful and that it can drive people to do some really awful things in their lives, but does that mean that shame should be avoided at all costs?

There is a part of me that would love to think that shame is a horrible emotion that we should just outright rejected in our lives. I never liked being ashamed and shame was what kept me from seeking help when I was in the middle of an abusive marriage. The weight of it all left me self-destructive and suicidal, and I only learned how to speak up when I managed to free myself from those feelings. Part of what I do now is help other women to free themselves of the shame that has kept them quiet so that they can walk towards healing and with confidence of God’s love for them. There really would have never been any need for my book Scandalous if so many women had not been bullied into silence by the destructive power of shame. So, yeah, I am not a big fan of that particular emotion.

But there is another story, one that I haven’t told all that often – probably because I have been, well, ashamed.

Sometime after my divorce, I found someone who made me happy. There are no words to describe how complete I felt with this person or how they eased all the wounds I carried since leaving the warzone of my marriage, but there was one problem. This person was unwilling to commit to loving only me. I knew I could never be happy hanging out on the fringes of their life. I wanted to be the center of their world, just like they had become the center of mine. So I did everything in my power to facilitate that. I began bending and twisting the rules, reinterpreting the decrees of my faith to make allowances for my lust, and justifying my actions under the guise of love.

God is the God of love, I told myself, and so he must want this for me. God would never allow me to feel such passion for something he did not bless. He would have never created me this way if he knew it would cause me to sin in his eyes, so I must not be sinning to do what was so incredibly natural for me. This was his design, everyone knows this, and only a fool would say that it is evil to experience the bliss I felt only with this person.

Looking back, I can see the flaws in my logic. I know now that what comes natural to humanity is very often the very things that God does call sin. He has no use for my happiness when it comes at the expense of who he declared me to be, and his greatest desire is that I would love him above all others. If that means putting aside my own desires as a demonstration of that love, I need to do it, and if I am allowing my happiness to be pervert his word to serve me then I am declaring that my happiness, not God, is the one I am worshipping.

I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy turning loose. I can’t tell you how devastated I was when I finally walked away, and what was worse, I had no clue as to who or what I was walking towards. Sure, I knew I was chasing Father, but what that looked like this side of eternity, I didn’t know. And the idea of living my life alone terrified me as few other things ever had. I had become so enmeshed in my dream of being with this person and finding my fulfillment in a life with them that I did not even know how to define who I was or who I could be without them because every image of the future I possessed had them at my side.

How did I do it? How did I find the courage to finally make that cut? Well, it didn’t start out as courage. It started out as shame. Big, ugly, nauseating shame. The type of shame that makes you doubt if you are worthy of life. The type of shame that rubs salt into the wounds of loss by demanding that you admit how stupid you had been, how you had let yourself be played, and how you had sold out everything you believe to be true so that you could have a few moments of fun that left you utterly unfulfilled and tormented.

But shame becomes something amazing when presented to Father. Shame stops being that ugly worm that gnaws at your guts and finds wings as it transformed into repentance, and finds its true form in faith. I think this is the step so many of us are unwilling to take, and why shame paralyzes us or propels us to do horrible things to ourselves, we don’t trust the process of repentance. We buy into the lie that if our walk to Father begins in pain that it will continue in pain. So we recoil before he can lead us through the process. All we can focus on is what we are losing, and when we shift our gaze to him we see our sins laid bare before a God who loved us so much he withstood the shame of the cross on our behalf. Knowing that so much ugliness was heaped upon one so perfect makes your soul bleed. Everywhere we turn is nothing but pain! Giving up seems to be the only option where we don’t have to hurt.

Having faith means that we learn how to trust the process, and sometimes the process means embracing the pain. I think there is reason for this, and I don’t think it is because is some celestial sadist. I think he wants us to know the depth of the wounds we carry within us. I think he wants us to feel our sickness has invaded every part of our being and how it has warped us into something that he never desired us to be. I think he wants us to learn how to hate our sin, but more importantly, I think he wants us to know our sin does not define us. For how will we ever celebrate the grandeur of his love and forgiveness if we are unable to acknowledge the depths of the healing?

No, shame is not a bad thing. It is a necessary thing, but something should only last for season – a tool to be picked up and then cast aside as we celebrate God’s redeeming love that was given when we were still lost in our sin.  

What's in a name? Psalm 107

“Oh, give thanks to the LORD for he is good.” Psalms 107:1a

In the past two posts, we have looked at the background for this Psalm and the first word.. In this one we are going to look at the next key word in the verse, “LORD.”

Now, there have been volumes and libraries written on this particular name of God, and there is no way that I could begin to share everything this name has to teach us about the nature and person of God. However, we can get a glimpse into the significance of its use here, and in doing so, we can establish some principles for understanding when we encounter it in other passages.
Before we go any further, I would ask you to take the time to grab your Bible and to simply read this verse. As you do look for anything that you might consider strange.

Do you see it?

If you have a newer translation of the Bible, you probably noticed that the word LORD is in all caps. Did you ever wonder why the translators chose to do that? After all, none of the other names for God get this treatment, so why this one? To find the answer you have to dig back into the Hebrew, or know someone who will do it for you. (You’re welcome.)

If you were to read this in the Hebrew the name you would find is יהוה, sometimes referred to as the Tetragrammaton or the unspeakable name of God. So what do you do if something is unspeakable? You come up with a code word, a substitution, and the substitution in Hebrew is Adonai. So when you read the text in Hebrew, you see the name of God written out as יהוה but when reading it out loud you simply say Adonai in its place. The reader is fully aware of which name is being used, but it is just not spoken.

This posed a bit of a problem for English translations. How do you convey what is in the original text while still honoring the command that would Hebrew readers would have followed, not to speak this name? Translating it as Adonai would not work since adonai is a rather a generic term of respect that simply means lord. We find it used throughout the Hebrew Scriptures: Abraham is called lord, there are Philistine lords, and Jael even called Sisera lord - right before she pounds a tent peg through his skull. So there is no guarantee that when we see this word in the English that the Bible is talking about God. The solution? Translate adonai as lord, but when the Tetragrammaton is used write LORD in all caps so that the English readers would know the real name being used.

Now, back to our text, and we begin with a question: Why did the Psalmist use this term for God? There are a multiplicity of names that he could have chosen from. Elohim, for instance, is the name Moses used for God when he wrote Genesis, so why not chose that name? You know, one were allowed to say or sing in this case? This is a song lyric after all.

In Biblical theology there are rules for interpretation, and one of these is known as the “Law of First Mention.” Basically, it boils down to the way are to understand a word, term, idea, or even the letters of the Hebrew alphabet is to look at when it was first mentioned or appears in the text. Elohim, for example, is first mentioned in Genesis 1:1 when God is creating the heavens and the earth. So when we see this name we are to think of Creator God, and if we were to look at every passage where this name of God is used we would find that is somehow connected with the concept of creation.

In contrast, we do not encounter the Tetragrammaton until Exodus 3 when Moses encounters God at the Burning Bush. Think about what is going on at that time. God’s people are trapped in slavery.
There is no hope for them aside from his direct intervention. They need a miracle that will change not just the circumstances of their life. They need a new identity, or more accurately, they need to be returned to the identity God had given them so long ago as the children of Abraham and live as people of promise once more. To use a theological term, they needed to be redeemed, and it all begins here with God revealing himself to Moses with name יהוה, “I am that I am” or more precisely, “I will be what I will be.” And as the story unfolds, we see God revealed as redeemer and king. A God who can change realities and give identity and purpose. A God who changes slaves into a nation, and the oppressed into the means of deliverance for the whole world in the person of Jesus.

So what is the Psalmist trying to tell us? He wants us to think of God in the context of redemption. He wants us to remember that burning bush and the revelation of God’s loving response to his people. He is asking us to recall how God fought on behalf of his chosen one, and how through his love they became something so much greater than who they were. He is uniting us to a history that testifies of God’s goodness. He is reminding us that this history is our history, and we serve the same God as those who witnessed the plagues of Egypt and the miracles in the desert.

I think that we could all stand to be reminded of this truth. I know I have days when I am standing somewhere between the Red Sea and armies of Pharaoh that try to destroy my life, terrified there is no way out, and that is when I need the reminder. The God who split the Red Sea is the same God I serve. He did not change. He is still in the business of deliverance and redemption. He is just waiting for me to call out, to confess that I need him in my world and circumstance, and allow him some room to work. The history of Israel’s redemption is the story of my redemption, and it is the stories of others that we are encouraged to believe there is redemption for all who seek him.

I, too, am nothing more than a runaway slave. Each and every time, I make my escape it chases after me trying to drag me back to a place where I am defined by sins decrees. I need a God who will who will part the waters and make a way for me into the wilderness, a place where I become something new in his presence, and do what only the free can do – sing the praises of the LORD whose lovingkindness is everlasting.

"Oh Give Thanks To The Lord"

Oh, give thanks to the LORD for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting. Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy say so.  Psalm 107:1, 2

You don’t have to hang around my friend, Dennis Jernigan, very long to realize that this is probably in his top ten of favorite Bible passages. So I wasn’t surprised when he gave us this passage as our homework two weeks ago.

Now, I will be the first to admit that when I think of an in-depth Bible study Psalms is one of the last books I turn to. I mean, after all, its songs, right? How much analysis does a song really need? Either it speaks truth or doesn’t, case closed. And these verses seem pretty straight forward to me. So with a barely suppressed eye-roll, I dove in – more out of obligation than enthusiasm.   

But guess what? It seems I had a thing or two to learn after all. (Don’t make me start naming names of people who need to stop being so smug. I can feel your smirks through the computer, and you don’t know it all either.)

First of all, we were asked to look up the writer and the circumstance that lead to the writing of this particular Psalm. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Unlike many of the Psalms there is no intro included for this one, and if you go to the popular commentary sites you are going to find something that has run amuck in Biblical scholarship – the attempt to suppress anything prophetic within the Scriptures. Most sites are going to tell you that this was written sometime after the return of Babylonian exiles to the land of Israel. However, there is a major flaw in this argument, and if you take the Bible as a reliable source of history you have to dismiss what all the cool kids are saying and go by what is in the Word.

Which leads us to 1 Chronicles 16. I won’t type it all out here, but if you go and read it yourself (which I always recommend) you will find that David has just recovered the Ark of the Covenant from the Philistines. The man is stoked. He is dancing in what is roughly the ancient equivalent of his tighty-whites, he has offered up sacrifices to God, and he is dishing up some sweet raisin cakes for the ladies. If this wasn’t enough, he decides that old tunes just aren’t going to cut it anymore and he commissions Asaph and his kinsmen to write up some new songs – the first of which is recorded right there in 1 Chronicles 16.

If you take some time and do some deep reading the first thing you are going to discover is this is a medley of Psalm 96, 105, 106, and 107. The Psalms and the passage from Chronicles share verses that are similar and some that are verbatim. Time and space prohibit me from going over them all, but let’s just look at one verse:

O, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting. 1 Chronicles 16:34

Ring a bell?

So why is this important? I am so glad you asked. The reason is that it shows us the magnitude and greatness of Scripture. This Psalm was written in celebration. The Ark of the Covenant was home! The importance of this cannot be overstated. God’s presence was manifest over the Ark as he led them through the wilderness, the tablets inscribed with the Ten Commandments were inside of it, Aaron’s rod, and a pot of manna – all the things that reminded them of God’s redeeming power demonstrated in the Exodus from Egypt and in the birth of their nation.

Yet, even as they sang these songs in the time of their joy, it would function as a prophetic word for the time to come. When Babylon swept in and stole, not only the Ark of the Covenant, but the people of the Covenant. God’s true treasure on this earth, and where he desires to be most manifest, in the hearts and lives of his people. It was in remembering God’s promises that the people found the courage and strength to keep going and to cling to their identity in a foreign land. They would sing these songs in their homes, over themselves, and each other reminding them of what God had done in the past and would do in the future.

For us there is an incredible lesson in this. As believers, we live in a land where we don’t belong. We may not even know what our true home looks like, we just know that it isn’t here. Everyone around us wants us to forget, to just give up and fit in. No more fights about abortion, homosexuality, and transgender bathrooms. No more squabbles over red cups, pagan holidays, and legalized marijuana. Life would be easier, simpler if we just forgot who we were and what we believe.

But to do that we would have to forget the God who redeems, the God who delivers, and the God who never forgot we are his. So how do we remember him? How do we remember who we are? We proclaim it, even when we can’t see it. We sing the songs of truth, of his promises fulfilled in the past with faith that we will see them in our future. We have been redeemed once as we stepped into relationship with him, and we will be redeemed again out of this exile in a strange land. So until then don’t stop singing, don’t let anyone steal the truth of your song, and sing for those who have yet to hear the music of his love so that they may know the truth.