Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.

A Second Hand Question - Natural Revelation and Multiple Religions

“I believe in God but how come there are so many different religions to believe in? Like how could anyone really be living for the wrong god if they grew up believing in something else, and they have no clue about anything else. Like atheist, and stuff..just because you hear about another religion and people saying it the way to live doesn’t mean they’re going to live that way.”

A friend of mine tagged me in response to this Facebook status, and due to the original author’s privacy settings I was unable to respond directly. So I guess this is a secondhand reader question. I decided to answer in this way so that our mutual friend can share my response with the writer, and I know that this is a common question among believers and non-believers alike.

First, there are several questions being presented here, so let’s divide them up for easier handling. I am also going to arrange them in order of what I consider to be importance.

Q.) “Like how could anyone really be living for the wrong god if they grew up believing in something else, and they have no about anything else(?)”

A.) This was a question that has bothered me since I was old enough to know that people might not hear the message of the Jesus, and I wrestled with it for a long time. It did not seem fair to me that God would punish someone for something they were never taught or saw in their culture.
The problem with this view is that we are limiting God’s power to speak to whomever he wishes however he wishes. We are saying that God can only reveal himself if men and women speak on his behalf, but there are so many accounts that show that God will make himself known to those who really desire to know him.

One famous example is Helen Keller who was blind and deaf from the age of two. After she learned to communicate she was introduced to Phillips Brooks who wrote about their conversation. Keller told him that she always knew who God was and that he was there with her in the silence and darkness. She did not have a name or the proper *Christian* words to use for her experience, but when she was told about Jesus she knew that he was the one who had been with her at this time.

There is another story of the Druids in Ireland who upon hearing the message of the first Christian missionaries declared that they could now end their search for the name of the God they had been seeking. The Romans built an idol to an unknown God as they knew there was a God greater than any they served, and they desired to honor him even if they could not identify him.

Paul address this in his letter to the Romans:

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith as it is written, ‘The righteous shall live by faith.’ For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness suppresses truth.  For what can be known about God is plain to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world in things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” 1:16-20

Now I know that is a big chunk of dense Scripture, so let me break it down a little. To me it means that if any of us stopped and really looked at this amazing world that we live in, we would see the evidence of our Creator. And we would not only see that he created a home for us, but he cared about us enough to make it home of beauty and to contain things simply for our pleasure and delight. (Can you say “chocolate”? Beautiful sunsets? The cool breeze on a hot day? The list of the good things he has given us can go on and on.) We might not know his name, but we would know something of his heart for us. We could see it and love him even without being told his story. And as our hearts opened in faith to seek him, we would be come to know him more fully despite the fact that no one told us who he is.

I think this is what happened with Helen Keller – she discerned his presence and she trusted him in the darkness. I think in doing so she learned to recognize him so completely that when Phillips Brooks described Jesus to her she knew he could be describing no one else than the God who had been with her all this time. I think God honored her desire to know him even before she knew his name, and I think God would honor that in anyone who had never been told of his story. Which leads us to the next question.

Q.) “Just because you hear about another religion and people saying it the way to live doesn’t mean they’re going to live that way.”

A.) You are absolutely right. I have studied so many religions trying to understand this world, and I have yet to hear of a new one that even begins to draw me away from the faith I grew up with.

So what would cause someone to change their faith just by hearing about a new religion such as Christianity?

I believe it happens when the people have had a faith in the God their hearts knew to be the real God and we make the introduction. Just like Helen Keller, we share the story of Jesus and they recognize that this is the God they truly want to serve in their hearts. The understand the limitations and shortcoming of the faith they had known before and recognize Christianity as the complete answer to their questions and desire to know God more fully.

Q.) I believe in God but how come there are so many different religions to believe in?

To answer this question completely would require that I write a book or ten. The answer is found in history and cultures that were isolated from the message of Christianity, and in the fact that some people will never accept the truth of the Bible. Some people want to think they can exist without God, that science and reason can answer all the questions of their hearts and close off their hearts to him. Some have intentionally created new religions in order to have a god that will allow them to serve themselves and justify their evil intents. Some people have deliberately deceived others saying that God has spoken to them and used this as a way to get power and prestige.

It is popular today to say that all religions are the same and all religions really serve God. Many people believe that it does not matter which religion you claim as long as you believe in a higher power, but the Bible rejects that claim – as do all other religions, because all religions claim that they are the one true religion and deny the rewards of their faith to anyone who does not follow them.
Once we have been told of the Jesus and his sacrifice for us, we have a choice – to believe and accept Him as the Truth or to reject Him as a lie. There is no in between.

I truly hope this answers your questions or, at least, gives you a starting point to begin seeking out more better and fuller answers to your questions. I confess there are many who could answer this far more eloquently and plainly than I.