Reader’s Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

First of all, let me say, I hate getting this question. It ranks right up there with the second most dreaded question: should I marry this person? There is just too much responsibility involved! How am I supposed to know these things? Sure, I have an opinion. I have an opinion on literally everything, but whether or not you should listen to it, that’s another question entirely. Whether or not you should use it to plot out your life? I am not even certain I should be using it to plot out mine. So with all of that laid out on the table and kept clearly in mind, I will try to answer the question.

Obviously, I know a little more about this particular situation than I am sharing, because it really isn’t any of your business. Also while the particulars vary every time I am asked this one, my answer is always pretty much the same.

I am big believer in the “Three A’s” when it comes to reasons for Christians to divorce. If you are not familiar, they are adultery, abuse, and abandonment. On the surface these all seem like well-defined terms without much need for elaboration. However, it really isn’t as simple as it seems.

Adultery can encompass emotional affairs, addictions, pornography, and just about anything else where the one’s affection has been transferred to something else. Abuse does not have to involve physical violence, but can also include emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual abuse. Abandonment can be more than one person physically leaving the marriage, and can also refer to those situations where one spouse has emotionally and mentally checked out of the marriage. Space does not allow me to be more specific, but I go into all of this in greater detail in Scandalous.

I am also a big believer that while these are perfectly legitimate reasons to seek a divorce, they do not require you to get a divorce. More than one marriage has not only survived infidelity, but has gone on to thrive as the two people committed to work through the issues that led to the act. I have also known those who have been abandoned who waited faithfully for God to restore their marriage to have their spouses return to them more in love and committed than ever before. I have also witnessed many in abusive situations that did not include physical or sexual violence stay and work with their spouse to save their marriages.

Now, let me be perfectly clear on this, no one should ever stay in a violent situation. We are called to be good stewards of what we have been given, this includes ourselves, and allowing abuse that puts you or your children in danger is not being a good steward. If you are experiencing this, get out and get out now. Once you are safe, if you still believe that there is hope for your marriage, seek the help of professionals to guide you through a reconciliation process that should include repentance on the part of the abuser, accountability for both parties, and a sustained demonstration of change. Do not think that you can do this on your own, or that one tearful apology means that everything is fine now. You need outside, objective help. Do not return until you both seek and receive it.

 So if all of these things are reasons you can get a divorce but do not mean you don’t have to get a divorce, then we still need an answer to the question and therein lies the rub. I don’t know. Your best friend doesn’t know, you parents don’t know, and even your pastor doesn’t know. The only person with that type of knowledge is you.

Here is what I do know:

Divorce isn’t a sin. God designed marriage as the perfect union between two people, a way in which we could combine strengths and overcome weakness within an environment dedicated to helping us mature in him. However, he also recognized that we aren’t perfect and the people we marry aren’t perfect. He knew that not everyone could withstand the rigors of marriage, and there are some who will actively destroy the gift he has given to them in the love of another person. So he designed an escape hatch that we call divorce.

Someone is screaming at their computer, but God hates divorce. Yes, yes, he does, but go back and read that passage you are shouting. It is found in Malachi 2:16. Notice what he does not say in that passage, he does not call it a sin. He says that the problem lies in the lack of love, in the failure to guard ones spirit, and in being faithless. All of these things are a problem with God no matter where they are manifest in our lives, but that is the key – our lives. We cannot control the decisions of another person including our spouse, and if they choose to dishonor the promise they made to us then we have no responsibility in that. We can only choose to control our response, and sometimes the best response is to get out of the way and give God a clean shot.

And while you have your Bibles out, you should also look up Jeremiah 3. Pay close attention to verse 8.

I also know divorce changes you. I know because I have been there. There is nothing pretty about it, even when you are getting out of a horrific situation. No matter how good freedom might be, you are still going to grieve. A dream is dying, there is no way to avoid it, and when our dreams die a part of who we are dies.

 The only real advice I can offer you is this:

Search your heart, know why you are contemplating this decision. If it is just because you think you will be happier free of your marriage, you are buying into a lie. If you are doing it because they changed, you need to realize that so did you, it is called life, and part of marriage is learning to navigate the changes together. If it is because you feel dissatisfied or discontent, then you need to take responsibility for your own emotions and stop placing unrealistic expectations on someone else.

Determine what you can live with – not today, but ten years down the road. Can you leave now and feel like you did everything in your power to heal your marriage? Will you be able to look back and say, I did my best and it was all I could do, and say it with a clean conscience? Because you will, even after my ex wrapped his hands around my throat and tried to strangle the life out of me, I asked myself that question knowing that divorce was the only option I had left.

Refuse to make any decision until you have peace. Notice what I did not say, I did not say happiness because the two are entirely different critters. Peace is that quiet assurance that wells up in our souls that allows us to rest. Happiness is fleeting and easily destroyed. Peace can look past the tears and know that despite the pain the decision is one that leads you to wholeness and healing.

No one can answer these questions, only you can do that, but until you know the answers I can love you, I can pray for you, and I can support you in the search. That is what real friends do, we don’t make the decision for you. We simply offer the tools and the safe place to use them.

Should I Have Been Nice? - An Emily Rant

I am supposed to act like this.

The other day I got a phone call from someone who wanted to comment on my one of my posts. His words were sweet and encouraging, full of praise and support for “dealing with life’s harder issues.” You would think that this sort of thing would make me happy, but the truth is the longer he prattled on the more irritated I became. He explained to me why he never commented, liked or shared any of my writings. He didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about him or that he might be dealing with any of the issues I address in my posts, but he sure did want to bless and encourage me, just not publicly.

I think it was about the eighth time he said, “thank you for being brave enough to take on these issues” that my unruly mouth slipped its leash, and I heard myself say, “I’m glad one of is.” Needless to say, the conversation was soon over.

When I feel like this!

I know. I know. I was more than just a bit rude, and I shouldn’t have been. There were far more tactful ways to deal with what his words were stirring up inside of me. My problem is I usually only remember that after I have spouted off something less than kind. Believe me, I am working on it, but give me a little grace because it is a work in progress. And if I want to be real honest, I will admit that it probably always will be.

I have been thinking about the conversation a lot, wondering why it made me mad and wondering how I could have handled it better. So far this is what I have come up with:

I started dealing with “life’s harder issues” at time when my marriage was imploding. My ex-husband’s addiction to pornography had reached epic levels, leaving him unable to hold down a job as it interfered with his viewing schedule. I had ceased to exist as woman in his eyes and was considered to be just another obstacle between him and what he really desired. The verbal and emotional abuse was escalating to physical and sexual, and death fantasies became my favorite escape – his or mine, I didn’t care.

The great thing about reaching this level is other people’s opinions no longer matter. Societal constraints become nothing more than spider webs to be slapped aside.

So I started asking questions, contradicting statements, and generally being rude. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain amount of entertainment in people’s shock, but the truth is I wasn’t doing it for that. There were so many truths I need to know if I was ever to return to the land of the living as something other than a shell of a person, and even though I thought I was ready to check out of this world there has always been some part of me ready for a fight. And it soon became apparent that I was in the fight of my life.

The funny thing about questions is that if you want to know the answer there is a pretty good chance that half the people you know want to know the same thing, but just haven’t worked up the nerve to say the words out loud.  It didn’t take long before women started approaching me off to the side, with nervous glance to make sure that no one could overhear. They told me about how their husbands used porn, how there had been violence in their homes, how they had been given the same “stay married and pray” advice I had received, and how they felt like there was no one willing to talk about these things because it was all just too uncomfortable in the church setting.

However, it didn’t make everyone happy with me. I learned from a friend that when she started attending the church I was that she had been warned about me. I learned from another friend that it was thought I had drug problem, and I heard from a third that I caused my husband’s addiction to porn because I had emasculated him with my sharp mouth. Christians can be so sweet.

Every day now, I receive emails, text, and messages over social media from women and men who are facing the same issues I did. They have the same questions I asked and they are facing the same stony faced silence or that condescending “we will just pray for you, dear” attitude I got. I hear from people whose faith is being eroded by Christians who are misrepresenting God and how he responds to our problems. I talk to abuse victims who are terrified of the shame and stigma that comes with divorce. I talk to women who are experts at hiding bruises and men who are terrified of losing everything if the truth comes out so they never seek the help they need except through a stranger who happened to write a book.

Guys and gals, I do not have this covered! There is only one of me and so many of you! The conversations are icky and uncomfortable – you try talking to a 70+ year old man about his chronic masturbation problem, I know!  I have been there. You have try having a pastor contact you on how to deal with a woman in his church who has shown up multiple times with a black eye or swollen lip, or answer a 12 year old’s question about anal sex. I do it all the time, but not because I am an expert. The only thing I have going for me is the fact I lived through my hell and came out the other side scrapping for answers.

I get frustrated and angry that we have become so ashamed of this gift of sexuality that God has given us. My blood pressure boils when I hear some pat and cliché answer proffered to someone who is real need, and I get so tired of being shushed by those who are embarrassed to speak truth into other’s lives. God never did that to anyone! He was bold and truthful. Jesus didn’t look at the lepers or the man at the pool, pat their heads and say, “I’ll pray for you.” He acted and he acted in truth and love – and love without truth is no better than a dollar sympathy card.

Pawning off our responsibility to follow in Jesus’ example is crock and a coward’s way out of what we have been called to be. Expecting someone else to deal with the harder issues of life so we can avoid them is laziness, and the next time you feel tempted to avoid a few words that make you uncomfortable, I hope you remember the cross and humiliation washes over you until you choke.

Could I be a little nicer? Should I have been a little nicer to the man on the phone? Maybe, but maybe too many of us are worshipping “nice” when we should have been worshipping God.

Am I My Brother's Keeper? Or Who Are You To Judge?

In a world full of bubble eyed figurines, pastel paintings of idyllic fields of sheep, and soft smiling faces of Jesus, we have determined that our faith is as gentle as dewdrops and as sweet as cotton candy. Harshness should be rejected, judgement spurned, and truth speakers cast aside as blasphemers and heretics for neglecting that all important element of love that must never be manifest in words the world deems as judgmental or sanctimonious.

Critics of such actions are quick to pull out those verses that back their position, giving them the full weight of authority. “Judge not lest you be judged,” Matthew 7:1. “God is love,” 1 John 4:8 “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,” John 8:7. And my all-time favorite, John 5:22, “The Father judges no one.” Now, if we stopped to actually read those passages in their full context we would quickly realize that the message has been sharply edited until only the pretty bits remain, and we do this because that is the way we like it. By abdicating any position of authority in another’s life, we can wash our hands of any responsibility we might bear in their actions. It’s a pretty sweet deal, and we aren’t the first ones to who tried to pass this ideology off with God.

The tradition began long ago, just outside the gates of Eden, when God asked Cain about his brother Able.  Cain never misses a beat, he flings back, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

We carry on the legacy of Cain in the phrases, “What they do with their own life does not affect me”, “It is not my business what anyone else does behind closed doors”, “It’s between them and God, none of my affair”, “I don’t have the right to judge anyone and neither do you”, and “What concern of it of yours how they live their lives?” Ok, sure we probably never killed someone and tried to cover it up – or have we? Oh, I don’t mean physically, but I think we can make a strong case for attempted spiritual homicide if we are brave enough to look at all those passages that rarely get quoted as we try to make God a little more palatable for those of us who can’t stand the bitter with the sweet.

We start with Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15 through 20. (I will not be quoting the full passages here for the sake of brevity, but as always, grab your Bible and double check me!). In this passage, Jesus says, “And if he refuses to listen even to the Church, let him be to you as a Gentile or tax collector.” You know, those folks that good God-fearing people of his day shunned? Why in the world would Jesus advocate such a thing? I mean, that’s a little harsh, Jesus, don’t you think?

The truth is – it is harsh, but it harsh with a purpose. Paul gives us an example of why such brutality is necessary in our communities of faith in 1 Timothy 1:18-20 wherein he describes two people who he says he has “handed over to Satan so that they would learn not to blaspheme.” Or in 1 Corinthians where he says to “deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit might be saved on the day of the Lord.” It would be easy to close our eyes and hearts to such terrifying words, but if we are to honor the entirety of Scripture as God inspired, we must submit ourselves to these verses in unity with those of love. It is the tension that of love and discipline, mercy and accountability that makes our faith ring true.

It is not a question of either/or. It is a statement of both/and. It is learning to how to balance the demands of each teaching against the needs of individual situations. For instance, Paul writes:

I wrote you a letter not to associate with sexually immoral people – not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy or the swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of this world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler – not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
1 Corinthians 5:9-12

Both love and judgement is the right answer, depending on who you are dealing with those inside the church or those outside. Either one can also be wrong, again depending on who you are dealing with, but too often we get the prescription backwards – judging the world while failing to hold those who share our faith accountable.

Neither should we forget that judgement of our brothers and sisters is not eternal banishment. It is not something that we dole out and then celebrate because we took a stand against evil. Instead, it is something that should grieve our hearts and with the hope and anticipation of them being restored for to the body, as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. Forgiveness and grace should be extended to all who repent and desire to return to fellowship.

In other words, we are our brothers’ keepers. We have an obligation to give and receive rebuke for those acts that the Bible teaches are not in keeping with our faith. Discipline was designed not to hurt but to heal, to break off pride, false entitlement, and faulty justifications for our actions. It was designed to help Christians to keep acting like Christians and not like those who have not experienced the life changing love of our Lord. It was empower us to stand against the temptations we might feel to slip into our old ways, and keep our witness pure.

We cannot uphold merely the easy passages as valid and authoritative while neglecting the passages we do not like. And if the command to love is valid, then we have to accept the command to correct as valid also, or leave our Bible open to the abuses of those who would use it for personal gain.

When we claim that another believer’s action are none of our concern are justifying our own laziness and cowardice. It is to allow the world’s ideas of tolerance to supersede and reign supreme over the dictates of our faith. It is to model our actions by Cain’s example, not that of our Lord and Saviour. It is to sacrifice purity for reputation and holiness for worldly prestige. Holding others accountable for their faithfulness to the dictates of the Scripture will not win anyone any popularity contests, but perhaps you shouldn’t claim to be a Christian if that is the true desire of your heart.

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