Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.

"How Could Such An Intelligent Person Believe That?"

I am often asked why “such an intelligent person” would allow my life to be dictated by such an archaic book as the Bible. The implication being that to do so is a stupid choice or, worse, I am stupid for making that choice. Now, this the point in the conversation where most Christian do one of two things: they become offended and say some rather rude things about the questioner, or they start quoting Scripture at the questioner, appealing to the Bible’s declarations of authority.

The flaw with first approach should be self-evident, but in case you need a refresher, calling people names, casting aspersions on their intelligence or character, or more simply failing to be gracious is not in keeping with the dictates of Scripture. Furthermore, you have revealed your own hypocrisy and lack of faith by seeking the validation of another’s agreement. So just don’t, okay?

The second approach is also flawed, because it ignores the one basic fact that would lead to such a conversation in the first place – the Bible is not authoritative to anyone who does not believe in it.
Allow me to break this down for you: If you do not accept that Bible is a holy and inspired work, you have no reason to accept any of its claims, including the right to be seen as holy and inspired.

However, there is a third option. It is a much harder and demanding option, but it places the demands of Scripture above our own flawed thinking. This is three step approach, and it cannot be something that you do in the heat of an argument. Waiting until someone challenges you on the authority of Scripture to apply this method is too late, and it will not work.

First step: Live like you believe that Bible really is the divine decrees of God. I am not going to try and make a list of what this should look like. To do so would require far more time and space than I suspect you allowed for reading this blog, but it brings us to the…

Second step: Study your Bible, and I mean really study your Bible. I am not talking about doing a daily devotional. Devotionals all fine and dandy, but most of them were designed to make you feel good about your faith. They were created to be soothing to your ragged nerves and fragile egos, but real Bible study confronts and challenges us. It is does not allow us to pass over the unnerving bits of Scripture and forces us to ask ourselves, what do we truly believe? Are we comfortable with the God who demanded that Abraham place his son on that altar? How about the God who killed the first born of Egypt or demanded the deaths of entire nations, right down to the last child? What about a God who condemns his own son to a bloody death?

Real Bible study will not let us get by with only focusing on the happy verses. And happy verses alone do not demand maturity or growth, they let us remain spiritual babies who can only live like we believe the Bible is true in the good times. By finding God in those troubling verses of the Bible, we learn how to find him in the troubling places of our lives, those places where the world needs to see him the most.

Third step: Share the awe.

There is something amazing that happens when you dig into the word and find God’s fingerprints upon the pages. A sense of awe rises up and leaves you in wonder of the revelation and artistry of this book. It is a feeling that does not have to be conjured up or whipped into a fanatical frenzy, it simply is and it settles upon your heart in waves and currents of love, joy, peace, happiness, and all the other fruits of the spirit that we are to exhibit in our lives. It inspires us to share what we have learned not through adversarial tactics but in true awe-struck veneration of a God who transforms us into a reflection of his Son.

In that place of awe, there is no need to be offended, no compulsion to be rude, and the futility of arguing is revealed. Instead, we can face our critics with love, with compassion, and with a pure desire not to be right but rather with the hope that they can experience a similar moment with their Creator. For in the end, it is not about winning an argument, and it is not about being smarter. No, it is about finding him to be bigger than our doubts and objections, unafraid of intellectual wranglings and justifications, and discovering a God greater than ourselves – a discovery that we can coerce or force upon another.

So instead, we offer them a peek at the inspiration we found in the pages of his Word. For beneath the ink and paper, beyond the rules, is the reason for our obedience – the God who wishes to be known and the love that our souls crave more deeply than any other love we once held sacred.

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"But They Are All Dead!" - Laments of Deferred Hope

“But they are all dead!” I wailed as yet another friend pointed me to Hebrews 11 in an attempt to encourage me during a season of great frustration of singleness.

“Of course, they are all dead they lived during Bible times.” She said looking rather befuddled.

“No, I mean they all died before anything God promised them happened – even Moses died right before he got to step foot in the Promise Land.” I whined. “You know what that’s like? That’s like sitting in the parking lot while your friends spend the day in Disney World. Way to go, God, what an awesome way to treat your chosen hero. Guess that’s as good as it gets when you are serving God.”

It was at this point my friend decided to abandon any attempts at consoling and backed away slowly. She later confessed that she was pretty certain that it was going to lightening the next time I opened my mouth, and she didn’t have any intentions of being anywhere near the strike zone. (I hear that quite frequently believe it or not.)

Now for those of you who have lived a beautifully blessed life, I am sure that my laments sound a little melodramatic and bordering on blasphemous, but follow me on this one. You really need to understand, maybe not for yourself, but at some point in your life you are going to have a friend who feels this way. And if you have ever felt like this towards God, we have group meetings at my house on the second Tuesday of the fifth week next month.

Nothing hurts more than waiting on a dream. Solomon even said so, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but the fulfillment of a desire is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12). I prefer Stephen King’s paraphrase from the Shawshank Redemption, “Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man (or woman) insane.”

The only thing worse than hope is hope that is rooted in a God given desire. Whether it is the dream of marriage, a thriving ministry, publishing that next book, or having a home to call your own, all of it hurts when it seems like it is happening for everyone but you. And it isn’t just the not having that kills you, it is the way you begin to feel like everyone else is looking at you, that subtle shift in how they treat you, and the unspoken accusation of why aren’t you good enough to receive God’s blessings.

So you work the steps. You go over your life with a fine tooth comb and you begin looking for some sin that would explain why God is withholding his love. You pray, you fast, you confess even the most minor infractions, and you cry in frustrated pain and in anger. You volunteer more at church, you start tithing 11% instead of 10, and you begin wondering if you should sponsor a child in Africa to show just how good you really are. And every morning you wake up expecting a miracle, you decree God’s provision and blessing over your life while you brush teeth, and all you have to show for it are toothpaste splatters on the mirror.

That is when the bitterness creeps in. It starts out as disillusionment and frustration, but you know deep down in your heart that anger is starting to take over. Oh, you fight it down, push it away, and do your best to deny that you are capable of such an unholy emotion, but you are beginning to feel like ticking time bomb. Soon all your prayers are boiled down to one word, “Why?”

“Why, God, why me?”

Now this is the part where I am supposed to offer you some holy answer and sacred words of wisdom. They will magically appear on your screen after you close your eyes, chant the Lord’s Prayer, and commit to sending me ten bucks.

Didn’t work? Yeah, I will have to work on that. Really, what did you expect?

The truth is I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows why some prayers get answered and others don’t. I can’t understand why God has allowed so many charlatans to achieve levels of great success and experience such blessing and leaves the rest of us out in the cold. I don’t know why he healed your friend who uses drugs and let my dad die, or why didn’t give my ex a holy zap and save our marriage when I prayed for that while warded off his blows. None it makes sense to me, and if I told you I did I would be lying.

But here is what I do know: God is sovereign, and that means he gets to call all the shots, even the ones I don’t understand. God loves me and he loves you, even when we don’t deserve it. Love will do what is best for us, even when it means disappointment and hurt. Hurt and disappointment does not mean our story is over. It just might mean that we have to be willing to let him write a new one, one we never imagined being the story of our lives.

No one in Hebrews 11 saw the fulfillment of the promise that God gave to them. They all died long before it happened, but they had enough faith to believe that in pursuing the promise they were exactly where God called them to be. They pressed onward even when it all seemed pointless, believing that God was faithful, and even though they didn’t see it happen their kids, their grandkids, and everyone who came after did.

You see, they changed the world by chasing the dreams God had given them and doing so transcended their finite existence. They ceased to be individuals and became a part of the fabric of history. Each of them is remembered not for what they received, but for what they gave – to you, to me, and to everyone who dares to receive the promise of salvation to this day.

And isn’t that what we were called to? To give it all away, including our lives, so that the world might witness his glory and not our own? Sometimes the only thing we have to lay on that altar is our hopes the ones he gave to us. Maybe he will provide a ram caught in the thorns of life, or maybe he will resurrect in a new and unexpected way. I don’t know, but I do know that he is the God of redemption and that includes disappointed hopes and dreams.

What A Way To Start The Day! or "You are blind and have no idea of what you speak of, child of Satan."

Well, you can never say that my life is boring. This morning I was minding my own business, or at least as much as one can while on Facebook, when I get a comment on a previous post. I clicked over and was greeted by these cheerful and heartwarming words, “You are blind and have no idea of what you speak of, child of Satan.”

Immediately, strains of Roger and Hammerstein’s “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” began playing the background of my mind. I know that seems like an odd response, but long ago amusement became my default setting for dealing with situations like this one. As my Mimi used to say, “You can laugh or you can cry.”

Laughing is always the superior choice. If you had been through as many instances of name calling as I have, you would know that to choose otherwise would be to cry all the time. As one of my more fabulous friends said, “I am pretty sure that ‘child of Satan’ was the last slanderous name you needed for blackout bingo!”

Over the years, I have been told that I “reeked of the witchcraft (I) practice”, have the spirit of Jezebel upon me, “am a predator in house cat clothing trying to seduce men away from their ministerial callings”, and so much more. When I released a preview for Scandalous, my very first review said something along the lines that “no true Christian” would read such filth. I have been told that I am damned to hell, leading women into sin, and once I even had a woman show up on my door step to tell me that I was demon possessed – so I invited her in for coffee and cookies. What else are you supposed to do?

I am not sharing all this so that anyone can feel sorry for me. That is the last thing that I want.

I am sharing this for three reasons:

1. Full disclosure. If you follow my blog, Facebook, or Twitter accounts, you should know that I am not the most popular person out there. Many people take issue what I say and what I believe, and there are some think I am nothing short of evil. I know this and you should too.

I want you to think about what I put out there, and I want you to really examine it to see if it is true. You may find out that you completely disagree with me, and that is fine. Feel free to question and to form your own opinion. All I am offering is a chance to consider things from a different perspective than you may have encountered before, and if you learn something new from me – yay! But even if you don’t and you take the time to work through what you believe in light of any new revelations I may have to offer, then you will have learned more about yourself and your faith. And I think that is good thing, even if we can’t agree.

Because here is the thing, we don’t have to agree to love each other and to play nice with one another. We just have to give each other a little respect and kindness, and I don’t think that is too much to ask from my brothers and sisters. I know that it is not too much for me to give.


2. When you take a stand for anything in the public arena, you are going to get hit. I do not care how nice you try to be about it or how respectful you are in presenting your opinion, someone is going to say nasty things about you. I know that many of my friends are also writers who deal with sensitive topics and many of you are just starting to wade into the internet fray, so allow me to offer this word of advice –

Laugh! Take it all as a sign that you have hit a nerve, that you made someone so uncomfortable that they had to either lash out or deal with their garbage. Real thinking, caring people do not call strangers names, they ask questions and they offer counter points, but the name calling is reserved for the individual who has nothing to offer to the conversation other than their sense of outrage. Secure people do not feel threatened by a differing opinion and they do not attack random strangers on the internet, they just scroll right by if they find something they disagree with or offer their opinion on the topic – not attack the character of the person who stated something contrary to their beliefs.

Also (this is the part I tend to forget), don’t argue. Engage in meaningful conversations, conversations with people who disagree with you and challenge you, but don’t argue and don’t get ugly. If you are a Christian on the internet, then try to remember that we are representing a loving and gracious God who is big enough to defend himself. Calling someone else names or attacking another, particularly a non-believer, is misrepresenting our God and King.

3. Finally, I am sharing because I want the world to know that I have the most amazing friends ever! Immediately after the “child of Satan” remark was posted my messenger started going off like a machine gun, and the phone started ringing. A couple of friends jumped in and explained to the individual how he could block me, so as not to be bothered by my posts any longer. (And I know one in particular who showed the utmost constraint and grace, because you don’t mess with her friends – ever!)

The whole event left me feeling encouraged and loved as those of you who know me and know my heart rushed to my side. In a world full of hate-filled people, it was a beautiful demonstration of how my life is filled with people who honor me with their respect and love. People who don’t always agree with me, and people who sometimes take issue with what I say, but who know how to distinguish between an opinion they don’t like and the person they love. I am blessed beyond measure in that department, and today was good reminder to be thankful for each and every one of you.

I am pretty certain that this will not be the last time that I get called such things, (time to start a new bingo card?) but that I am okay with that. I knew going in that this was not going to be an easy road. In fact, it is pretty much the only thing that the Bible guarantees those of us who follow our Lord, and I can take the hits. A part of me will even enjoy them, because they tell me that I am on the right path, headed in the right direction, and surrounded by the right people.

As for Mr. “Child of Satan”, my hope and prayer for you is that God will speak to your heart and open your eyes to the import of what you did today, but most of all, I want to say thank you for the confirmation and the gift of getting to experience the love of those whose opinions matter in my life.