Why Won't My Wife Have Sex With Me? - Rated R for Mature Audiences Only

This post is going to be rated R. I will be dealing bluntly with several questions that men have asked me about sex, and I will be doing so to in no uncertain terms. If you are easily offended or squeamish about sex, turn back now. However, if you are looking for some real answers about why your wife may not wish to have sex with you or why your sex life is fizzling, then you might want to read on. Ladies, feel free to use this as conversation starter for your marriage. 

My wife never wants to have sex anymore, is typically how the conversation starts. Then I get a whole list of things that the husband wants to do with his wife, but how she never responds to his desires. Now, fellows, let me just start out by saying that most of you drop the ball with your wife right here. You are talking to me and not talking to your wife, because when I ask you if you have told her that these are things you would like to explore in the bedroom 80% of the time you tell me, “No, I just know that she wouldn’t.” Seriously? You are not a mind reader. This is an established fact, and no, you cannot tell me that you know your wife well enough to know the answer unless you have already discussed it.

Look, I know you hate using your words, and it feels incredibly vulnerable to open to the one person who has the most power to hurt you, but you are going to have to do it if you want things to change.

Think of it this way – one of the most vulnerable things a woman can do is to present you with her naked flesh. We have been told over and over again by so many that our bodies are not good enough, sexy enough, thin enough, curvy enough, or hot enough to please any man, and every time we reveal them to you we are taking a risk. It can be a scary and vulnerable thing for us to do in ways that you may never understand, but we should not be the only ones taking a risk when it comes to sex. Using your words is one way you can help build intimacy. For most of you, this is the only part of the post you need to read because words are all your wife is waiting for to act.

While we are on the topic of words, let’s talk about compliments. Women love compliments, but just telling us that we are beautiful is not really a compliment. We see it as lazy and dismissive. We want specific compliments and this doesn’t just go for our bodies but it can be. So if you love our smiles, tell us that. If you think we have beautiful eyes, tell us that. If you love the meal we prepared, tell us that. If you appreciate how we take care of our children, tell us that. Whatever it is that you notice about us and enjoy that is what you should tell us about.

The other thing you should know about words is you have to listen to them. If you wife says that she needs or wants something, you should realize that we are choosing to be vulnerable to you and respect that. And it is not enough that you hear us, you have to demonstrate that you hear us. For instance, if she says that she needs the trash taken out, take the freaking trash out. If she says that she hates when you don’t shower before you come to bed, take a shower already. If she says that she loves it when you touch her back, touch her back. Women have had it pounded into their heads that we need to be a fierce and independent if we are to be real women, and it is hard to ask for your help. It feels like weakness, and as our husbands we need you to protect our weak places.

So what does this have to do with sex? It is simple. Women need to feel secure in order to enjoy and fully participate in sex. If we can’t trust you to get a job, help around the house or with the kids, or be where you told us you would be, why in the world would we trust you with hearts and bodies? If you aren’t taking good care of your body, why would we expect you to take care of ours? If you aren’t celebrating our accomplishments in everyday life, how do you expect us to feel like you can celebrate what we offer you sexually?

Many men kill their sex lives without ever realizing what they are doing. One often repeated folly is only saying or doing nice things for their wives when they want sex. In a woman’s mind this means one thing, you are using us. And no one likes to be used. Did you know that one sincere compliment a day will buy you more fun in the bedroom than amount of grumbling and complaining? And if you offer it up when there is no chance of sex we are more likely to see it as sincere? Also prompted compliments do not count. Sorry, guys, they just don’t. If we have to ask how we look, if you liked dinner, or noticed the new haircut, you have actually lost ground.

We want to know that you are paying attention to us, and you do that by actually noticing the things we do because we know that men pay attention to the things they love. And if you can tell your buddies the exact mileage on your truck, the details about how you rebuilt your Harley, or the stats of your favorite ball team, we know you can remember the things we tell you. If you aren’t remembering what we have said you are telling us that the truck, Harley, and ball team are far more important than we are. The same goes for the opening day of dove season, when the crappie are running, and the exact spot you were standing when you shot that prize buck. If you can remember all that you can remember birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentines.

Allow me to offer some thing you need to keep in mind and some realistic things you can do get what you want.. I know that sounds manipulative, but let’s face it, manipulation isn’t always a bad thing. Ask anyone who loves their chiropractor. If the goal is a better, healthier marriage and nothing is being done in an underhanded way, then go for it.

1. Moms with young kids often “touched out” at the end of a day, particularly if they are breastfeeding. The last thing we want is another person pulling on us. So take the kids out to the yard to play, offer to let your wife take a bath without Legos being shoved under the door or kids pounding on it the entire time she’s in there. It is amazing how thirty minutes of not having anyone making demands on you can recharge a battery.

2. This is going to seem counter to the last one, but this is where you have to use discernment and really pay attention to your wife – touch us when you do not want sex. A hand on the back when we walk past, a quick peck in the middle of a project, or a nuzzle while we do the dishes all given without expectation or demands helps us feel like we are being valued and loved throughout the day.

3. She is exhausted. Remember everything you take off your wife’s plate makes more room for you. If you help her conserve energy by washing the dishes, picking up the living room, or putting the kids to sleep, she will be more likely to have some energy left to devote to you.

4. Oral sex. This is probably the most frequent complaint I get from men. Their wives won’t give it to them. There are four common reasons for this:

You don’t keep it clean enough. So if you want it, wash it.

You are greedy. You want to receive but you don’t want to give. So again a wife isn’t feeling valued or honored in this area.

She doesn’t want to finish you this way. Be okay with keeping it limited to foreplay if this is how she feels.

You have forgotten that her throat is not wall to be beaten down with your battering ram of a penis. Do not jam her head down on it as if it were. Let her control the depth of the stroke.

5. If she has done things to prepare for some sexy time, you need to acknowledge it. I know one man who hasn’t seen his wife in lingerie for three years. Why? Because the last three times she put it on and he acted as if he didn’t notice – once she pranced through the bedroom where thigh-high stockings with a seam up the back and high heels, he wouldn’t put his phone down. Another time she sat on a boat dock in nothing but a teddy, and he decided he wanted to watch a movie. The last time, she walked in the bedroom and he never said a word. He just turned off the lights and went to sleep. An appropriate response would be, “Oh wow!” or just grabbing her up kissing her.

And it’s not just lingerie. If your wife has shaved anywhere she does not typically shave, she is sending you a message. If she has made arrangements for the kids to have a sleep over, then she probably is looking forward to some fun time with you. If she has candles on the table, don’t turn on the TV, just don’t, and don’t say you have to run over to you buddy’s house after dinner. She has other plans for you.

6. Some of you have not because you ask not.  So initiate. Too many times a man is waiting for his wife to make the first move but never expressing his needs or desire for her. That's a major turn off for most woman, and it is the number one complaint I hear from wives – "He never initiates! When we were dating, I couldn’t keep him off of me. Now he just goes to bed and unless I make the first move then he just falls asleep. I wish he would be more aggressive." Nothing says you want your wife more than making the first move. If we are having to initiate more often than not, eventually we are going to quit because we don’t want to feel like we are getting pity sex from our husbands. It is far easier to go without than to have your lack of desire for us rubbed in our faces.

7. Ditch the porn. I don’t care how harmless you think it is, stop it. You are communicating to your wife that she is less appealing to you than images on a page or screen. It completely demoralizes us, and it is effecting your ability to perform sexually with your wife. You may not notice it today or next week, but at some point you will find it impossible to get an erection without porn and if continued, not even then.

8. Do not turn us down. If you want us to keep coming to you for sex, quit telling us no. The most important thing in your life aside from God is your marriage, and one way to protect it is to honor those times when your wife takes a risk by expressing her desire for you. I know you are fixing the car, worried about bills or work, and that you might be worn out but when we approach you we are often willing to do all the work. You can kick back and enjoy.

9. Ask us what we enjoy. We are experts on our bodies, and we will always know them better than you do. Add in hormonal fluctuations and the things we enjoy from one time to the next can often change. For instance, breast sensitivity can change drastically for some women through the course of our cycles, so sometimes we want a lot of attention there and other times it could hurt for you to touch the girls. So listen to what we are saying, because no, you do not know what we want better than we do. You just don’t and you never will. You might introduce us to some new things that we can enjoy, but if we say that we need something specific to orgasm then you need to do that. Stop questioning, just do it.

10. Forget your “signature move.” Please, just do it. I know your last fifty girlfriends claimed they loved it, but at some point it gets old and annoying – if it didn’t start off that way. No matter how impressive it may have been, if it is not pleasing to your wife then you need to stop.

11. News flash – we have more than four body parts. Really we do! You should explore them, all of them. Unlike most men, we need sex to be a full body experience and jumping right to the fun bits is just annoying because we aren’t ready for that. Take some time and get us worked up before you going to your favorite places. We will let you know when we are ready for you to go there.

12. Speaking of time, we need more of it. I mean physically and mentally, we actually require more time to achieve an orgasm then you do. It has nothing to do with how much we want you or how turned on you make us, it is just how we are wired, and there is nothing we can do about it. Now this does not mean that we need a half hour intercourse. It means that we need more time to become aroused, and often our heads need time to catch up to the arousal our bodies are feeling. So you kissing, petting, and nibbling for fifteen minutes or more should be standard. Set a freaking clock if you have to, but slow down before you jump in.

13. Foreplay! Do it, lots of it, and it shouldn’t start in the bedroom. It starts with a great kiss before you leave for work, a call on your lunch break, and some kind, loving words throughout the day. And then when you get to the bedroom, don’t quit.

14. And no, we do not expect you to have or maintain an erection for the duration of bedroom foreplay. We know that they come and go, and most of the time we aren’t worried about it because we know how to bring it back, barring a legitimate medical problem. Which in that case, go to the doctor and get it checked out. Not only could it be a sign of a greater medical issue, we just assume that by not trying to get that fixed you don’t really care about having sex with us. I know one man who did not address this issue for six years, and then was surprised when his wife cheated. Now, I am not excusing the wife’s actions, but he already knew what the problem was and the fix was easy – as demonstrated by the fact he got it taken care of the first month after the divorce. Don’t be that guy.

15. Do not come to bed exhausted every night. Put the phone done, step away from the computer, and turn off the TV. We want to be a priority and if you come stumbling into bed and offer us the crumbs of your day, we are going to have a hard time getting excited about that. Now, if you have a legitimate reason to be worn out, don’t worry. We understand that and appreciate all that you do for us and the family, but when you do have days when you could devote some time and energy to your wife and don’t, we notice.

16. Do not roll over the instant you are done and start talking about the bills, mowing the yard, or the hole in the roof. I know that in part this is how your brains are wired, but seriously, give us this moment to just enjoy. Don’t ruin it by dwelling on problems, because to us it sounds like you weren’t really in the moment with us.

17. Do not maul us when you are drunk. Look, I know that alcohol helps free up some of those inhibitions, but no woman likes the smell of your beer or whiskey breath. And we really hate how you can’t pay attention to us when your mind is clouded like that. It’s disrespectful and frustrating.

18. If we say something hurts, do not stop for a second and then try to do it again two seconds later. You are just going to hack us off and reluctant to trust you in this area.

19. Your penis is not a magic wand. I hate to break it to you, but it is not. Most women don’t care to look at it, we don’t want pics of it, and we may not even climax when you use it with us. Why? Because the majority of women cannot achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. We need clitoral stimulation. This does not mean you are a bad lover or failure in the bedroom. It just means our bodies were designed in such a way that to really please us you have to pay attention to our needs, and not your own. If you do not know where the clitoris is located, ask your wife to show you and ask her how she would like you to touch her there. (Pro tip - this counts as foreplay!)

20. Do not betray our trust – in or out of the bedroom. Lie to us, play us, make us look like fools, or expose our weaknesses to another and sex with you will not be something we enjoy. In order for us to feel the type of safety and security we need to really turn loose and be in the moment means that we cannot be on our guard against the person we are with. So defend us and our marriage so that we can enjoy those moments when it is just the two of us without having to silence all the doubts and fears that play through our heads.

Look, I know that all of these things might not pertain to your individual situation, and reasonable arguments only work with reasonable people. But over the years, these have been the chief things that wives tell me they wish their husbands would understand. So I encourage not to dismiss any of the suggestions. Instead, talk to your spouse, ask her if these are things that matter to her, if she would like to see any changes, or if she is satisfied with what you are doing. I am not offering this as a universal prescription, I doubt there is such a thing for our sexual relationships, but I am offering them as way for you start the conversations that matter. And if you are communicating with your spouse then your marriage is going to be better for it.

A Scandalous Tale - Sex, Social Media, and Ministry

What happens when you put over 600 women in closed Facebook Group and ask them to talk about their most intimate issues? You learn:

1. The Church and Christian communities have been far too silent on issues of sex, women’s health, and relationships.

2. We all struggle in these areas. The specifics may change from woman to woman, but we are all trying to figure out how to balance our faith and our flesh, trying to be good stewards of each.

3. Shame has been the leading contributor to the lack of education, self-destructive behaviors, abuse, and the inability to celebrate this great gift of sex.

4. How laughter heals and eases us through the hard lessons.

5. The power of having others invest in your well-being through a kind word, prayer, and tangible support.

6. The joy of discovering your story can help another on their journey.

7. That when you give people a tool they already know how to use, they will create something amazing with it.

When the Scandalous Ladies Facebook Group took off on May 29, 2016, we had no idea what we were in for. The group exploded from three members to over one hundred and fifty in less than three hours. In eleven days, we broke three hundred and fifty, and we are still growing. The pace has slowed a bit, but growth isn’t measured in numbers alone.

During that time, we have had over a dozen women make connections with counselors, eight couples have gone into marriage counseling, and hundreds (that’s right, HUNDREDS!) of women have reported that the overall quality of their marriages have improved. The tales of new found freedom and joy in being a woman are told daily, and the friendships being formed have transformed lives.
Our network and combined resources have helped one woman get out of an abusive relationship and into a safe home, another family is being helped through a hard financial time, and the women of Scandalous gave sacrificially in a successful effort to remove girls from a life threatening situation overseas. Even the men are voicing their praise, as their wives have opened new dialogues about sex and proposed they explore some new adventures between the sheets – or other places!

And we do not show any signs of slowing down anytime soon! Since May we have started a Scandalous Moms group, and this month we launched a public page where men can join in the conversation. Soon we hope to launch a series of international (yes, that’s right! International!) conferences and retreats.

I am sharing all of this with you for two reasons:

1. Yes, would love your involvement and support! Ladies, consider this your personal invitation to join the Scandalous Ladies Facebook Group, and to take part in the discussions on “A Scandalous Faith”, our public page.  Men, we need to hear your voices so join us on the public page too, and please, don’t be shy. We want your insights and opinions that is why we started “A Scandalous Faith.

2. I want everyone to know what a powerful tool social media can be, and I want my Christian and Church friends to pay attention.

Within the Christian community there has traditionally been a huge push for outreach and ministry within our communities. These are admirable and needed aspect of fulfilling the mandates of our faith, but let’s face it, we tend to over complicate things. We focus on big events, massive (and often top heavy) programs, or other ways that we can address the masses with some sort of impersonal ministry machine. We stop looking at people as individuals and meeting them where they are. Instead, we get lost in the program and the structure, defending the machine instead of stopping to value the person the machine is supposed to serve.

This is why I think Scandalous works. You can’t talk about sex, sexuality, and relationships without addressing the person. Our machine is secondary, it is the tool we use to meet people where they are. It doesn’t need to be protected, it does not eat up all our resources, and it serves only one function – it connects us with the people that we are here to serve. For us that machine is social media. It is free, we all have it, we don’t have to teach our people how to use it, and we didn’t reinvent the wheel. We used the tool at hand, and made it serve our purposes.

We took all the things that church people like to complain about when it comes to the internet and flipped it on its head so we could use it to our advantage. Impersonal? Yes, but reinterpret that into anonymous and nonthreatening. Too much sex? Oh, yeah, but maybe that is just one way people are saying they need to talk about these things. Crude humor? Sure, but maybe that is how people express their discomfort as they try to establish a dialogue. Eats up all your time? You bet, but maybe it is because people are looking for something to invest their time in that really matters. Hate filled speech and drama? Absolutely, but maybe that is because there is no place else they can express their need for passion.

We didn’t invent this formula for how to have vital and thriving Facebook community. We stumbled into it by asking people to do one little thing – tell their stories. That is it. Tell your story, let us know that we are not alone wrestling with these major life issues, help us understand how you cope, how you survive, and show us how we can be important in your life. Maybe that is just a place to vent, maybe it is providing a safe space to ask the questions you can’t ask anywhere else, maybe you need someone to laugh with you, or maybe you need someone who is willing to cry with you too.

People will tell you what they need, but you have to be listening. They are saying need community. They need to know that they matter, that they are more important than the cogs of some ministry machine. They need some place to invest, to know that they have the ability to make a difference, and that their experiences matter. And that is all we have provided. The women and men who have joined us on this journey are the ones who have made it work. The amazing team of men and women who have so selflessly devoted their time and energy to fanning this spark of an idea into flames have done little more than provide a place where others mattered – really mattered, not for the numbers that can be tallied on a spreadsheet, but rather for the strength each brings to the table for the rest of us.

We in the Christian community need to stop lamenting over a lack of resources or our inability to get people through the doors of our buildings. We need to go to where the people are, and right now that is social media. But beware, you can’t treat people like projects or offer help in the same manner that you would pitch peanuts to a monkey at a zoo. You have to be willing to give, not a program, not an event, and not some pretty little prepackaged Christian band aid, you have to give yourself. And you do that by giving them your story – your successes, your failures, your humiliations, and your victories because that is the only way they are going to see not just you but the God we serve, the God redeems all things.

It is time we stop being afraid, that we stop hiding behind all the glam and glitz of programs, and using them as an excuse for not being present in our communities or blaming the internet for keeping people away from the good we are trying to do. It is time we showed up. The online community is a community, a very real and thriving community that has extended an invitation to us, so now it’s time to remember your manners and show up. We did and were welcomed with open arms.

Reader's Question: How Do Single People Not Give Into Lust?

Reader’s Question:

How do single people not give into lust? At least married people get to have sex. If a (single) person is trying to stay Godly, it sure isn’t easy.

Let me begin with a confession, I was single for over a decade between my marriages, and I wasn’t always successful in combatting the temptation to lust myself. It was a constant, ongoing battle to keep my thoughts and desires in line. The good news is that God redeems all things even the battles we lose, if we are willing to take them to him with honesty and sincerity. And one of the ways he is redeeming my failures is through being able to share the lessons I learned during that time.

One of the first things we need to acknowledge is that we were designed to have sex, to crave it even. There is a level of intimacy that only occurs within a sexual relationship, all sorts of healthy benefits are experienced both participants, and let’s just face the facts, nothing feels as good as sex does when it is done right. Now, I know that we aren’t supposed to admit this, particularly not to single people, who are all virgins in our perfectly sanitized view of the world, but this brings up two other facts that we need to acknowledge:

1. The majority of single people, including Christian Singles, are not virgins. With most people becoming sexually active at an average age of 17 and the high divorce rates, the majority of the single population has been sexually active as some point in their past even if they are abstaining now.

2. We do not live in a perfectly sanitized Christian world, and to create such a view of it for ourselves is called lying. To paraphrase Jesus, cut it out and really look at the world around you. Luke 4.

So now that we know that sex is a part of our lives and was meant to be so, we need to figure out what to do with this God given desire that leads so many of us astray? I don’t claim to have definitive answers, but I can share what worked for me after plenty of trial and error on my part.

We have to stop fighting it. I mean really, we have to stop actively resisting the urge to lust. I know this is counter to everything you have ever been taught, but follow me on this. What am I thinking about when I am trying to convince myself not to lust after a hot piece of man meat? If you answered the hot piece of man meat, then you are correct.

As a friend so aptly put it last night, “We are a tapestry of many things. We are all of them. If we struggle too hard against part of oneself, it gets stronger.” Lust is one of those things that makes up who we are, we are not going to eradicate, but we can direct it. In fighting it, we are declaring its power to define and control us. And as I sit here today, looking back at some of the men I lusted after, I am so glad that my lust does not get to define me.

Now, obviously, I am not saying that we should just give into lust. What I am saying is that we need to use some different tactics – tactics that do not always look like they have anything to do with the problem.

First step: Figure out what feeds your lust. We want to starve it into submission, so we cut off the food source. Pornography, erotica, romance novels, romantic movies, and that piece of eye candy that keeps drawing you back to the coffee shop that you really don’t like otherwise? Yeah, he’s got to go too. Obviously, we can’t cut all the beautiful people out of lives, but we can and should distance ourselves from the ones we aren’t required to be around. It’s like the purging the kitchen before starting a diet, get all the junk food out of the cupboards and pitch it. Yes, they still serve an amazing coconut pie at the diner down the street, but it takes a lot more work to indulge those appetites if you are having to get dressed, start the car, and fight traffic to shovel some in your face.

Second step: Find your vision.  I know, what does this have to do with lust or sex? Everything.

Have you ever taken the ice cubes out of a glass of sweet ice tea? Did you notice the holes in the tea where the ice cubes once were? No, me neither. Our minds operate in much the same way, take out one thought and another thought is going to rush in to fill the empty space.

However, have you got in a hurry poured the tea just a bit too fast, and had it splash all over the table? What floats right out the top and out of the glass? The ice! And this is what you must do with that vision. You have flood you heart, mind, and soul with it to the point that all the icy lust (or would it be lusty ice?) ends up on the table.

This is why it can’t be just any old vision. It has to be the type of vision that consumes you to the point there isn’t any room for anything else in your life. It has fill you up and run out all over the table and the floor, so that everyone who comes in contact with you knows this is your passion – and that is why this is so important.

Passion that needs to a target. Some thing or someplace where it can be unleashed without fear of damaging ourselves or someone else, and ideally where all the strength and power of it can do some good. The problem is that our flesh craves passion. I do not even have to explain to you the truth of that statement. Anyone who has ever felt hungry hands on their skin knows this is true, and it is so easy to dump the passion into the nearest gaping maw. It’s a simple, it’s natural, and we do not have to put one ounce of effort into it, but when you feed all that passion to your flesh it becomes lust.
And you have to keep all that passion somewhere, because even if you determine not to feed your flesh with it and just bottle it up and hold it in, it becomes something else. We call that bitterness, and that is not something you want laying around your heart. All it takes is one hot day and those bottles explode, all over you and everything you love.

Third step: Select what I call some “Go To Thoughts.” These are some prepackaged thoughts that you can pull up on the fly when you feel those lustful urges begin to well up, and this one way you are going to use your vision as way to combat lust. When you build your vision, don’t just have some grand but vague idea, get specific.

For instance, it was not enough for me to say that I wanted to help other women avoid the mistakes I had made or to help them heal from similar experiences. I had decide how I wanted to do that. I envisioned conferences, retreats, and meetings in my home. I planned out the venues, the session topics, how I would present the information, and who I wanted involved. I began designing a house that would be a warm and inviting respite for my guests. Then I began to research how to make this happen, I talked to others pursing or living a similar vision, I went back to school, got the necessary degrees, and I began looking for the best ways to use the tools I already had on hand.
Most importantly, I knew that everything I wanted to accomplish would be endangered if I lived a life that was counter to the very ideas I would one day be sharing with others. And with that knowledge, I was able to flip my thinking. No longer was I saying no to my desires which only left me feeling deprived and sorry for myself. I was actually saying yes to something that was so much more important to me than a few minutes of pleasure – and I like saying yes to me!

Now this is where those “Go To Thoughts” come in, if a lustful thought pops up, you have something to replace and displace it with. Instead of telling yourself no, you say yes to the vision. Instead of telling yourself, don’t think about that (which inevitably leads to thinking about that), you tell yourself to think about that future you have envisioned. Stroll through that house in your mind, tweak the placement of those windows, move the sink to the other side of the kitchen, decide you want a red couch and not a blue one. Practice saying those words you want others to hear, plan an event, research conference centers in Houston, and call a friend to get their advice. If you are pursuing your vision with passion, there isn’t going to be a lot of time or energy left to entertain lust. In other words, you aren’t going to have anything to feed it.

Step four: I am not putting this here because it is the least important. I am putting it here because if you only remember one of these steps, it need to be this. Get honest - raw, brutally, and nasty honest with yourself and God.

I believe anything in excess is sin, and that is all lust is – an excess of desire to please and serve one’s self by using someone else as an object to exploit. It is saying that the pursuit of my pleasure is greater than God’s desires for me. Lust does not ask for another’s consent or bother itself with their object’s desires or what might please them. Lust demands that its object’s pleasure be fulfilled in our desire for them, that the object gives itself as a sacrifice to our wants, and that all we know to be good, true, and right be pushed aside so that we might have a moment of bliss.

What an affront to the God of Love! The God who demonstrated how love puts aside its own comfort and pleasure by leaving his place in heaven, to walk among us as one of us, and to die a brutal death upon a cross so that we in turn might walk in love with him. A God who became the sacrifice because he loved you so much that he would extend an invitation to a relationship where each could experience the joys of knowing and being known – where love is given and received, not simply taken to satisfy his desires.

God placed boundaries on our sexual expressions for a reason. He knew that if we allowed lust to rule us we would be destroyed by passions. He knew the emotional, mental, and physical scars that unfettered lust leaves upon us, and he asks to respect the boundaries so that we can avoid the pain that makes his heart ache on our behalf. Because that is what love does, it places the needs of another above our own. God’s ego and heart is not so fragile or hungry that he must appease us to that he might bask in the shallow affirmations of those who can only love when it feels good. And he does not need our obedience so that he can feel like the great and powerful Oz. Instead, he loves us with a love that is selfless enough to put our needs ahead of any wants he might have, and in doing so exemplifies the splendor of true and holy love.

So we get honest, we repent, and we honor God’s love for us by placing his desires and good pleasure above our own. We acknowledge that anything God loves as much as he loves us is worthy of highest form of love from another, and we honor the God of Love who lives within us by offering the highest form of love we may give another. And when we love like that, lust loses its grip on our hearts. It becomes a momentary distraction whose power to define us has been lost, because we have surrendered that right to the only one truly capable of defining his creation.

A Challenge For My Detractors - Until Then I Will Remain Scandalous

Y’all might want to buckle in for this one. I am little steamed and I am afraid I might forget how to be proper – but it turns out it probably won’t be the first or last time I hear that allegation.

Twelve days ago, something magical happened. I had no idea at the time what a few clicks of a mouse would mean to my life, and even now, I am pretty sure that I am just barely starting to understand the magnitude of that act. You see, a few friends and I decided to start a discussion group inspired by a book I wrote a few years back. (You can purchase it here: Scandalous on Amazon) Within three hours it went from six people to over one hundred and fifty. In three days we had over three hundred and fifty women – all sharing their stories, all asking their questions, and all experiencing a freedom that is all too rare in Christian circles.

You would think that this would be a good thing, but it has gotten back to me that there are some folks out there who think that what we are doing is evil, wicked, and – gasp – improper. There are even a few women who have been chastised for daring to associate with us.

Good Christian girls don’t talk about things like molestation, rape, marital problems, porn addictions for him or her, feminine hygiene, spousal abuse, traumatic births, difficulties have sex with our spouses, sex toys, lubricants, oral sex, anal sex, or period sex. We are supposed sit back and act as if these things either never happened to us, the women we love, or voice a desire to know what the Bible really has to say beyond we should sit down, shut up, and accept what we have been given with proper blushing timidity.

Here is my problem with people who say stuff like that – not that they would actually say these words, they just want to act all appalled and self-righteous – none of them have offered up one scrap of a Bible verse to support their opinion. Let me repeat that: NONE of them have given any BIBLICAL REASON to support their OPINION that we should be silent on issues that make THEM uncomfortable. Criticism flies high and thick, laced with a lot of pious outrage and sanctimonious shock, but that is ALL they have ever offered me or anyone that they have confronted. Oh, sure there are lot of holy SOUNDING words, even a few random phrases from the Bible tossed about as if anyone with half a brain and the ability to read couldn’t tell they have been ripped from their proper context and application in a desperate attempt to vilify women who dared to be honest.

Allow to clarify a few things for you folks. The Bible isn’t proper. In fact, the Bible is rather scandalous itself. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size.

Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.” Ezekiel 23:19-21 ESV

(In case you missed it, “member” means penises and “issues” means ejaculations.)

I myself will lift up your skirts over your face, and your shame will be seen. Jeremiah 13:26

(Oh, and “shame” there – well, it’s referring to genitals again!)

In that day the Lord will shave with a razor that is hired beyond the River—with the king of Assyria—the head and the hair of the feet, and it will sweep away the beard also. Isaiah 7:20 ESV

(Why in the world would anyone shave their enemy’s feet and cut off their beards? Unless, this means…gasp…genitals again!)

This is just a sampling of what the Bible offers in the way of scandalous verses, and I could go on. However, let’s just stop right here for a second and notice one tiny detail. In all three of these passages, the prophets were writing on the behalf of God himself. So it wasn’t really the prophets talking this way, it was God talking this way. Some of you need to stop and let that sink in for a moment.

And what about Song of Solomon? I don’t care you slice that puppy or try to dress it up as an allegory for Christ’s love for the Church. The book is sexual and sensual. To deny that shows that you are more concerned with defending your own delicate sensibilities than getting real about God, His Word, or our faith.

Finally, we should look to Titus 2. This verse is a favorite for women’s ministries, but y’all like to over spiritualize every cotton picking thing.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:3-5 ESV

We are to teach what is good. We could spend hours, years even discussing what is good – things like freedom from bondage, how to be good stewards of our bodies and sexuality, how to heal from sexual trauma and abuse, what healthy marriage that celebrates sex can look like. We can spend years talking about how to be good wives and mothers, but you are fool if you think that means we can be silent about sex, the scars we carry from past relationships, dealing with sexual issues within a marriage, or how to train our children to live in a world where porn is one click away from us all. We can discuss what it means to be self-controlled but we aren’t talking about how to control our biology we are missing a major element of the conversation.

And when we get to that last point – “that the word of God may not be reviled” – every argument ever offered to me, claiming that I must be silent is shredded. Because do you know what happens to women who told to bury their past, to ignore the pain caused by the misuse and abuse of their sexuality, or to deny that they have questions? I do. They end up in marriages where their lives are endangered. They become invisible victims of abuse. They become disillusioned with the Church and think they are disillusioned with a God who is not great enough to deal with the complexities of female sexuality. They rebel against the restraints that the overly pious would place upon us, and they act in anger against God and his Word. I know this. I know because I lived it and because so many women tell me the same story – a story that begins with, “No one ever talked about this.”

So here is my challenge to all of my detractors – show me one verse in context that says I am wrong. Give me one place within the pages of God’s word that would convict me of leading women astray, and I will pull Scandalous from the sales, close down the discussion group, and never speak of these things again. That is how right I KNOW this is.

Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.

A More Thoughtful Response To SCOTUS Decision

A good friend who always has a balancing and healthy perspective on the issues I address, pointed out to me that yesterday's post about the SCOTUS decision seemed dismissive of the gravity of the situation. And as usual, I could not argue as she was right.

I did not address any of the possible, and I believe inevitable, negative outcomes this will create for the Church. There is no doubt in my mind that things are going to get a whole lot uglier before they get better, and I think that as Christians we should be prepared for what is around the bend.

Now, I am in no way claim to be a legal expert, nor do I pretend to be familiar with all the intricacies of the laws of our land. What I offer is my opinion based on my knowledge as a student of the Bible and history.

What I do know about our nation’s laws is that they can be rewritten to be acceptable to the changes of time and culture to better reflect the social attitudes of our day. The ability to make these changes was integral part of the design from the start and has been used to make some very positive changes in our country. Women’s right to vote and racial equality are just two issues that come to mind without a second cup of coffee. My point is laws change, even constitutional laws change, and to bank on them as the source of our security is absurd and naïve.

And it isn’t always that the laws have to change, it is simply that interpretation of the laws are changed. After all, if you compared many of the selfies posted on social media, they clearly fit the standards of pornography of the Comstock Act of 1873 and would have been grounds to arrest about half our nation. However, over the years styles and fashion changed so the definition lewd and obscene changed and as such laws had to be changed to accommodate public demand. Now you can show your butt online as long as you have a string over the crack, and by law it is not considered to pornographic.

There is a very similar evolution going on in our laws that dictate the relationship between church and state, and the SCOTUS decision is going to accelerate that evolution.

The first, most obvious reason, is that the Bible teaches homosexuality is wrong. I know there are a ton of convoluted arguments to the contrary, but let’s go with the plain reading of the text as offered in Scripture.

Now if we believe that freedom of speech is a protected act in the US then you have never studied censorship laws – speech is only as protected as it is deemed proper under societal dictates. Whereas Clark Gable once caused a scandal by “not giving a damn”, no one even blinks at such phrases today. However, say that for a man to lie with another man as woman is an abomination, and presto! You have crossed over into hate speech, and do you know what isn’t protected under freedom of speech?

If you guessed hate speech, you are right.

Freedom of religion also will not spare us the consequences. All that is needed is apply the term abusive to any religious practice and it can come under fire, particularly when it involves minors, and this isn’t a bad thing. When we have men like Warren Jeffs marrying off teenage girls to the men his church, legal action should be taken. However, where do we draw the line and who determines what abuse is? In California, reparative therapy for a child dealing with same sex attraction is considered abusive and has been banned. Other states are sure to follow as homosexuality is now considered to be normal part of our society and culture.

To me the almost obscene footnote in all of this has become a major issues among Christians, and that is the idea that churches will lose their tax exempt status. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to break to break it to you that is going to happen. When we have churches who voluntarily decided to run themselves corporations instead houses of prayer we asked for it, and I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for reaping the consequences of what we have sown. There are greater issues on the line than money, and if you think that God has to have a tax break to be present in this world, your god is pretty small and probably not worth worshipping, and definitely not able to handle the real issues of our world.

So what are we supposed to do? Well, for starters, don’t sit around wringing your hands as if the world has come to an end. What if it has? Isn’t that the hope and longing of all creation? Our job is to be preparing for it, and I don’t mean by stockpiling a bunch of food and ammo. I mean we should be helping those around us to see God’s glory and goodness so that they might be inspired to seek him, and let’s face it, if we are only showing them a defeated God, why would they want him?

We dive deeper into his Word and we follow the outline he gave a persecuted church so many years ago. For their persecution was far greater than any we face now, and yet, he gave them not only the keys to survival, he showed them how to thrive! He told them how to live their faith in the face of oppressive laws and intolerance for their religion. He didn’t lie to them about how believing in him would make their lives all lollipops and rainbows. Instead, he said that we are blessed in persecution and that we would be reviled and that we should rejoice in it.

We become intentional in seeking our King. For it is in knowing him that we find the strength and humility to live transformational lives. Lives that are not full of self-pity or fear, but lives that recognize the darkness makes the light shine even more brightly.

We surround ourselves with other believers, but we remain available to the rest of the world. We find strength and encouragement through the love and support of those who share our faith, and we use those times as a springboard to live our faith boldly before others.

We educate ourselves on the issues that touch the lives of our loved ones, believers and non-believers alike, so that we can have a ready answer in due season. We have been called to be wise, and wisdom is difficult to cultivate in a desert of ignorance.

We walk in grace and compassion, not anger and bitterness. God has done this for us and when we fail to extend it to others, we fail to deny God’s gift to us.

We speak truth, but we do it in love, fully recognizing that the love that has been given to us is also offered to any who would receive it.

But most of all, we share our stories of how God changed us. For some of us this means being real about struggles in our sexuality, for some this an admission that we don’t know what it is like to face that challenge, but for all of us it call to celebrate the goodness of God’s grace and mercy extended to us no matter what we have faced in our lives.

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Jael - Most Blessed of Women

There are just some stories in the Bible that I wish had been written by women. Men are good at giving us the facts, but let’s face it, if you want all the little juicy details, usually you need a woman to do the telling. The story of Jael, for instance, is one of those tales that would benefit from a few additional details. I mean, who was this woman who took down one of the most brutal generals in Israel’s history? What was she like? Where did she get the guts to do something so audacious and bold? I have read her story countless times, and each time I have been left wanting more.

I don’t think you have to be a Bible scholar to know that Jael seems to leap from the pages of history and demand that we acknowledge her as someone special. After all, how many women in the Bible do we see engaged in battle and subterfuge?  And then we have Jael, whose quick and decisive action is among one of the goriest and most celebrated scenes in the Bible.

We know that she was Kenite and married to Heber. They had separated from the rest of his tribe to settle near Kedesh which is close to Megiddo – if that name sounds familiar, it should as it is the same place identified as the Armageddon, a foreshadowing of the bloody future of this place, perhaps? The Kenites are an interesting people unto themselves, as they were the descendants of Moses’ father-in-law who was recognized as priest and one Moses’ trusted advisors. Some traditions trace their lineage to Cain, due to similarities in the two names Kenite and Cain (the connection is far more obvious in the Hebrew) and the belief that they were skilled metal workers, a trade also connected the children of Cain. (Genesis 4:17-22).

If Heber was a skilled metallurgist then that might explain why there was friendship between King Jabin (Sisera’s boss) and himself. (Judges 4:17). Jabin needed someone to make his weapons of war, and who better than a Kenite smith? And that friendship is probably why Sisera felt that Jael’s tents would be a safe place to hide. (Moral number one of this story, your friends’ wives are not required to like you so never assume they do.)

But this also adds an interesting twist to the story – Sisera was at the very least a social acquaintance with Jael’s husband, possibly the primary source of their income. Jael was familiar enough to walk out and greet him, call him by name, so there had been some previous contact between the two. In a society and culture where we picture women as completely subservient to their men, her actions become even more outrageous when we consider that little fact.

If we read only the Judges 4 account, the situation seems rather cut and dry. Sisera entered the tent, Jael covered him, he asked for water, she gave him milk, covered him again, he fell asleep, and she put a tent peg through his temple. However, some scholars to believe that Sisera not only imposed upon Jael for a place to hide, but that he also raped her.

The basis for this view are the multiple references to Jael covering Sisera in chapter four, a common Biblical metaphor sex as I covered in my post about Ruth, and the emphasis placed on violence in Deborah’s song, verses 26 and 27. Particular attention is paid to verse 27 and the repeated refrain:

“Between her feet he sank, he fell, he lay still; between her feet he sank, he fell; there he where he sank he fell – dead.”

If you read my post on Ruth, you also know that the word feet is a euphemism for genitals, and it is believed by some that the first “between her feet he sank, he fell, he lay still” refers to the rape, and the second and third  time refers to Jael turning the table on this man who abused her. Penetration for penetration, if you will.

Adding to this argument is the fact that Deborah even mocks the lust of the Sisera and his men in verse 30a:

“Have they (Sisera and his men) not divided the spoil? – a womb or two for every man;”

“Womb” being the closest Hebrew word for vagina you will find and the word is placed in the mouth of Sisera’s mother as she waits for her conquering son to return from war.

Do I agree with this view? Let’s just say, I don’t dismiss it as a possibility. Sisera was a man of violence, he went to the tent of a women (why not Heber’s tent?), and raping women was considered part and parcel with warfare. We have every reason to believe that he was capable and willing to commit such a heinous act. What I do not like about this view is the fact that it has been used to discount Jael’s bravery and justify her violence, and therefore denying her example as bold woman to anyone who does not have this strong provocation. However, the truth is we will probably never know exactly what happened in that tent and in the end we are left with nothing but speculation to flesh out the bare skeleton of what was recorded in Scripture.

What we should not lose sight of is what do know with certainty. Jael showed courage and strength. She did not let societal constraints or even her husband’s friendship with Jaben to stop her from putting an end to the enemy of God’s people. She risked her life when she opened her tent and allowed him to enter, a risk posed first by Sisera himself and then by her husband who could denounce her for adultery as she had welcomed another man into her private quarters. She did not shy away from the gore of the task, and she did not do it in half measures.

This earned her an extraordinary honor that was reserved for only one other woman in history. Look at verse 24:

“Most blessed of women be Jael.”

There is only one other place in the Bible where this blessing is given, Luke 1:42, when Elizabeth greets the pregnant Mary. I think there is a reason why God chose to link these two women this way. Each of them accepted a role in history that required great courage and posed significant danger to their lives and reputations. Both delivered a death blow to the enemy of God’s people, and I don’t think he wanted us to forget the sheer grit that honoring him would require of them. I don’t think he wanted us to believe that good women are weak women or even proper women. I think he wanted us to know that our service to him would cost us, place us in positions of danger, and cause us to be the subject of scandal of gossip.

I think he wanted us to know and remember the truth. We are daughters of the High Priest. We are have been chosen because he knew we could handle the gore and violence of this life, and we strong enough handle the rumors about what we may have done or what may have been done to us. He expects to eradicate evil when it enters home, even in the guise of friendship and to not be intimidated when the men of this world have formed evil alliances. He promises to redeem our reputations and honor us for being faithful the call he placed on our lives. He sees who we really are and in knowing that we find the strength to deal the death blows to the enemies who threaten his children, and these are the truths, my sisters, which we should cling to as women of God.

Why I Told My Four Year Old About Condoms - It's Scriptural

“Mama, what is a condom?”

We were at a family member’s house when my four year old daughter decided that she needed to ask this question right now.

The family member, without missing a beat, said, “It’s condominium. It’s a place to live. We just call it an apartment.” My daughter looked puzzled and suspicious, but the family member kept smiling in an assuring manner.

I shot the family member a look, turned to my daughter, and said, “It’s something people use when they are trying not to have babies.”

“Oh,” my daughter said and returned to her Nutella sandwich.

It was the family member’s turn to shoot me a look and indicate that we should leave the room for a moment. I was pretty sure what was going to happen, and I was right.

“Don’t tell that baby that!” she said as the door closed between us and the kids. “She’s too young to know about stuff like that!”

“Evidently not, she asked and I am not going to lie to my children,” I stated. “And it’s not like I gave her the banana demonstration.”

This was just one of the many questions I got asked as parent, and one of the many times I found myself bucking the trend among my conservative Christian family and friends about how I answered them. I decided early in life that I was not going to raise my kids the way so many of my peers and I were raised. That is I was not going to raise them in a Christian bubble that denied or avoided all the ugly out there in the world in an attempt to protect my children’s innocence.

Several things lead me to this decision: My own experience in a marriage where my now ex-husband’s sexual practices were so foreign to me that I did not know how to cope. The number of “good Christian kids” who were first stunned, then shaken, and then embracers of values new and exotic that they discovered when they left their parents’ home, and the large number of these kids who became victims of abuse because they were not prepared to deal with real world.

It was not an easy decision. Friends and family could not understand why I would be so frank with my children about the hard realities of this world, and they were not shy in telling me that I was screwing my kids up by telling them these things. “They are just children,” “They are little girls,” “Babies don’t need to hear that”, or “I can’t believe you told her that” were constant refrains in my life. Nor did the girls make it any easier because they did something that few kids are willing to do to their parents – they asked me the hard questions, and the questions just kept getting harder as they grew older because they knew they could trust me to give them an honest answer.

I won’t lie. It wasn’t always easy and there were times that I had to fight not to flinch. Like the one night my daughter calmly asked, “Is anal sex what you do when you are on your period?” I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that I was the cool mom – and try not to choke on the fish we were having for dinner. (In the meantime, Ty has fallen out of his chair and had small seizure in the dining room floor.) Turns out that the cafeteria conversation among the thirteen year olds at school had revolved around this topic that I was blissfully oblivious to until I was twenty one and married.

So why did I do it? Even when it was one of the most difficult and unpopular things I have ever done in my life?

I never allowed myself to think of my children as “little girls”. They were young women who just happened to be little girls at that time. My job was never to keep them in that state or to hold them in some type of stasis. In fact, my job was the exact opposite of this. My job was to help them become women who could handle whatever the world had to offer them and help them not flinch when confronted by those realities that I could not protect them from indefinitely. Talking about these things at home, where it was safe, where they could consider different and opposing views without outside pressure or threats, where they could ask why this or that was contrary to our faith, or why it might be a danger physically or emotionally, gave them the room to determine their course of action before someone else could present a counter-argument that just made mom look like a naïve relic.

I, also, believe that this is a Scriptural approach to parenting. Stop and consider these verses:

Therefore impress these My words upon your very heart: bind them as a sign on your hand and let them serve as a symbol on your forehead, and teach them to your children – reciting them when you stay at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up; and inscribe them on the doorposts of your house and one your gates – to the end  that you and your children may endure, in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers to assign to them as long as there is a heaven over the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-21

What were these words? The Torah, otherwise known as the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures! The laws that God handed down to Moses on Siani, the ones that recorded the history of the Jewish people with all the sex and violence that anyone could want, the ones the described proper sexual expressions, how to deal with bodily fluids, rape, incest, homosexuality, witchcraft, death, burial, childbirth, and so much more! Teaching the Bible, really teaching it and not just doing a cute flannel graph presentation of it, means that we talk about the hard issues with our kids.

I know someone is reading this thinking, “But our lessons need to be age appropriate!” Really? Your ideas of age appropriate or God’s?

Jewish custom dictates that children should begin learning Torah as soon as they can speak, and by the age of 13 they are responsible for fulfilling all the laws contained in the Torah. Now, how can they fulfill what they do not know? And remember we are not talking about the Ten Commandments, we are talking about the entirety of Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy – not something you are going to cram into a six month crash course. This is why formal training in the Torah began at the age of five.

And we should consider the example of Jesus in Luke 2:41-52 when he was found at the Temple asking questions of the teachers and amazing them with his understanding and answers. What would the standard conversation have been between the teachers and boy of twelve? It would have been about the Torah, double checking to see if his parents had been faithful in their obligation as presented in Deuteronomy. Luke specifically tells us that Jesus was growing/filled in wisdom, both before and after this passage, and in rabbinic debate we find that to be wise was to be “wise in Torah.”

Now this is where I could get lost in a big long lesson about how each part of the Bible hinges on another and that cutting and pasting the pretty parts together while ignoring the messy bits leaves us with nothing but fluff that will not sustain our faith. I won’t, at least not here, but I could and so could anyone who took the time to really study the totality of its message.

Unfortunately, this is what we have done for our kids and we wonder why their faith crumbles the moment they leave home. The issues addressed in the Bible were meant to be taught in the safe and loving environment of the home. They were not to be ignored because they make parents uncomfortable. They weren’t to be skipped over in favor stories that we can give the Precious Moment treatment – no! We are to discuss it all, and when we do we will find that there is no modern issue of sex that is left unaddressed. All the answers and tools our children need to make wise decisions is right there, but if we are shielding our kids from it then we do them a disservice in offering a form of religion without the substance of wisdom.

Furthermore, we need to remember that these words were not given in a sexual vacuum. Quite the contrary, with temple prostitution, the small cramped houses, the agrarian lifestyles, sex was at the center of the ancient world. Daily families would have been confronted by the need to teach wisdom and truth their children concerning this issue. Thankfully, God gave them the means to do so in His Word, and notice what you don't find, you don't find any commands to deny reality or to hide the truth from your children. Instead we are told to discuss these things at every waking moment and teach them to guard their hearts, a command that I believe encompasses the need to guard their trust in our integrity and courage by speaking even the uncomfortable truths. (Proverbs 4:20-27, A passage written by a father to a son and is followed by blunt discussion over the dangers of adultery.)

This is why I don’t worry about the news stories or what TV shows. In our home, they were just an opportunity to dive deeper into what the Bible had to teach us about sex and sexuality. We turned what is tearing so many families apart into a springboard for what brought us closer together, and my children learned three significant lessons from this approach – 1. God is not ashamed or confused by sexual issues. 2. There are answers to be found in His Word. 3. They can always come to me with the hard questions and I won’t flinch because the God I serve doesn’t flinch.

Together we can seek out the answers and there is no shame in having the question or need to fear a world that does not share our faith.

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Should I Have Been Nice? - An Emily Rant

I am supposed to act like this.

The other day I got a phone call from someone who wanted to comment on my one of my posts. His words were sweet and encouraging, full of praise and support for “dealing with life’s harder issues.” You would think that this sort of thing would make me happy, but the truth is the longer he prattled on the more irritated I became. He explained to me why he never commented, liked or shared any of my writings. He didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about him or that he might be dealing with any of the issues I address in my posts, but he sure did want to bless and encourage me, just not publicly.

I think it was about the eighth time he said, “thank you for being brave enough to take on these issues” that my unruly mouth slipped its leash, and I heard myself say, “I’m glad one of is.” Needless to say, the conversation was soon over.

When I feel like this!

I know. I know. I was more than just a bit rude, and I shouldn’t have been. There were far more tactful ways to deal with what his words were stirring up inside of me. My problem is I usually only remember that after I have spouted off something less than kind. Believe me, I am working on it, but give me a little grace because it is a work in progress. And if I want to be real honest, I will admit that it probably always will be.

I have been thinking about the conversation a lot, wondering why it made me mad and wondering how I could have handled it better. So far this is what I have come up with:

I started dealing with “life’s harder issues” at time when my marriage was imploding. My ex-husband’s addiction to pornography had reached epic levels, leaving him unable to hold down a job as it interfered with his viewing schedule. I had ceased to exist as woman in his eyes and was considered to be just another obstacle between him and what he really desired. The verbal and emotional abuse was escalating to physical and sexual, and death fantasies became my favorite escape – his or mine, I didn’t care.

The great thing about reaching this level is other people’s opinions no longer matter. Societal constraints become nothing more than spider webs to be slapped aside.

So I started asking questions, contradicting statements, and generally being rude. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain amount of entertainment in people’s shock, but the truth is I wasn’t doing it for that. There were so many truths I need to know if I was ever to return to the land of the living as something other than a shell of a person, and even though I thought I was ready to check out of this world there has always been some part of me ready for a fight. And it soon became apparent that I was in the fight of my life.

The funny thing about questions is that if you want to know the answer there is a pretty good chance that half the people you know want to know the same thing, but just haven’t worked up the nerve to say the words out loud.  It didn’t take long before women started approaching me off to the side, with nervous glance to make sure that no one could overhear. They told me about how their husbands used porn, how there had been violence in their homes, how they had been given the same “stay married and pray” advice I had received, and how they felt like there was no one willing to talk about these things because it was all just too uncomfortable in the church setting.

However, it didn’t make everyone happy with me. I learned from a friend that when she started attending the church I was that she had been warned about me. I learned from another friend that it was thought I had drug problem, and I heard from a third that I caused my husband’s addiction to porn because I had emasculated him with my sharp mouth. Christians can be so sweet.

Every day now, I receive emails, text, and messages over social media from women and men who are facing the same issues I did. They have the same questions I asked and they are facing the same stony faced silence or that condescending “we will just pray for you, dear” attitude I got. I hear from people whose faith is being eroded by Christians who are misrepresenting God and how he responds to our problems. I talk to abuse victims who are terrified of the shame and stigma that comes with divorce. I talk to women who are experts at hiding bruises and men who are terrified of losing everything if the truth comes out so they never seek the help they need except through a stranger who happened to write a book.

Guys and gals, I do not have this covered! There is only one of me and so many of you! The conversations are icky and uncomfortable – you try talking to a 70+ year old man about his chronic masturbation problem, I know!  I have been there. You have try having a pastor contact you on how to deal with a woman in his church who has shown up multiple times with a black eye or swollen lip, or answer a 12 year old’s question about anal sex. I do it all the time, but not because I am an expert. The only thing I have going for me is the fact I lived through my hell and came out the other side scrapping for answers.

I get frustrated and angry that we have become so ashamed of this gift of sexuality that God has given us. My blood pressure boils when I hear some pat and cliché answer proffered to someone who is real need, and I get so tired of being shushed by those who are embarrassed to speak truth into other’s lives. God never did that to anyone! He was bold and truthful. Jesus didn’t look at the lepers or the man at the pool, pat their heads and say, “I’ll pray for you.” He acted and he acted in truth and love – and love without truth is no better than a dollar sympathy card.

Pawning off our responsibility to follow in Jesus’ example is crock and a coward’s way out of what we have been called to be. Expecting someone else to deal with the harder issues of life so we can avoid them is laziness, and the next time you feel tempted to avoid a few words that make you uncomfortable, I hope you remember the cross and humiliation washes over you until you choke.

Could I be a little nicer? Should I have been a little nicer to the man on the phone? Maybe, but maybe too many of us are worshipping “nice” when we should have been worshipping God.

A Defense For Scandalous Conversations - Ruth

Ever wonder how dirty were those feet?

Of all the things that Christians like, apart from Veggie Tales and pastel home décor, our absolute favorite thing in the world is a clear cut good guy – or gal, as is the case for the story of Ruth. We like simple and uncomplicated Biblical figures that we can point to as models morality and piousness, and ones without any messy parts to dodge in our flannel graph presentations of the Bible. For years, Ruth has filled the bill. Her story is sweet, simple and without all the blood, sex, and violence found in so many other passages of the Old Testament. This uncomplicated tale of humility, loyalty, and hard work has made her the ideal heroine for our daughters to learn how to be the proper Christian woman – or is it?

Too often it seems the first step in making the Bible proper enough to be shared in church is to edit out all the humanity. We don’t really want men and woman of flesh and blood. What we want are spiritual giants who manage to rise above the demands and pitfalls of mere humanity. It is easier that way and has the added bonus of not raising too many uncomfortable questions or possibly causing someone to see those all too human moments recorded in the Bible as appropriate. Most certainly we have done this with the men of the Bible, brushing by David’s murder of Uriah, glossing over Samson’s love of prostitutes, Noah’s affinity for wine, and Job’s tendencies to whine, but even bigger victims of this need for perfection are the women of the Bible. There are many, but today, let’s just consider Ruth.

To say that Ruth is a deep text with layers of subtext is an understatement, the foreshadowing of Jesus, humanity's need for a kinsmen redeemer, the famine in the House of Bread (Bethlehem), and arrival of a child whose descendants will sit upon the throne of Israel! We could get lost in this book for weeks and still have barely scratched the surface, but I am going to skip all that and jump to chapter 3. As always, grab your Bible and check me.

In chapter two, we have already been introduced to a very bold side of Ruth – oh, you missed that? Blame the flannel graphs. Ruth is gleaning, but she isn’t just following after the paid workers, she is up among the sheaves, a place she had no business being as she was essentially a beggar. This little fact was included for a reason, we needed to know that Ruth is no shrinking violet. She knows what she wants and she not afraid to ask for it, and that is going to be important in chapter three.

Definitely not a flower for Ruth

(I am tempted to break off this point and discuss how we have completely ignored how bold Ruth is so that we can glean a lesson of humility that would teach our girls their proper places in the Christian community and how easily we manipulate the Scriptures to support our personal agendas, but I am trying to stay on point.)

Now, Naomi is not a patient woman nor is she the type of gal who leaves things to fate, or God for that matter, and she decides that while Boaz’s favor towards Ruth is all fine and dandy, it needs a nudge in the right direction. And she knows what it takes to get a man’s attention – smell good, look nice, wait until his belly is full, and put yourself in place where he can’t ignore you…and if he happens to be a little drunk, so much the better. (Which he was, verse seven, “and his heart was merry.”)

Ruth did exactly what Naomi told her to do, and I don’t think we recognize just how scandalous all of this was. First off, we have an attractive woman going to meet a rich man alone, at night, after he’s been drinking, and she is going to uncover his feet………his feet, hmm.

Boys and girls, pause for a moment and try to consider this scene, not as one in a sacred text, but simply as a story of a man and woman. Don’t try to make them holy, spiritual giants, just let them be people for a moment. Don’t try to be too spiritual yourself, just be a human being for second and consider just the facts that have been presented.

Having a hard time with that? Consider these passages: Isaiah 7:20, does your Bible say “hair of the feet”? Is this man a hobbit or could it be referring to some other bodily hair? Ezekiel 16:20, that little phrase “offering yourself” literally reads in Hebrew as “spreading your feet.” II Samuel 11:8, says “wash your feet” but in verse 11, Uriah lets us know that he knew exactly what David meant. And while clean feet is a good start, Uriah seems to have no difficulty grasping that a little more attention to personal hygiene was being suggested. Exodus 4:25, ever wonder what circumcision has to do with Moses’ feet?

I could go on, but I think you are beginning to catch my drift. If you aren’t, go to your nearest teenager and ask them to explain it to you. They won’t miss it.

Boaz wakes up, startled by Ruth’s presence, and Ruth takes it to whole new level. She makes a gutsy move that would make any good Christian woman blush, “Spread your robe over your servant, for you are my redeemer.”

Now, we have softened this and made it pretty. Ruth is asking for his protection, right? Maybe not, there is reason to think she is asking for little more. Turn with me now to Ezekiel 16:6-14, pay special attention to verse 8. Is there any doubt that this is a description of a sexual encounter? The words are almost identical and there is no reason to believe that they mean something different in Ruth than they do here. Ruth was asking for protection, but was also making it plain that she wanted him to see her as more than hardworking field hand. She wanted him to see her as desirable woman.

And evidently he did, because after he get done praising God for her advances and explaining the legalities of their situation, he tells her to stay the night (verse 13).

The chapter ends with wily Naomi resting confidently in her knowledge of men. She had deliberately sent Ruth to arouse Boaz from his slumber, both literally and figuratively, knowing the power of a beautiful woman to inspire a man to action.

Now, I would be remiss if I did not note that there is strong resistance to this reading of Ruth. Many people flat out reject it as implausible, that godly men and women would never do anything sexually inappropriate, but a quick perusal of the Old Testament shows a number of holes in that argument. Others claim that only the perverse would see such a thing in the text as it is not specifically stated that Ruth and Boaz had sex.

And maybe, they didn’t. We may never know for certain, and that is not what is important. What is important is the fact that we cannot deny the sexual tension both in action and speech. Whether or not they had sex is beside the point, because there is no way to explain away the fact that that Ruth’s deeds were inappropriate and could have ended with her being labeled a harlot. Boaz could have publicly renounced her, a foreigner of a scorned country, who had dared to be lewd – where would that have left her? It was a risk and a big one.

What I love about considering this passage with its sexuality intact is what it teaches us about Ruth, as a woman and how she inhabits her sexuality. She is not afraid of her body and she is not afraid to take a risk to claim all the promises of protection that offered to her in this covenant land. Should she have done it? Probably not, God was more than capable of getting a message to Boaz, but the Bible isn’t big on recording what should have happened and offers stories of what did happen.

And what a message of hope here for women who have made mistakes with their sexuality, who have abused it for advancement and gain. All it takes to return to community is a Redeemer, and we aren’t having to wait for a man to complete all the legal steps, we have him - in the person of Jesus, we have him! He is ours, all we have to do is ask that he spread his robe over us and he will do it. No hesitation, no reluctance, or fear to do so because he has done it so many times past and he wants to do it again so that we have a chance to participate in his plan of salvation to the world, just like Ruth, but we miss this message when we deny the people of the Bible their humanity, their sexuality, and even their mistakes.

So let's start sharing their stories with all the elements intact. Let's stop trying to edit God's words as if we knew better than  what should and should not be communicated to the world. He gave us a great gift with his honesty, and we should be sharing it with the honor and integrity it deserves.