The Book That Made Me Sick - A Review of Unholy Charade by Jeff Crippen

I cannot remember the last time a book made me sick. I don’t mean metaphorically. I am talking about head splitting, gut churning, chest aching sick. I wanted to put it down, to stop reading, and quit inflicting this level of torture on myself, but every time I cast it aside in disgust, I found my hands reaching for it again. Sometimes I read spellbound, a prisoner of its words, and other times I rapidly skimmed through paragraphs as if I could defect the blows of what was printed there.

It took me three days to wade through the dense pages. Not because it was difficult to read, but rather it was agonizing to relive the memories of another time in my life, ripped from the forgotten recess of my mind and now splashed across my consciousness. This was no thriller, although for sheer horror Stephen King has nothing on this book.  No, this was an unflinching look at the mindset and methodology of an abuser, the sheer lack of understanding exhibited by many in church leadership, and how incorrect application of Scripture has kept may victims of domestic violence bound to their abusers.

In the years that have passed since I escaped my own abusive marriage, I have lost count of how many books I have read describing the dynamics of abusive relationships, but none have come close to the accuracy presented by Jeff Crippen in his book Unholy Charade: Unmasking The Domestic Abuser In The Church.

Nor does stop there, Crippen goes on to address how and why abuse is such a problem within the Christian community. He tears open the lies that so many abuse victims have been told about why abuse is to be ignored, accepted, and even a part of God’s plan for their lives. He explains how the Church has re-victimized those who seek help, and have sometimes even become complicit in the devastation of the lives of so many men and women who turned to Christian leadership for answers.

Crippen is no coward. He names names, and he decimates the arguments of popular Christian preachers and teachers that would require unconditional submission to abuse in the name of Christianity.  He exposes the lies and counters with the truth. He refutes cherry picked verses and clichés with sound exegesis and by placing those verses within their proper context so that we can see that God’s design for marriage make no provision for a person violence – be it physical, emotional, or sexual violence. He tackles the thorny issues that are rarely addressed from today’s pulpits. Issues such as to who is a real Christian and how can you tell who is one, what is repentance and how can you see if it is true, when is church discipline appropriate and why aren’t we utilizing this God sanctioned responsibility of our community of faith.

Crippen presents the marriage covenant as part of the Christian experience and not some separate entity that abides by its own set of rules with no bearing in or obligation to adhering to the Biblical standards we impose upon other relationships within the Church.  He does not present marriage as exemption from being living examples of Christ’s love to one another or to ourselves. And in doing so, he robs the abuser of their power to use Christianity as leverage against their victims.

Two things stood out to me as former victim of abuse:

1. Crippen does not espouse unthinking submission of a wife to an abuser. He understands that abusers do not respect, value, or love anyone they perceive as weak and therefore worthy of abuse. Instead, he offers Biblical guidelines to help women discern when submission is wrong or dangerous.

2. The manner in which Crippen addresses the issue of divorce. He builds his case thoughtfully and in a balanced manner, placing individual teachings within the context of totality of Scripture so that we might have proper understanding of what the Bible really has to say about divorce.

The book is well documented on many fronts. Scripture is scattered liberally throughout the book, footnotes abound, and testimonials are highlighted on each page. This is not a book of opinion or speculation. It is rooted deep in the Truth of God’s love for each of us while revealing the pitfalls of those who fail to move past the trite answers of a Church that turns a blind eye to the ugly realities of living in a fallen world. The almost expected sentimental idolization of marriage found in the majority of Christian books on marriage is, thankfully, nowhere to be found in the pages this book. Instead, Crippen looks the ugliness of abuse square in the eye and calls it what it is – sin.

I can overstate how much I believe that this book should be on everyone’s must read list. Even if you are not or have never been in an abusive relationship, the insights into how such a relationship functions are among the best I have ever read and will be an invaluable tool in caring for those who have had to walk this path. I would further urge everyone to not only purchase a copy for themselves, but to also to buy one for the leadership of your church body. As a whole, the Church has failed to meet the needs or address the issue of abuse in a Biblical or knowledgeable manner, and I believe sharing this book is one small step to correcting our errors on this front.

Purchase your copy on Amazon. Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

What Scares Me More Than ISIS

You would have to be hiding under a rock not to know that there is a war brewing. The lines have been drawn, declarations of each sides’ agenda have been made, and shots are being fired.

No, I am not talking about the events in the Middle East or Europe. I am talking about the war that is being waged across the United States and throughout our world, a war that is threatening to rip apart our country, our homes, and our churches apart if we do not find a third option.

I am sure you have seen the rhetoric from both sides. It is plastered across the internet on every social media site you visit.

Everyone is screaming for you to take a side. If you are not in support of accepting the Syrian refugees, you are a cold-hearted monster, unfit to be called a Christian. If you do support accepting the Syrian refugees, then you are an ignorant, bleeding heart, fool just asking for terrorist to invade this country also unworthy to be called a Christian.

If you don’t believe me, just look at the verses that are being used to bolster each sides’ position.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. Hebrews 13:2

When the stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as a native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God. Leviticus 19:33, 34

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle; Stretch out your hand from on high; rescue me and deliver me from the many waters, from the hand of the foreigners, who mouths speak lies and whose right hand is the right hand of falsehood. 
Psalms 144:1, 7

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for the members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8

I could go on, and anyone with an ounce of intelligence could make an effective counterargument to either position. Both sides can demonstrate from a Biblical perspective why their side is right and why you are wrong.

So which is it? What is the real Christian position in all of this? Who right and who is wrong? My side, their side, your side?  Well, allow me to make everyone mad. Both sides are right and both sides are wrong. And I say this not based on my personal emotional reaction to this crises, I am saying it after spending hours studying new story after new story, and Scripture after Scripture. There simply is not a clear cut Biblical answer – if we accept the “either/or” narrative of our culture, a culture that has rejected every shred of Biblical authority in making public policy until it could use our Holy Text to manipulate us into viciously attacking our brothers and sisters.

So what do we do when there is no clear cut answer to be found in Scripture? I would ask you to consider that we are looking at the problem from the wrong direction, and we seek a new one. For there is nothing that ever was or ever will be that God’s Word does not address, and we should rise above the conflicting voices of our world and listen to his voice, so that we might see his perspective.

I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me and I in you they may be in us so that the world may believe that you sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me that they may become perfectly one so the world may know that you sent me and them even as you loved me.  John 17:20-23

The truth is we need each other, now more than ever. We are a body, a unit that only functions with truth and power when we are whole. Lopping off our arms as we demand security, and severing our feet as scream for compassion, serve no one but an enemy who wants us torn to bits – for who is easier to overcome than a wounded adversary?

Behold, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

These are the words of Jesus to his apostles, as he released them into a world where they would meet with bloody deaths. They would sacrifice everything, even their lives, to share what he had given them, but he did not ask them to go blindly or foolishly into the fight. He commanded them to arm themselves, to buy a sword, and be aware of the dangers they faced. Does he ask any less of us? Does he require more? Or is his command eternal, sufficient even for this day?

Those of my family calling for the acceptance of the Syrian refugee, thank you, for reminding us that we are to have a heart and that we are to move with compassion towards those in need. For my brothers and sisters who urge us to be aware of the danger, thank you, for reminding us that we must be alert and wise in our decisions. We need to be operating all aspects of who we are as believers and followers of Christ. One without the other will destroy us by killing our hearts or taking our lives. I urge you not to forget that we are to be unified, respecting the strengths of the other, learning from their perspective, and heeding their counsel. It is how we stay strong and how we stay true to the decree of our King.

You see, ISIS does not scare me. Terrorist do not terrify me.

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both our body and soul. Matthew 10:28

However, I am afraid of church torn apart. I am afraid of friendships destroyed and relationships lost as we grew embittered over a situation that no one individual can control, but even more than that I am afraid failing to believe the words my God have given me. Right now, I don’t know what the answer is in dealing with Syrian Refugees, but I do know that we are to be unified in love. I know that we should stand against division, and I know that God does have an answer to every question we could ask. So maybe if we stopped screaming at each other we could all walk towards him, believing that he will guide and protect us as we draw near to him.

Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.

Why Christians Are To Blame For SCOTUS Marriage Decision

Okay, now that we good Christian folk have all had a chance to lament the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage, I think it is time that we took a moment to consider our culpability in the situation. I know this really eats into your allotted time to wail about the evils of our society, but getting honest is a huge part of the Christian faith.

And I think it is time that we got honest about how we paved the way for this decision. Now there are a million and one things that we have screwed up royally, I plan on addressing several of them in the future, but right now I want to focus on one.

We have tried to turn Jesus into the Easter Bunny.

Not even Santa Claus, but the freaking Easter Bunny. Santa, at least, demands good behavior for rewards, but the Easter Bunny, he don’t care. All he demands is that go to sleep and you get all the feel good goodies you want.

We have told the world they should love him because he is soft and snuggly. We have said that he wants you to have your best life now, and that he doesn’t care what you do just as long as he can put a smile on your face, he’s happy bouncing in and out of your life.

The Jesus we showed the world doesn’t even care enough to stop you from facilitating your own demise. In fact, he will help and he will praise you while you do it because isn’t that what wanted? Isn’t he the one who filled your basket with desire, sexual or otherwise, so that you can indulge in it to your heart’s content?

When we started preaching love without holiness, grace without discipline, mercy without judgement, we started preaching a false gospel that only caters to the whims of the selfish. We began with money, because who doesn’t want more? We claimed that God wanted us to prosper financially, and we justified by calling God good and declaring that a good God did not want his people to be without this fundamental necessity for happy life. It was an easy sell. We all bought it.

Our views of God began to warp just tiny bit. It was easy to push aside those passages that talked about Jesus not having a home or caring for the poor. We found other verses that suited our cause so much better, and we began to declare them over homes, our families, and ourselves. We told the world that riches were not evil, and Jesus really didn’t mean it when he said that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. The love of money was certainly evil, but we sure didn’t see any reason not to love the things it bought us.

We were trained and groomed to use the Bible as shield against our detractors, and we became proficient in making converts to this gospel of self-fulfillment. Soon money wasn’t the only thing that this message could be applied to. We began to add marriage to the list, God didn’t want me to spend my life being unhappy or so the tale was told, and divorce became a valid option for all, not just those for whom it was not a choice. We tacked on “me time” and called it boundaries, when the reality was we just didn’t want to be burdened with a friend’s need. We found ways to justify fornication, but we never called it that. We knew that God just wanted us to love and be loved.

We stopped serving God and we started serving ourselves. Even church became an experiment in self-gratification (you have no idea the amount of control I used not to use the proper term here), worship was too loud, too slow, too new, too old, and too boring. It offends my sensibilities and tastes, so therefore it could not be of God, because he wants me to be happy. Sermons became pep talks, pop psychology, and self-help seminars so that we could be empowered to live the life Jesus died to give you. We were encouraged to live life more abundantly, but defined according to our new god of happiness.

And oh, how we have served that god! So many lives offered on his alters!

And we served with such devotion that the world caught our fervor. They became excited about this soft and lovable god who gave his people only sweet things and never required a thing in return. They took up his cause and began to evangelize in the streets, in the cities, and on the hillsides. “You were created to be happy! You know our god loves you when you are happy! You deserve happiness and you must fight for it because it is your right!”

Some of the new followed our example, and they still worshipped their god in the Christian churches. They found evidence of him in our sacred books, and they even prayed to him the name of our Lord Jesus. Those who refused to honor their right happiness became hypocrites, legalists, unenlightened, and bigots, and the god of happiness began to look less and less like the God of the Bible.

You want to know who to blame for the Supreme Court decision? Look in the mirror. Point the finger at Christians who failed to live their faith with integrity and who sacrificed the God of the Bible to the god happiness. Blame those who knew better and didn’t care, those who placed selfish desire above obedience, and those who refused to experience the pain of conviction when confronted with the truth of the Word.

See the God of the Bible never prioritized happiness over maturity. He never condoned our selfishness, and he never praised us for meeting our needs. Instead, he asked us to love him above all other things including happiness and self-fulfillment. He said he wants to be the center of our world and life, he wants to be the source for all good things we have and experience, and he wants us to know the beauty of growing in him so that we can share that beauty with the world.

The God of Sinai is cuddly. The God who took out the prophets of Baal wasn't interested in sweet things. The God of who lead the children of Israel through the desert did just show up when they had a tummy ache, he was there through the hard times and the bad but he demanded that the people honor him with their hearts and their actions, and he hasn't changed. The God of the Bible is still the same, it was just us who tried to create him our image in an attempt to avoid the pain of growth.

It's time we repent, and we let him be God of our lives again, even when it doesn't make us happy because when we do there is once again hope that we can change the world - and maybe get it right this time.

Photo via PhotoPin

A More Thoughtful Response To SCOTUS Decision

A good friend who always has a balancing and healthy perspective on the issues I address, pointed out to me that yesterday's post about the SCOTUS decision seemed dismissive of the gravity of the situation. And as usual, I could not argue as she was right.

I did not address any of the possible, and I believe inevitable, negative outcomes this will create for the Church. There is no doubt in my mind that things are going to get a whole lot uglier before they get better, and I think that as Christians we should be prepared for what is around the bend.

Now, I am in no way claim to be a legal expert, nor do I pretend to be familiar with all the intricacies of the laws of our land. What I offer is my opinion based on my knowledge as a student of the Bible and history.

What I do know about our nation’s laws is that they can be rewritten to be acceptable to the changes of time and culture to better reflect the social attitudes of our day. The ability to make these changes was integral part of the design from the start and has been used to make some very positive changes in our country. Women’s right to vote and racial equality are just two issues that come to mind without a second cup of coffee. My point is laws change, even constitutional laws change, and to bank on them as the source of our security is absurd and naïve.

And it isn’t always that the laws have to change, it is simply that interpretation of the laws are changed. After all, if you compared many of the selfies posted on social media, they clearly fit the standards of pornography of the Comstock Act of 1873 and would have been grounds to arrest about half our nation. However, over the years styles and fashion changed so the definition lewd and obscene changed and as such laws had to be changed to accommodate public demand. Now you can show your butt online as long as you have a string over the crack, and by law it is not considered to pornographic.

There is a very similar evolution going on in our laws that dictate the relationship between church and state, and the SCOTUS decision is going to accelerate that evolution.

The first, most obvious reason, is that the Bible teaches homosexuality is wrong. I know there are a ton of convoluted arguments to the contrary, but let’s go with the plain reading of the text as offered in Scripture.

Now if we believe that freedom of speech is a protected act in the US then you have never studied censorship laws – speech is only as protected as it is deemed proper under societal dictates. Whereas Clark Gable once caused a scandal by “not giving a damn”, no one even blinks at such phrases today. However, say that for a man to lie with another man as woman is an abomination, and presto! You have crossed over into hate speech, and do you know what isn’t protected under freedom of speech?

If you guessed hate speech, you are right.

Freedom of religion also will not spare us the consequences. All that is needed is apply the term abusive to any religious practice and it can come under fire, particularly when it involves minors, and this isn’t a bad thing. When we have men like Warren Jeffs marrying off teenage girls to the men his church, legal action should be taken. However, where do we draw the line and who determines what abuse is? In California, reparative therapy for a child dealing with same sex attraction is considered abusive and has been banned. Other states are sure to follow as homosexuality is now considered to be normal part of our society and culture.

To me the almost obscene footnote in all of this has become a major issues among Christians, and that is the idea that churches will lose their tax exempt status. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to break to break it to you that is going to happen. When we have churches who voluntarily decided to run themselves corporations instead houses of prayer we asked for it, and I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for reaping the consequences of what we have sown. There are greater issues on the line than money, and if you think that God has to have a tax break to be present in this world, your god is pretty small and probably not worth worshipping, and definitely not able to handle the real issues of our world.

So what are we supposed to do? Well, for starters, don’t sit around wringing your hands as if the world has come to an end. What if it has? Isn’t that the hope and longing of all creation? Our job is to be preparing for it, and I don’t mean by stockpiling a bunch of food and ammo. I mean we should be helping those around us to see God’s glory and goodness so that they might be inspired to seek him, and let’s face it, if we are only showing them a defeated God, why would they want him?

We dive deeper into his Word and we follow the outline he gave a persecuted church so many years ago. For their persecution was far greater than any we face now, and yet, he gave them not only the keys to survival, he showed them how to thrive! He told them how to live their faith in the face of oppressive laws and intolerance for their religion. He didn’t lie to them about how believing in him would make their lives all lollipops and rainbows. Instead, he said that we are blessed in persecution and that we would be reviled and that we should rejoice in it.

We become intentional in seeking our King. For it is in knowing him that we find the strength and humility to live transformational lives. Lives that are not full of self-pity or fear, but lives that recognize the darkness makes the light shine even more brightly.

We surround ourselves with other believers, but we remain available to the rest of the world. We find strength and encouragement through the love and support of those who share our faith, and we use those times as a springboard to live our faith boldly before others.

We educate ourselves on the issues that touch the lives of our loved ones, believers and non-believers alike, so that we can have a ready answer in due season. We have been called to be wise, and wisdom is difficult to cultivate in a desert of ignorance.

We walk in grace and compassion, not anger and bitterness. God has done this for us and when we fail to extend it to others, we fail to deny God’s gift to us.

We speak truth, but we do it in love, fully recognizing that the love that has been given to us is also offered to any who would receive it.

But most of all, we share our stories of how God changed us. For some of us this means being real about struggles in our sexuality, for some this an admission that we don’t know what it is like to face that challenge, but for all of us it call to celebrate the goodness of God’s grace and mercy extended to us no matter what we have faced in our lives.

Photo via PhotoPin

Why I Am Not Crying About the Supreme Court Decision on Gay Marriage

Today we learned that gay marriage is now legal in all fifty states. There was both much rejoicing and lamenting throughout the land. Supporters of the movement celebrate this new freedom and right within our nation, while Christians vacillate between abject mourning and threats of hellfire and damnation. I will admit that there is a strong temptation for me to join in with my brothers and sisters in Christ, but I am choosing a third option.

I am rejoicing and making a deliberate attempt not to show my butt.

So how is it that a Bible believing Christian can rejoice, you might ask.

Simple.

My faith was never in the government. I know that my identity as a Christian is not tied to my nationality in any way. God was never hamstringed by any governmental authority. If I start acting as if this affects him in the slightest form, I am basically saying the government is bigger than the God I serve. So excuse me if I fail to deify the Supreme Court justices, but I think that would fall under the heading of idolatry and I try to actually live what I believe. (Success is variable, but the attempt is constant.)

I am rejoicing because Bible believing Christianity will no longer be the default setting for Americans. Faith in the Bible as God’s holy and inspired Word will be an act of decision and living it will be a commitment that requires us to be actively engaged in knowing what and why we believe. Laziness and ignorance will no longer be compatible with calling yourself a Christian. Some of us might actually try reading it now that we know that we can’t count on society to reflect what only the Bible is supposed to teach us.

I am rejoicing because this is a reminder that we are to be counter cultural and, boys and girls, we haven’t been that in years if not decades. Instead, we have embraced the *smaller* sins of our times as excusable and justifiable because everybody else is doing it. Whether it was speeding down the highway at ten over, cheating on our taxes, gluttony, sloth, or turning a blind eye to heterosexual immorality, we failed to live up to the standards that our God has given to us and in doing so we paved the way for this decision. When we confused being our culture with our faith, we stopped putting God first and made belonging to this world an act of worship that denied his right to be Lord of our lives. Maybe this will get our attention, and we will stop half-assing this thing we call Christianity and experience the conviction we should have been sensitive to so many years ago.

I am rejoicing because some people only learn through consequences because now is the opportune moment for God to reveal that his law is perfect. Something that could never happen when the decrees for right and wrong were based in man given law, not divine revelation.

I am rejoicing because I believe that by allowing marriage to become a social contract and not honoring it as sacred covenant we have made Christianity a little more irrelevant to our society. And I think that is a very good thing, in that only those who want to experience God will continue to identify themselves as such. Am I ignoring or downplaying the consequences for thousands of people? No, but I am not discounting my God’s ability to act despite and within the consequences of our decisions.

I am rejoicing because now we have an opportunity to choose our response, and the response we chose will identify us as we really are – bigots who are only faithful when it allowed us to feel superior to everyone else, pretenders who never believed but went along when it was convenient, or authentic believers willing to be unpopular for the God we love. But even in authenticity, there is a choice. For if we are nothing but venom spewing martyrs for a God who has called to live in love and peace, then we are denying our faith in denying the world a witness to his love.

So I will not cry over this decision. God is still in control and his Word will remain true. No one can affect that, but we can affect how his Word is manifest in our lives. That choice is and always was ours, and now we must face it as we have never have before. So what will choose? Bitterness, anger, or despair? Or will you do as he has asked and continue to praise him as the God who was not surprised or defeated by some words on paper?

How big is your God? The response you choose will inform the world.

After this posted, a friend of mine observed that I did not address the gravity of the situation here. I giving her words some thought, I followed up with this:  http://misdirectedmusings.blogspot.com/2015/06/a-more-thoughtful-response-to-scotus.html

Photo via PhotoPin

Should I Have Been Nice? - An Emily Rant

I am supposed to act like this.

The other day I got a phone call from someone who wanted to comment on my one of my posts. His words were sweet and encouraging, full of praise and support for “dealing with life’s harder issues.” You would think that this sort of thing would make me happy, but the truth is the longer he prattled on the more irritated I became. He explained to me why he never commented, liked or shared any of my writings. He didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about him or that he might be dealing with any of the issues I address in my posts, but he sure did want to bless and encourage me, just not publicly.

I think it was about the eighth time he said, “thank you for being brave enough to take on these issues” that my unruly mouth slipped its leash, and I heard myself say, “I’m glad one of is.” Needless to say, the conversation was soon over.

When I feel like this!

I know. I know. I was more than just a bit rude, and I shouldn’t have been. There were far more tactful ways to deal with what his words were stirring up inside of me. My problem is I usually only remember that after I have spouted off something less than kind. Believe me, I am working on it, but give me a little grace because it is a work in progress. And if I want to be real honest, I will admit that it probably always will be.

I have been thinking about the conversation a lot, wondering why it made me mad and wondering how I could have handled it better. So far this is what I have come up with:

I started dealing with “life’s harder issues” at time when my marriage was imploding. My ex-husband’s addiction to pornography had reached epic levels, leaving him unable to hold down a job as it interfered with his viewing schedule. I had ceased to exist as woman in his eyes and was considered to be just another obstacle between him and what he really desired. The verbal and emotional abuse was escalating to physical and sexual, and death fantasies became my favorite escape – his or mine, I didn’t care.

The great thing about reaching this level is other people’s opinions no longer matter. Societal constraints become nothing more than spider webs to be slapped aside.

So I started asking questions, contradicting statements, and generally being rude. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain amount of entertainment in people’s shock, but the truth is I wasn’t doing it for that. There were so many truths I need to know if I was ever to return to the land of the living as something other than a shell of a person, and even though I thought I was ready to check out of this world there has always been some part of me ready for a fight. And it soon became apparent that I was in the fight of my life.

The funny thing about questions is that if you want to know the answer there is a pretty good chance that half the people you know want to know the same thing, but just haven’t worked up the nerve to say the words out loud.  It didn’t take long before women started approaching me off to the side, with nervous glance to make sure that no one could overhear. They told me about how their husbands used porn, how there had been violence in their homes, how they had been given the same “stay married and pray” advice I had received, and how they felt like there was no one willing to talk about these things because it was all just too uncomfortable in the church setting.

However, it didn’t make everyone happy with me. I learned from a friend that when she started attending the church I was that she had been warned about me. I learned from another friend that it was thought I had drug problem, and I heard from a third that I caused my husband’s addiction to porn because I had emasculated him with my sharp mouth. Christians can be so sweet.

Every day now, I receive emails, text, and messages over social media from women and men who are facing the same issues I did. They have the same questions I asked and they are facing the same stony faced silence or that condescending “we will just pray for you, dear” attitude I got. I hear from people whose faith is being eroded by Christians who are misrepresenting God and how he responds to our problems. I talk to abuse victims who are terrified of the shame and stigma that comes with divorce. I talk to women who are experts at hiding bruises and men who are terrified of losing everything if the truth comes out so they never seek the help they need except through a stranger who happened to write a book.

Guys and gals, I do not have this covered! There is only one of me and so many of you! The conversations are icky and uncomfortable – you try talking to a 70+ year old man about his chronic masturbation problem, I know!  I have been there. You have try having a pastor contact you on how to deal with a woman in his church who has shown up multiple times with a black eye or swollen lip, or answer a 12 year old’s question about anal sex. I do it all the time, but not because I am an expert. The only thing I have going for me is the fact I lived through my hell and came out the other side scrapping for answers.

I get frustrated and angry that we have become so ashamed of this gift of sexuality that God has given us. My blood pressure boils when I hear some pat and cliché answer proffered to someone who is real need, and I get so tired of being shushed by those who are embarrassed to speak truth into other’s lives. God never did that to anyone! He was bold and truthful. Jesus didn’t look at the lepers or the man at the pool, pat their heads and say, “I’ll pray for you.” He acted and he acted in truth and love – and love without truth is no better than a dollar sympathy card.

Pawning off our responsibility to follow in Jesus’ example is crock and a coward’s way out of what we have been called to be. Expecting someone else to deal with the harder issues of life so we can avoid them is laziness, and the next time you feel tempted to avoid a few words that make you uncomfortable, I hope you remember the cross and humiliation washes over you until you choke.

Could I be a little nicer? Should I have been a little nicer to the man on the phone? Maybe, but maybe too many of us are worshipping “nice” when we should have been worshipping God.

"I Want A New Testament Church" - The Battle Cry Of The Lazy Or The Disillusioned?

Lately, I have been rather obsessed. Obsessed with trying to figure out exactly what this thing we call Church is suppose to look like. So many of us grew up in a Church in transition, steeples that now shadow flashy new signs, pews that gave way to padded chairs, hymnals that gave way to over heads which gave way to power point, music that went from the staid hymns of old to easy pop choruses, and preaching that sometimes sounds more like a philosophy lesson than the Word.

Some of the changes I really don’t like, and some I fully support. I have found that many of us who went through these changes in our teens and early twenties like to experience something new when we go to Church, and I have found a lot of us are disappointed when we don’t get it. And I have found that it has left many of us open to the discussion about what we think Church should be.

So often I hear, “I want a New Testament Church.” And to plagiarize a line from one of my former teachers, I ask, “Which one?” Most of the New Testament was written by Paul addressing problems within these infant churches as they struggled to define themselves inside an adverse culture.

When I talk to people about what Church should look like, more often than not I hear about what it shouldn’t be. After all, we have all experienced churches that fail to meet either our or God’s standards. We have all attended churches devoid of life, bound up in religion and programmed so tightly that if God himself suggested a change it would be rejected by the appropriate committee. We have been in churches who only derive their identity by what they are against, and while there is passion it is usually marked with disdain for anyone who fails to adopt their philosophies.

We have been in churches that are social clubs, filled with good people who like to get together, but forget that sipping coffee with your clique is not the reason we gather. We have been in churches where the Spirit seems to be on the move continuously, but teaching is neglected in favor of an emotional high. We have been to churches where the Bible is taught, but all the lessons are learned by rote and become sterile in the absence of compassion. We have been in churches who confuse compassion with blind acceptance, and churches where no matter how long we attend we are still the outsiders.

Maybe the smorgasbord of options have left us overwhelmed, leaving us to think that somewhere in this myriad of possibilities there has to be one that is right. One where we can find seats that don’t put our butts to sleep, or one with a preacher who doesn’t leave us wishing he would just shut up so we can get to lunch. Maybe we have become too picky and we find ourselves quick to point out the flaws without embracing the good. Or just maybe the Church is broken and has reached a time when we need to completely redefine who we are and why we are here.

A friend of my mine said she sees Jesus and his bride as that really great guy with the horrible girlfriend. The guy you want to slap because he doesn’t seem to realize that she treats him like trash, and the girlfriend you want to kill for treating him so badly. Sometimes, more often than I like, I have to agree.

I don’t think it is a bad thing that we see where we can do better. I don’t think it is horrible to admit that we get it wrong sometimes. I think that it is the only thing that saves us from hypocrisy, but when do we stop complaining and start doing something about it? And how?

Even after having gone through so much transition with the Church, many of us still think there is something more waiting to happen. I wonder if we are waiting for God to move, or if He is waiting for us.

Many of us are willing to sit back and complain about the Church, but I have seen far too many of us fail to take an initiative and pursue a solution. A lot of us armchair quarterbacks and back seat drivers will chime in about what others should do, but then blame our hectic lives, finances, kids, and global warming for our lack of involvement. It might just be me, but if you are one of these I think your griping privileges have been revoked.

And I hope that griping is not all I am doing as I work through this latest obsession. I hope that I am seeking answers and actively pursuing what God would want in this situation. I want to know what he desires for and of his Bride. I want to be a part of something larger than myself, and I want to see her operate as a fitting bride for the King.

"Stay Together" - Or Stupid Things Moms Say

Since my children were tiny there has been one event that defined their day – if they could go down to Grandma’s house. My mom and dad live next door and the houses are within shouting distance, but just barely. A wide open pasture stands between us and the greatest risk to my children’s safety are the handful of cows who share more in common with lap dogs than their other bovine relatives, but there is always that chance a something else could be lurking in the grass. When they were smaller I would watch them out the door and call Mom to be expecting them, both of us would stay on the line commenting on their progress from our respective windows. We would only hang up once the gate into Grandma’s yard had been hurdled.

When I was small I did the same thing, my grandma lived next door too. Every day as the door swung closed behind me my mother would call out, “Be careful.” Now if you know me very well at all, you know being careful in no way appeals to me. If I have to be careful, I would just as soon not waste my time. I have raised my children who share this mentality and they are fabulous risk takers, but since a mother has to yell something as her children go out the door, I had to come up with mine.

Now, there was no cognitive thought put in my selection of words, but this morning as I yelled after them I found myself wondering why I hear myself saying, “Stay together.” There is an inherent risk in my children staying together and it can involve bloodshed and bruises on a good day. The truth is they fight. Not your usual “Did not, Did too” fights, it’s more of the apocalyptic nature which I am convinced is simply preparation for Armageddon. So all wisdom would dictate that I encouraged them to stay as far from each other as the forty acres allows. God knows they are safer facing the cows than each other sometimes.

Even they see this and complain about having to tolerate the other. Lydia could make case that would convince a Supreme Court justice, and Lauren has a way of putting her head down so she can figure out a way to circumvent my command (in a completely defendable manner, of course). What they don’t see is that I have a reason for them sticking together and it is more than one of them might need a kidney one day.

I want them to learn to walk together in the midst of conflict. I want them to face challenges and difficulties without turning to attack the other, and sometimes I catch glimmers of hope. Too often we face a hard situation and our answer is to blame someone else, let our tempers flare, and demand to be vindicated or martyred for our stand. Separation is easier than relationship. Peace at all costs demands we sacrifice friends and loved ones because often they seem to be the source of our problems.

Sometimes they are. Lauren would not have anyone to yell at if Lydia picked up her dirty clothes, and Lydia would not have a reason to be inflamed if Lauren did not try to boss her. In their child minds the answer is simple, remove the offending party.

As adults we know this truth far too well, and so often we simply stop inviting people into our lives. We keep them at arm’s length where they have not opportunity to do anything that might hurt or anger us, and therefore, we never have to deal with conflict. The problem with this approach is we never learn how to truly love someone who remains at this distance. Sure we can have nice thoughts, wish them well, or even share pleasant Sunday afternoon meal, but we will never know them well enough to love.

Paul warns us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together. Many people think that this means go to church on Sundays, but I think there is a bit more to it. Church is a great place to start, but how many times is that where it ends? I love to go to concerts, and sit next people at every one I go to, but I am not there with these people. I know nothing about them, their life and habits in no impacts mine, nor does mine theirs. To say our relationship is shallow would be an understatement, nonexistent comes much closer.

In some respects the relationship among concert goers is far superior to other relationships we may have, if we use peace as the criteria. I believe peace is a good thing, but it can’t be everything. Jesus even fought with his disciples, correcting their misconceptions, going to toe to toe with them when they dared disagree, but he never cut them out of his life. He never washed his hands of them and said he was done trying to get along with quarrelsome men. He understood that when you walk with someone there are going to be difficulties, problems, possibly a shouting match or two, and maybe even some punch thrown somewhere along the way.

The quality of the relationship was not defined by the absence of conflict. It was defined by the ability to resolve conflict and build stronger relationship through confronting conflict honestly. Coming to gather as believers should entails conflict, fights even. It means we are really walking together, and if we can stop seeing conflict as the death knell of friendship, we could begin to appreciate the diversity of thought and method that God has equipped his body to use to reveal his desire for relationship to the world.

The girls are growing up, and after over a decade of duking it out, hours of hysteria, they are learning to appreciate the strengths of the other. Strengths they have tested and found to be worthy of their trust through conflict. I don’t worry about them leaving the safety of our house when they are together, because I know that even as they scream at the other, no outside threat better come near.
My hope is that we all have someone yell at and to yell back at us as we work our way through this thing called faith.