A Scandalous Tale - Sex, Social Media, and Ministry

What happens when you put over 600 women in closed Facebook Group and ask them to talk about their most intimate issues? You learn:

1. The Church and Christian communities have been far too silent on issues of sex, women’s health, and relationships.

2. We all struggle in these areas. The specifics may change from woman to woman, but we are all trying to figure out how to balance our faith and our flesh, trying to be good stewards of each.

3. Shame has been the leading contributor to the lack of education, self-destructive behaviors, abuse, and the inability to celebrate this great gift of sex.

4. How laughter heals and eases us through the hard lessons.

5. The power of having others invest in your well-being through a kind word, prayer, and tangible support.

6. The joy of discovering your story can help another on their journey.

7. That when you give people a tool they already know how to use, they will create something amazing with it.

When the Scandalous Ladies Facebook Group took off on May 29, 2016, we had no idea what we were in for. The group exploded from three members to over one hundred and fifty in less than three hours. In eleven days, we broke three hundred and fifty, and we are still growing. The pace has slowed a bit, but growth isn’t measured in numbers alone.

During that time, we have had over a dozen women make connections with counselors, eight couples have gone into marriage counseling, and hundreds (that’s right, HUNDREDS!) of women have reported that the overall quality of their marriages have improved. The tales of new found freedom and joy in being a woman are told daily, and the friendships being formed have transformed lives.
Our network and combined resources have helped one woman get out of an abusive relationship and into a safe home, another family is being helped through a hard financial time, and the women of Scandalous gave sacrificially in a successful effort to remove girls from a life threatening situation overseas. Even the men are voicing their praise, as their wives have opened new dialogues about sex and proposed they explore some new adventures between the sheets – or other places!

And we do not show any signs of slowing down anytime soon! Since May we have started a Scandalous Moms group, and this month we launched a public page where men can join in the conversation. Soon we hope to launch a series of international (yes, that’s right! International!) conferences and retreats.

I am sharing all of this with you for two reasons:

1. Yes, would love your involvement and support! Ladies, consider this your personal invitation to join the Scandalous Ladies Facebook Group, and to take part in the discussions on “A Scandalous Faith”, our public page.  Men, we need to hear your voices so join us on the public page too, and please, don’t be shy. We want your insights and opinions that is why we started “A Scandalous Faith.

2. I want everyone to know what a powerful tool social media can be, and I want my Christian and Church friends to pay attention.

Within the Christian community there has traditionally been a huge push for outreach and ministry within our communities. These are admirable and needed aspect of fulfilling the mandates of our faith, but let’s face it, we tend to over complicate things. We focus on big events, massive (and often top heavy) programs, or other ways that we can address the masses with some sort of impersonal ministry machine. We stop looking at people as individuals and meeting them where they are. Instead, we get lost in the program and the structure, defending the machine instead of stopping to value the person the machine is supposed to serve.

This is why I think Scandalous works. You can’t talk about sex, sexuality, and relationships without addressing the person. Our machine is secondary, it is the tool we use to meet people where they are. It doesn’t need to be protected, it does not eat up all our resources, and it serves only one function – it connects us with the people that we are here to serve. For us that machine is social media. It is free, we all have it, we don’t have to teach our people how to use it, and we didn’t reinvent the wheel. We used the tool at hand, and made it serve our purposes.

We took all the things that church people like to complain about when it comes to the internet and flipped it on its head so we could use it to our advantage. Impersonal? Yes, but reinterpret that into anonymous and nonthreatening. Too much sex? Oh, yeah, but maybe that is just one way people are saying they need to talk about these things. Crude humor? Sure, but maybe that is how people express their discomfort as they try to establish a dialogue. Eats up all your time? You bet, but maybe it is because people are looking for something to invest their time in that really matters. Hate filled speech and drama? Absolutely, but maybe that is because there is no place else they can express their need for passion.

We didn’t invent this formula for how to have vital and thriving Facebook community. We stumbled into it by asking people to do one little thing – tell their stories. That is it. Tell your story, let us know that we are not alone wrestling with these major life issues, help us understand how you cope, how you survive, and show us how we can be important in your life. Maybe that is just a place to vent, maybe it is providing a safe space to ask the questions you can’t ask anywhere else, maybe you need someone to laugh with you, or maybe you need someone who is willing to cry with you too.

People will tell you what they need, but you have to be listening. They are saying need community. They need to know that they matter, that they are more important than the cogs of some ministry machine. They need some place to invest, to know that they have the ability to make a difference, and that their experiences matter. And that is all we have provided. The women and men who have joined us on this journey are the ones who have made it work. The amazing team of men and women who have so selflessly devoted their time and energy to fanning this spark of an idea into flames have done little more than provide a place where others mattered – really mattered, not for the numbers that can be tallied on a spreadsheet, but rather for the strength each brings to the table for the rest of us.

We in the Christian community need to stop lamenting over a lack of resources or our inability to get people through the doors of our buildings. We need to go to where the people are, and right now that is social media. But beware, you can’t treat people like projects or offer help in the same manner that you would pitch peanuts to a monkey at a zoo. You have to be willing to give, not a program, not an event, and not some pretty little prepackaged Christian band aid, you have to give yourself. And you do that by giving them your story – your successes, your failures, your humiliations, and your victories because that is the only way they are going to see not just you but the God we serve, the God redeems all things.

It is time we stop being afraid, that we stop hiding behind all the glam and glitz of programs, and using them as an excuse for not being present in our communities or blaming the internet for keeping people away from the good we are trying to do. It is time we showed up. The online community is a community, a very real and thriving community that has extended an invitation to us, so now it’s time to remember your manners and show up. We did and were welcomed with open arms.

What A Way To Start The Day! or "You are blind and have no idea of what you speak of, child of Satan."

Well, you can never say that my life is boring. This morning I was minding my own business, or at least as much as one can while on Facebook, when I get a comment on a previous post. I clicked over and was greeted by these cheerful and heartwarming words, “You are blind and have no idea of what you speak of, child of Satan.”

Immediately, strains of Roger and Hammerstein’s “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” began playing the background of my mind. I know that seems like an odd response, but long ago amusement became my default setting for dealing with situations like this one. As my Mimi used to say, “You can laugh or you can cry.”

Laughing is always the superior choice. If you had been through as many instances of name calling as I have, you would know that to choose otherwise would be to cry all the time. As one of my more fabulous friends said, “I am pretty sure that ‘child of Satan’ was the last slanderous name you needed for blackout bingo!”

Over the years, I have been told that I “reeked of the witchcraft (I) practice”, have the spirit of Jezebel upon me, “am a predator in house cat clothing trying to seduce men away from their ministerial callings”, and so much more. When I released a preview for Scandalous, my very first review said something along the lines that “no true Christian” would read such filth. I have been told that I am damned to hell, leading women into sin, and once I even had a woman show up on my door step to tell me that I was demon possessed – so I invited her in for coffee and cookies. What else are you supposed to do?

I am not sharing all this so that anyone can feel sorry for me. That is the last thing that I want.

I am sharing this for three reasons:

1. Full disclosure. If you follow my blog, Facebook, or Twitter accounts, you should know that I am not the most popular person out there. Many people take issue what I say and what I believe, and there are some think I am nothing short of evil. I know this and you should too.

I want you to think about what I put out there, and I want you to really examine it to see if it is true. You may find out that you completely disagree with me, and that is fine. Feel free to question and to form your own opinion. All I am offering is a chance to consider things from a different perspective than you may have encountered before, and if you learn something new from me – yay! But even if you don’t and you take the time to work through what you believe in light of any new revelations I may have to offer, then you will have learned more about yourself and your faith. And I think that is good thing, even if we can’t agree.

Because here is the thing, we don’t have to agree to love each other and to play nice with one another. We just have to give each other a little respect and kindness, and I don’t think that is too much to ask from my brothers and sisters. I know that it is not too much for me to give.


2. When you take a stand for anything in the public arena, you are going to get hit. I do not care how nice you try to be about it or how respectful you are in presenting your opinion, someone is going to say nasty things about you. I know that many of my friends are also writers who deal with sensitive topics and many of you are just starting to wade into the internet fray, so allow me to offer this word of advice –

Laugh! Take it all as a sign that you have hit a nerve, that you made someone so uncomfortable that they had to either lash out or deal with their garbage. Real thinking, caring people do not call strangers names, they ask questions and they offer counter points, but the name calling is reserved for the individual who has nothing to offer to the conversation other than their sense of outrage. Secure people do not feel threatened by a differing opinion and they do not attack random strangers on the internet, they just scroll right by if they find something they disagree with or offer their opinion on the topic – not attack the character of the person who stated something contrary to their beliefs.

Also (this is the part I tend to forget), don’t argue. Engage in meaningful conversations, conversations with people who disagree with you and challenge you, but don’t argue and don’t get ugly. If you are a Christian on the internet, then try to remember that we are representing a loving and gracious God who is big enough to defend himself. Calling someone else names or attacking another, particularly a non-believer, is misrepresenting our God and King.

3. Finally, I am sharing because I want the world to know that I have the most amazing friends ever! Immediately after the “child of Satan” remark was posted my messenger started going off like a machine gun, and the phone started ringing. A couple of friends jumped in and explained to the individual how he could block me, so as not to be bothered by my posts any longer. (And I know one in particular who showed the utmost constraint and grace, because you don’t mess with her friends – ever!)

The whole event left me feeling encouraged and loved as those of you who know me and know my heart rushed to my side. In a world full of hate-filled people, it was a beautiful demonstration of how my life is filled with people who honor me with their respect and love. People who don’t always agree with me, and people who sometimes take issue with what I say, but who know how to distinguish between an opinion they don’t like and the person they love. I am blessed beyond measure in that department, and today was good reminder to be thankful for each and every one of you.

I am pretty certain that this will not be the last time that I get called such things, (time to start a new bingo card?) but that I am okay with that. I knew going in that this was not going to be an easy road. In fact, it is pretty much the only thing that the Bible guarantees those of us who follow our Lord, and I can take the hits. A part of me will even enjoy them, because they tell me that I am on the right path, headed in the right direction, and surrounded by the right people.

As for Mr. “Child of Satan”, my hope and prayer for you is that God will speak to your heart and open your eyes to the import of what you did today, but most of all, I want to say thank you for the confirmation and the gift of getting to experience the love of those whose opinions matter in my life.  

Shunning Social Media - Why it might not be as holy as you thought

One of the biggest temptations I have to fight is the urge to slink away into my dusty old books and hide among their comforting pages. My life would be simpler if I resign myself to digging through ancient texts, unraveling the Greek and Hebrew of obscure Biblical passages, and drowning in historical documents that you have never heard of – even as I write that the idea pulls at me with an almost irresistible force. No more Facebook squabbles, no more Twitter drama, and no more messages from people I do not know asking me about what the Bible says about their sex lives – but above all, no more finding out just how idiotic my friends can be and my love for them could stay unblemished and unchallenged.

And while it is a grand thought, it is a thought that I cannot surrender to.

Believe it or not, I do have a life off-line, and part of that life is talking to people who are or who will soon be entering into the ministry, and I have found that these friends can be divided into two groups:

1. Those who shun social media.
2. Those who use social media.

And the second group can further be divided into two sub-groups:

1. Those who use social media as a mirror.
2. Those who use social media as a tool.

My friends who shun social media all give me the same reasons: they want to be more focused on the people who are physically present in their lives, they don’t like the drama of it, there is so much garbage out there, it is a waste of their time, it is a distraction from the things that matter, and there is no need to add to the noise. I will admit that these all sound like valid, even holy, reason to stay out of the fray. After all, life is hard enough without inviting a few hundred bickering people into your life, but are they really good reasons not to be involved in what has become an almost universal experience for our culture?

I don’t think so. As social media becomes the most prevalent medium through which ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and even experiences are shared, I believe that if we are to be in touch with our community we need to be going to where the people are and that is social media. For me, social media is the bushes and hedgerows of our day. It can feel as if it is a big impenetrable mass of conflicting and thorny opinions run amuck, but that is where I believe we are called to be. That voice crying in the wilderness, if you will, because let’s be honest, it can get pretty wild.

Another thing about all those reasons, is that if we look closely at them they are focus on one thing – personal comfort. The only possible exception being the first one. However, even that one, to my mind, is suspect, because one of the major problems often discussed among those in ministry is “how do we reach more people.” The answer is pretty obvious, you go to where the people are, and the majority of folk aren’t hanging out in the pastor’s office.  The great, and often ignored, thing about social media is that when someone shows up and you have that chance for a face-to-face encounter, then you have the power to step away. It is a matter of personal discipline, not computer or phone’s fault if you fail to do so.

However, simply being on social media is not enough. Too many good Christians fail to utilize it in an effective way, and I am not just talking about getting your message out, I am talking about using it as a tool to learn about the world we inhabit. Unfortunately, most people fail to do this. Instead, most people use social media as mirror to affirm that the world is filled with people who are just like them or people who hate people just like them.

The thing is social media is what you make and if you want to be self-affirming, personally validating experience, it can be. It is all up to you. For instance, Facebook operates on algorithms that dictate what appears in your newsfeed. If you are only reading conservative Christian news, then eventually that will be all you see. If you only follow pages that share ideas that affirm your own, then you will never be confronted by those who hold idea counter to yours, and consequently will continue to be isolated from events and ideas that are impacting your church and community.

This is why I follow a number of pages whose agenda and bias I disagree with and sometimes even find offensive. My newsfeed run the gamut from reactionary Christian sites that almost make ashamed to be affiliated with the title Christian to ultra-leftist sites that bash my faith with glee. Facebook is so confused by me that in one day suggested posts ranged from where to buy a burqa to pole dancing classes to an article on Atonement Theology, and that is the way I like it. But even more importantly, this is what I have designed it to be through intentional engagement with a world beyond my ideas and beliefs.

For me, social media is a tool, not just a mirror. I use it to know what is going on in the lives of people I love. I am able to be a part, even if it is just virtual presence, in the lives, births, illness, deaths, loves found and lost of those who would never pick up the phone to call.  I get to connect with friends who live down the road, but are too busy to tell me that their kid is excelling at karate, and I get to engage in meaningful conversations with friends from around the globe who share my faith or challenge it. Consequently, I have the opportunity to grow as a person and believer as I share my faith, explore ideas, and hopefully help others do the same.

Not everyone will use social media to the extent that I do, and I am not advocating that you do. I was intentional in building a network that would allow me to reach past my little corner of the world and move into global arena for a reason, but not everyone is called to this level of participation in our electronic world. I can respect that, but limited engagement is not no engagement. And we have been called to be engaged, to be a part of our culture so that we can impact it in meaningful ways, so that we can be wise and aware of the world around us. We can’t do that if we block out the single greatest means of communication available to us today, and that is why I believe everyone who is involved in ministry – at any level – should be part utilizing this as strategic resource.

Now, I know that in many ways this post is preaching to the choir and you, my reader, are probably already using social media as tool I described. So share this with someone who could be benefit from considering what I have shared, and when you do ask them this one question – can you imagine what Paul would have done if Facebook was available to him?