Reader's Question: How Do Single People Not Give Into Lust?

Reader’s Question:

How do single people not give into lust? At least married people get to have sex. If a (single) person is trying to stay Godly, it sure isn’t easy.

Let me begin with a confession, I was single for over a decade between my marriages, and I wasn’t always successful in combatting the temptation to lust myself. It was a constant, ongoing battle to keep my thoughts and desires in line. The good news is that God redeems all things even the battles we lose, if we are willing to take them to him with honesty and sincerity. And one of the ways he is redeeming my failures is through being able to share the lessons I learned during that time.

One of the first things we need to acknowledge is that we were designed to have sex, to crave it even. There is a level of intimacy that only occurs within a sexual relationship, all sorts of healthy benefits are experienced both participants, and let’s just face the facts, nothing feels as good as sex does when it is done right. Now, I know that we aren’t supposed to admit this, particularly not to single people, who are all virgins in our perfectly sanitized view of the world, but this brings up two other facts that we need to acknowledge:

1. The majority of single people, including Christian Singles, are not virgins. With most people becoming sexually active at an average age of 17 and the high divorce rates, the majority of the single population has been sexually active as some point in their past even if they are abstaining now.

2. We do not live in a perfectly sanitized Christian world, and to create such a view of it for ourselves is called lying. To paraphrase Jesus, cut it out and really look at the world around you. Luke 4.

So now that we know that sex is a part of our lives and was meant to be so, we need to figure out what to do with this God given desire that leads so many of us astray? I don’t claim to have definitive answers, but I can share what worked for me after plenty of trial and error on my part.

We have to stop fighting it. I mean really, we have to stop actively resisting the urge to lust. I know this is counter to everything you have ever been taught, but follow me on this. What am I thinking about when I am trying to convince myself not to lust after a hot piece of man meat? If you answered the hot piece of man meat, then you are correct.

As a friend so aptly put it last night, “We are a tapestry of many things. We are all of them. If we struggle too hard against part of oneself, it gets stronger.” Lust is one of those things that makes up who we are, we are not going to eradicate, but we can direct it. In fighting it, we are declaring its power to define and control us. And as I sit here today, looking back at some of the men I lusted after, I am so glad that my lust does not get to define me.

Now, obviously, I am not saying that we should just give into lust. What I am saying is that we need to use some different tactics – tactics that do not always look like they have anything to do with the problem.

First step: Figure out what feeds your lust. We want to starve it into submission, so we cut off the food source. Pornography, erotica, romance novels, romantic movies, and that piece of eye candy that keeps drawing you back to the coffee shop that you really don’t like otherwise? Yeah, he’s got to go too. Obviously, we can’t cut all the beautiful people out of lives, but we can and should distance ourselves from the ones we aren’t required to be around. It’s like the purging the kitchen before starting a diet, get all the junk food out of the cupboards and pitch it. Yes, they still serve an amazing coconut pie at the diner down the street, but it takes a lot more work to indulge those appetites if you are having to get dressed, start the car, and fight traffic to shovel some in your face.

Second step: Find your vision.  I know, what does this have to do with lust or sex? Everything.

Have you ever taken the ice cubes out of a glass of sweet ice tea? Did you notice the holes in the tea where the ice cubes once were? No, me neither. Our minds operate in much the same way, take out one thought and another thought is going to rush in to fill the empty space.

However, have you got in a hurry poured the tea just a bit too fast, and had it splash all over the table? What floats right out the top and out of the glass? The ice! And this is what you must do with that vision. You have flood you heart, mind, and soul with it to the point that all the icy lust (or would it be lusty ice?) ends up on the table.

This is why it can’t be just any old vision. It has to be the type of vision that consumes you to the point there isn’t any room for anything else in your life. It has fill you up and run out all over the table and the floor, so that everyone who comes in contact with you knows this is your passion – and that is why this is so important.

Passion that needs to a target. Some thing or someplace where it can be unleashed without fear of damaging ourselves or someone else, and ideally where all the strength and power of it can do some good. The problem is that our flesh craves passion. I do not even have to explain to you the truth of that statement. Anyone who has ever felt hungry hands on their skin knows this is true, and it is so easy to dump the passion into the nearest gaping maw. It’s a simple, it’s natural, and we do not have to put one ounce of effort into it, but when you feed all that passion to your flesh it becomes lust.
And you have to keep all that passion somewhere, because even if you determine not to feed your flesh with it and just bottle it up and hold it in, it becomes something else. We call that bitterness, and that is not something you want laying around your heart. All it takes is one hot day and those bottles explode, all over you and everything you love.

Third step: Select what I call some “Go To Thoughts.” These are some prepackaged thoughts that you can pull up on the fly when you feel those lustful urges begin to well up, and this one way you are going to use your vision as way to combat lust. When you build your vision, don’t just have some grand but vague idea, get specific.

For instance, it was not enough for me to say that I wanted to help other women avoid the mistakes I had made or to help them heal from similar experiences. I had decide how I wanted to do that. I envisioned conferences, retreats, and meetings in my home. I planned out the venues, the session topics, how I would present the information, and who I wanted involved. I began designing a house that would be a warm and inviting respite for my guests. Then I began to research how to make this happen, I talked to others pursing or living a similar vision, I went back to school, got the necessary degrees, and I began looking for the best ways to use the tools I already had on hand.
Most importantly, I knew that everything I wanted to accomplish would be endangered if I lived a life that was counter to the very ideas I would one day be sharing with others. And with that knowledge, I was able to flip my thinking. No longer was I saying no to my desires which only left me feeling deprived and sorry for myself. I was actually saying yes to something that was so much more important to me than a few minutes of pleasure – and I like saying yes to me!

Now this is where those “Go To Thoughts” come in, if a lustful thought pops up, you have something to replace and displace it with. Instead of telling yourself no, you say yes to the vision. Instead of telling yourself, don’t think about that (which inevitably leads to thinking about that), you tell yourself to think about that future you have envisioned. Stroll through that house in your mind, tweak the placement of those windows, move the sink to the other side of the kitchen, decide you want a red couch and not a blue one. Practice saying those words you want others to hear, plan an event, research conference centers in Houston, and call a friend to get their advice. If you are pursuing your vision with passion, there isn’t going to be a lot of time or energy left to entertain lust. In other words, you aren’t going to have anything to feed it.

Step four: I am not putting this here because it is the least important. I am putting it here because if you only remember one of these steps, it need to be this. Get honest - raw, brutally, and nasty honest with yourself and God.

I believe anything in excess is sin, and that is all lust is – an excess of desire to please and serve one’s self by using someone else as an object to exploit. It is saying that the pursuit of my pleasure is greater than God’s desires for me. Lust does not ask for another’s consent or bother itself with their object’s desires or what might please them. Lust demands that its object’s pleasure be fulfilled in our desire for them, that the object gives itself as a sacrifice to our wants, and that all we know to be good, true, and right be pushed aside so that we might have a moment of bliss.

What an affront to the God of Love! The God who demonstrated how love puts aside its own comfort and pleasure by leaving his place in heaven, to walk among us as one of us, and to die a brutal death upon a cross so that we in turn might walk in love with him. A God who became the sacrifice because he loved you so much that he would extend an invitation to a relationship where each could experience the joys of knowing and being known – where love is given and received, not simply taken to satisfy his desires.

God placed boundaries on our sexual expressions for a reason. He knew that if we allowed lust to rule us we would be destroyed by passions. He knew the emotional, mental, and physical scars that unfettered lust leaves upon us, and he asks to respect the boundaries so that we can avoid the pain that makes his heart ache on our behalf. Because that is what love does, it places the needs of another above our own. God’s ego and heart is not so fragile or hungry that he must appease us to that he might bask in the shallow affirmations of those who can only love when it feels good. And he does not need our obedience so that he can feel like the great and powerful Oz. Instead, he loves us with a love that is selfless enough to put our needs ahead of any wants he might have, and in doing so exemplifies the splendor of true and holy love.

So we get honest, we repent, and we honor God’s love for us by placing his desires and good pleasure above our own. We acknowledge that anything God loves as much as he loves us is worthy of highest form of love from another, and we honor the God of Love who lives within us by offering the highest form of love we may give another. And when we love like that, lust loses its grip on our hearts. It becomes a momentary distraction whose power to define us has been lost, because we have surrendered that right to the only one truly capable of defining his creation.

A Challenge For My Detractors - Until Then I Will Remain Scandalous

Y’all might want to buckle in for this one. I am little steamed and I am afraid I might forget how to be proper – but it turns out it probably won’t be the first or last time I hear that allegation.

Twelve days ago, something magical happened. I had no idea at the time what a few clicks of a mouse would mean to my life, and even now, I am pretty sure that I am just barely starting to understand the magnitude of that act. You see, a few friends and I decided to start a discussion group inspired by a book I wrote a few years back. (You can purchase it here: Scandalous on Amazon) Within three hours it went from six people to over one hundred and fifty. In three days we had over three hundred and fifty women – all sharing their stories, all asking their questions, and all experiencing a freedom that is all too rare in Christian circles.

You would think that this would be a good thing, but it has gotten back to me that there are some folks out there who think that what we are doing is evil, wicked, and – gasp – improper. There are even a few women who have been chastised for daring to associate with us.

Good Christian girls don’t talk about things like molestation, rape, marital problems, porn addictions for him or her, feminine hygiene, spousal abuse, traumatic births, difficulties have sex with our spouses, sex toys, lubricants, oral sex, anal sex, or period sex. We are supposed sit back and act as if these things either never happened to us, the women we love, or voice a desire to know what the Bible really has to say beyond we should sit down, shut up, and accept what we have been given with proper blushing timidity.

Here is my problem with people who say stuff like that – not that they would actually say these words, they just want to act all appalled and self-righteous – none of them have offered up one scrap of a Bible verse to support their opinion. Let me repeat that: NONE of them have given any BIBLICAL REASON to support their OPINION that we should be silent on issues that make THEM uncomfortable. Criticism flies high and thick, laced with a lot of pious outrage and sanctimonious shock, but that is ALL they have ever offered me or anyone that they have confronted. Oh, sure there are lot of holy SOUNDING words, even a few random phrases from the Bible tossed about as if anyone with half a brain and the ability to read couldn’t tell they have been ripped from their proper context and application in a desperate attempt to vilify women who dared to be honest.

Allow to clarify a few things for you folks. The Bible isn’t proper. In fact, the Bible is rather scandalous itself. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size.

Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.” Ezekiel 23:19-21 ESV

(In case you missed it, “member” means penises and “issues” means ejaculations.)

I myself will lift up your skirts over your face, and your shame will be seen. Jeremiah 13:26

(Oh, and “shame” there – well, it’s referring to genitals again!)

In that day the Lord will shave with a razor that is hired beyond the River—with the king of Assyria—the head and the hair of the feet, and it will sweep away the beard also. Isaiah 7:20 ESV

(Why in the world would anyone shave their enemy’s feet and cut off their beards? Unless, this means…gasp…genitals again!)

This is just a sampling of what the Bible offers in the way of scandalous verses, and I could go on. However, let’s just stop right here for a second and notice one tiny detail. In all three of these passages, the prophets were writing on the behalf of God himself. So it wasn’t really the prophets talking this way, it was God talking this way. Some of you need to stop and let that sink in for a moment.

And what about Song of Solomon? I don’t care you slice that puppy or try to dress it up as an allegory for Christ’s love for the Church. The book is sexual and sensual. To deny that shows that you are more concerned with defending your own delicate sensibilities than getting real about God, His Word, or our faith.

Finally, we should look to Titus 2. This verse is a favorite for women’s ministries, but y’all like to over spiritualize every cotton picking thing.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:3-5 ESV

We are to teach what is good. We could spend hours, years even discussing what is good – things like freedom from bondage, how to be good stewards of our bodies and sexuality, how to heal from sexual trauma and abuse, what healthy marriage that celebrates sex can look like. We can spend years talking about how to be good wives and mothers, but you are fool if you think that means we can be silent about sex, the scars we carry from past relationships, dealing with sexual issues within a marriage, or how to train our children to live in a world where porn is one click away from us all. We can discuss what it means to be self-controlled but we aren’t talking about how to control our biology we are missing a major element of the conversation.

And when we get to that last point – “that the word of God may not be reviled” – every argument ever offered to me, claiming that I must be silent is shredded. Because do you know what happens to women who told to bury their past, to ignore the pain caused by the misuse and abuse of their sexuality, or to deny that they have questions? I do. They end up in marriages where their lives are endangered. They become invisible victims of abuse. They become disillusioned with the Church and think they are disillusioned with a God who is not great enough to deal with the complexities of female sexuality. They rebel against the restraints that the overly pious would place upon us, and they act in anger against God and his Word. I know this. I know because I lived it and because so many women tell me the same story – a story that begins with, “No one ever talked about this.”

So here is my challenge to all of my detractors – show me one verse in context that says I am wrong. Give me one place within the pages of God’s word that would convict me of leading women astray, and I will pull Scandalous from the sales, close down the discussion group, and never speak of these things again. That is how right I KNOW this is.

Reader's Question: Why Are Unwed Mothers Treated Like Pariahs?

“The research that I have done on Mary turns up different results. Some believe that she was married to Joseph before the birth of Christ, some say that she wasn’t, and others say she was betrothed and that was a good as being married. If she was not married before Christ’s birth, why are unwed mothers treated as pariahs in many churches? Especially churches that teach that Mary was not wed when she gave birth?”

Okay, let me say up front that I love this question for many reasons. First of all, I love that this reader DID RESEARCH! Secondly, I love she is attempting to do what so many of us Christians fail to do, she is trying to make a connection between what the Bible tells us and how we apply it in our lives – and did I mention that she isn’t a believer? (There is an entire lesson in that for those of us who claim the Christian faith.) Third, when she ran into a road block she asked for help.

To begin, let’s break this down because we really have three questions here, and each are important. The first question is: What was Mary’s marital state when she had Jesus?

Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:27 both tell us that Mary was betrothed to Joseph when she is receives the news that she is going to give birth by supernatural means. The difficulty in this for modern readers is that we do not have anything that resembles an ancient betrothal in time, so we really do not know what or how much significance to place on this event. To avoid getting to bogged down in minutia, I will keep it simple.

Betrothal was essentially the legal component of the marriage. This was when all the agreements and promises were made, and the groom would begin the preparing a home for his bride based on those promises. During this time, he proved his commitment by tangibly investing his time, money, and labor into creating their new home. In turn, she would prove her devotion by waiting for him in her father’s home and refraining from any behavior that would dishonor him. What is important to understand is that while they were legally married, they had not yet consummated the marriage. In plain English, they had not had sex nor would they until the day he came to claim his bride and take her to their new home.

It was during this preparation time that Mary became pregnant with Jesus. As believers, we believe the conception was supernatural and that she was still a virgin when this happened. I know, it doesn’t make sense as we all understand that the pregnancy game requires two players, but that is why it requires faith to be a Christian. This is also why Joseph toyed with the idea of having Mary put away. He thought she had cheated on him until God told him otherwise.

So to answer the question more directly: She was legally married to Joseph, but they had not yet had sex.

Now I said there are three questions, but to be more accurate there are two but this one has two aspects that need to be addressed: Why are unwed mothers treated like pariahs?

First, we need to understand the importance of sex within the Christian culture. In the Bible, sex is one of the most vivid metaphors for our relationship with God. Think of it like a physical mirror of what is happening in the spiritual realm. In marriage, we forsake all others to be faithful to one who has committed to living a life that creates a future for the two of you to share together. The expressions of love through sexual intimacy transcend physical and momentary pleasure, and become a declaration of unity and devotion to each other that literally reshapes reality. No longer can sex be selfish or uncaring as true unity in intimacy requires compassion and concern for the totality of the other’s existence.

This should be the aspiration of all Christians in regard to God – that we are walking in love and devotion to every aspect of God we can even begin to comprehend so that intimacy deepens and becomes a life giving force for our world. No other human event encompasses this principle like sex within a committed marriage. For this reason, we place a high value on sex in the physical realm and place our sexuality and expressions of sexuality under the God’s authority which means no sex outside of marriage.

So that is the principle that so many Christians think they are defending when they look at unwed mothers as pariahs, and the first aspect that needed to be addressed in answering the question.

The second aspect is this:

Christians can be stupid.

Too many times we get so caught up in trying to defend God and the things we believe that we forget that God does not need our help. (Unless you happen to worshipping some god inferior to the one presented in the Bible, in which case, that god may very well need it, but let’s be honest about who or what you are really worshipping.) God calls us to compassion.

People make mistakes and they screw up (sometimes literally). People get into bad situations that are beyond their control, and people live in a world that our own Bible tells us is corrupted – so shit happens. And if there is an unwed mother in your church, you should be taking this as an opportunity to walk in the love and grace that has been given to you. Stop acting as if it is in short supply and you need to hoard it all to yourself.

Being a single mom is hard. I know, I have been there. And it isn’t up to anyone on this side of heaven to mete out proper chastisement for a woman’s life choices. God has that covered. And what if she there seeking him, seeking answers, and trying to build a better life for her and her child(ren)? Do you really want to be held accountable for standing in her way or the way of her children? Jesus has some pretty harsh things to say to people who cause “the least of these to stumble.” (Matthew 18:6).

And another thing, church ladies, you need to get over your insecurities and fears. Most women are not there trying to steal your man away, and if he can be stolen you have bigger problems than the woman you want to brand with a scarlet letter. And church men, you need to get something straight too. Just because a woman has obviously been sexually active with another man, it does not mean she hot and ready to put out for you. Believing that just reveals that you need to repent of your pride and lust.

The book of James tells us that true religion is taking care of the widow and orphan. When he wrote that an orphan was anyone without a father. That means that you, the CHURCH, should be stepping up and helping take care of those kids, and you cannot do that if you are cowering if fear or roaring in judgement against their mother. It is time you acknowledge and support her choice to do the right thing, to step up and raise her child in a time when babies are disposable, and being free from the consequences of this life is as easy as trip to a clinic or a call to DHS. You are not being wise or holy for condemning her, you are simply revealing how great your own fears are and how small you believe God to be. So exercise some real faith, demonstrate some real love, and practice that religion that you tell everyone you value so highly because the world has enough hypocrisy it doesn’t need your's.

A More Thoughtful Response To SCOTUS Decision

A good friend who always has a balancing and healthy perspective on the issues I address, pointed out to me that yesterday's post about the SCOTUS decision seemed dismissive of the gravity of the situation. And as usual, I could not argue as she was right.

I did not address any of the possible, and I believe inevitable, negative outcomes this will create for the Church. There is no doubt in my mind that things are going to get a whole lot uglier before they get better, and I think that as Christians we should be prepared for what is around the bend.

Now, I am in no way claim to be a legal expert, nor do I pretend to be familiar with all the intricacies of the laws of our land. What I offer is my opinion based on my knowledge as a student of the Bible and history.

What I do know about our nation’s laws is that they can be rewritten to be acceptable to the changes of time and culture to better reflect the social attitudes of our day. The ability to make these changes was integral part of the design from the start and has been used to make some very positive changes in our country. Women’s right to vote and racial equality are just two issues that come to mind without a second cup of coffee. My point is laws change, even constitutional laws change, and to bank on them as the source of our security is absurd and naïve.

And it isn’t always that the laws have to change, it is simply that interpretation of the laws are changed. After all, if you compared many of the selfies posted on social media, they clearly fit the standards of pornography of the Comstock Act of 1873 and would have been grounds to arrest about half our nation. However, over the years styles and fashion changed so the definition lewd and obscene changed and as such laws had to be changed to accommodate public demand. Now you can show your butt online as long as you have a string over the crack, and by law it is not considered to pornographic.

There is a very similar evolution going on in our laws that dictate the relationship between church and state, and the SCOTUS decision is going to accelerate that evolution.

The first, most obvious reason, is that the Bible teaches homosexuality is wrong. I know there are a ton of convoluted arguments to the contrary, but let’s go with the plain reading of the text as offered in Scripture.

Now if we believe that freedom of speech is a protected act in the US then you have never studied censorship laws – speech is only as protected as it is deemed proper under societal dictates. Whereas Clark Gable once caused a scandal by “not giving a damn”, no one even blinks at such phrases today. However, say that for a man to lie with another man as woman is an abomination, and presto! You have crossed over into hate speech, and do you know what isn’t protected under freedom of speech?

If you guessed hate speech, you are right.

Freedom of religion also will not spare us the consequences. All that is needed is apply the term abusive to any religious practice and it can come under fire, particularly when it involves minors, and this isn’t a bad thing. When we have men like Warren Jeffs marrying off teenage girls to the men his church, legal action should be taken. However, where do we draw the line and who determines what abuse is? In California, reparative therapy for a child dealing with same sex attraction is considered abusive and has been banned. Other states are sure to follow as homosexuality is now considered to be normal part of our society and culture.

To me the almost obscene footnote in all of this has become a major issues among Christians, and that is the idea that churches will lose their tax exempt status. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to break to break it to you that is going to happen. When we have churches who voluntarily decided to run themselves corporations instead houses of prayer we asked for it, and I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for reaping the consequences of what we have sown. There are greater issues on the line than money, and if you think that God has to have a tax break to be present in this world, your god is pretty small and probably not worth worshipping, and definitely not able to handle the real issues of our world.

So what are we supposed to do? Well, for starters, don’t sit around wringing your hands as if the world has come to an end. What if it has? Isn’t that the hope and longing of all creation? Our job is to be preparing for it, and I don’t mean by stockpiling a bunch of food and ammo. I mean we should be helping those around us to see God’s glory and goodness so that they might be inspired to seek him, and let’s face it, if we are only showing them a defeated God, why would they want him?

We dive deeper into his Word and we follow the outline he gave a persecuted church so many years ago. For their persecution was far greater than any we face now, and yet, he gave them not only the keys to survival, he showed them how to thrive! He told them how to live their faith in the face of oppressive laws and intolerance for their religion. He didn’t lie to them about how believing in him would make their lives all lollipops and rainbows. Instead, he said that we are blessed in persecution and that we would be reviled and that we should rejoice in it.

We become intentional in seeking our King. For it is in knowing him that we find the strength and humility to live transformational lives. Lives that are not full of self-pity or fear, but lives that recognize the darkness makes the light shine even more brightly.

We surround ourselves with other believers, but we remain available to the rest of the world. We find strength and encouragement through the love and support of those who share our faith, and we use those times as a springboard to live our faith boldly before others.

We educate ourselves on the issues that touch the lives of our loved ones, believers and non-believers alike, so that we can have a ready answer in due season. We have been called to be wise, and wisdom is difficult to cultivate in a desert of ignorance.

We walk in grace and compassion, not anger and bitterness. God has done this for us and when we fail to extend it to others, we fail to deny God’s gift to us.

We speak truth, but we do it in love, fully recognizing that the love that has been given to us is also offered to any who would receive it.

But most of all, we share our stories of how God changed us. For some of us this means being real about struggles in our sexuality, for some this an admission that we don’t know what it is like to face that challenge, but for all of us it call to celebrate the goodness of God’s grace and mercy extended to us no matter what we have faced in our lives.

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Why I Told My Four Year Old About Condoms - It's Scriptural

“Mama, what is a condom?”

We were at a family member’s house when my four year old daughter decided that she needed to ask this question right now.

The family member, without missing a beat, said, “It’s condominium. It’s a place to live. We just call it an apartment.” My daughter looked puzzled and suspicious, but the family member kept smiling in an assuring manner.

I shot the family member a look, turned to my daughter, and said, “It’s something people use when they are trying not to have babies.”

“Oh,” my daughter said and returned to her Nutella sandwich.

It was the family member’s turn to shoot me a look and indicate that we should leave the room for a moment. I was pretty sure what was going to happen, and I was right.

“Don’t tell that baby that!” she said as the door closed between us and the kids. “She’s too young to know about stuff like that!”

“Evidently not, she asked and I am not going to lie to my children,” I stated. “And it’s not like I gave her the banana demonstration.”

This was just one of the many questions I got asked as parent, and one of the many times I found myself bucking the trend among my conservative Christian family and friends about how I answered them. I decided early in life that I was not going to raise my kids the way so many of my peers and I were raised. That is I was not going to raise them in a Christian bubble that denied or avoided all the ugly out there in the world in an attempt to protect my children’s innocence.

Several things lead me to this decision: My own experience in a marriage where my now ex-husband’s sexual practices were so foreign to me that I did not know how to cope. The number of “good Christian kids” who were first stunned, then shaken, and then embracers of values new and exotic that they discovered when they left their parents’ home, and the large number of these kids who became victims of abuse because they were not prepared to deal with real world.

It was not an easy decision. Friends and family could not understand why I would be so frank with my children about the hard realities of this world, and they were not shy in telling me that I was screwing my kids up by telling them these things. “They are just children,” “They are little girls,” “Babies don’t need to hear that”, or “I can’t believe you told her that” were constant refrains in my life. Nor did the girls make it any easier because they did something that few kids are willing to do to their parents – they asked me the hard questions, and the questions just kept getting harder as they grew older because they knew they could trust me to give them an honest answer.

I won’t lie. It wasn’t always easy and there were times that I had to fight not to flinch. Like the one night my daughter calmly asked, “Is anal sex what you do when you are on your period?” I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that I was the cool mom – and try not to choke on the fish we were having for dinner. (In the meantime, Ty has fallen out of his chair and had small seizure in the dining room floor.) Turns out that the cafeteria conversation among the thirteen year olds at school had revolved around this topic that I was blissfully oblivious to until I was twenty one and married.

So why did I do it? Even when it was one of the most difficult and unpopular things I have ever done in my life?

I never allowed myself to think of my children as “little girls”. They were young women who just happened to be little girls at that time. My job was never to keep them in that state or to hold them in some type of stasis. In fact, my job was the exact opposite of this. My job was to help them become women who could handle whatever the world had to offer them and help them not flinch when confronted by those realities that I could not protect them from indefinitely. Talking about these things at home, where it was safe, where they could consider different and opposing views without outside pressure or threats, where they could ask why this or that was contrary to our faith, or why it might be a danger physically or emotionally, gave them the room to determine their course of action before someone else could present a counter-argument that just made mom look like a naïve relic.

I, also, believe that this is a Scriptural approach to parenting. Stop and consider these verses:

Therefore impress these My words upon your very heart: bind them as a sign on your hand and let them serve as a symbol on your forehead, and teach them to your children – reciting them when you stay at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up; and inscribe them on the doorposts of your house and one your gates – to the end  that you and your children may endure, in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers to assign to them as long as there is a heaven over the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-21

What were these words? The Torah, otherwise known as the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures! The laws that God handed down to Moses on Siani, the ones that recorded the history of the Jewish people with all the sex and violence that anyone could want, the ones the described proper sexual expressions, how to deal with bodily fluids, rape, incest, homosexuality, witchcraft, death, burial, childbirth, and so much more! Teaching the Bible, really teaching it and not just doing a cute flannel graph presentation of it, means that we talk about the hard issues with our kids.

I know someone is reading this thinking, “But our lessons need to be age appropriate!” Really? Your ideas of age appropriate or God’s?

Jewish custom dictates that children should begin learning Torah as soon as they can speak, and by the age of 13 they are responsible for fulfilling all the laws contained in the Torah. Now, how can they fulfill what they do not know? And remember we are not talking about the Ten Commandments, we are talking about the entirety of Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy – not something you are going to cram into a six month crash course. This is why formal training in the Torah began at the age of five.

And we should consider the example of Jesus in Luke 2:41-52 when he was found at the Temple asking questions of the teachers and amazing them with his understanding and answers. What would the standard conversation have been between the teachers and boy of twelve? It would have been about the Torah, double checking to see if his parents had been faithful in their obligation as presented in Deuteronomy. Luke specifically tells us that Jesus was growing/filled in wisdom, both before and after this passage, and in rabbinic debate we find that to be wise was to be “wise in Torah.”

Now this is where I could get lost in a big long lesson about how each part of the Bible hinges on another and that cutting and pasting the pretty parts together while ignoring the messy bits leaves us with nothing but fluff that will not sustain our faith. I won’t, at least not here, but I could and so could anyone who took the time to really study the totality of its message.

Unfortunately, this is what we have done for our kids and we wonder why their faith crumbles the moment they leave home. The issues addressed in the Bible were meant to be taught in the safe and loving environment of the home. They were not to be ignored because they make parents uncomfortable. They weren’t to be skipped over in favor stories that we can give the Precious Moment treatment – no! We are to discuss it all, and when we do we will find that there is no modern issue of sex that is left unaddressed. All the answers and tools our children need to make wise decisions is right there, but if we are shielding our kids from it then we do them a disservice in offering a form of religion without the substance of wisdom.

Furthermore, we need to remember that these words were not given in a sexual vacuum. Quite the contrary, with temple prostitution, the small cramped houses, the agrarian lifestyles, sex was at the center of the ancient world. Daily families would have been confronted by the need to teach wisdom and truth their children concerning this issue. Thankfully, God gave them the means to do so in His Word, and notice what you don't find, you don't find any commands to deny reality or to hide the truth from your children. Instead we are told to discuss these things at every waking moment and teach them to guard their hearts, a command that I believe encompasses the need to guard their trust in our integrity and courage by speaking even the uncomfortable truths. (Proverbs 4:20-27, A passage written by a father to a son and is followed by blunt discussion over the dangers of adultery.)

This is why I don’t worry about the news stories or what TV shows. In our home, they were just an opportunity to dive deeper into what the Bible had to teach us about sex and sexuality. We turned what is tearing so many families apart into a springboard for what brought us closer together, and my children learned three significant lessons from this approach – 1. God is not ashamed or confused by sexual issues. 2. There are answers to be found in His Word. 3. They can always come to me with the hard questions and I won’t flinch because the God I serve doesn’t flinch.

Together we can seek out the answers and there is no shame in having the question or need to fear a world that does not share our faith.

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Should I Have Been Nice? - An Emily Rant

I am supposed to act like this.

The other day I got a phone call from someone who wanted to comment on my one of my posts. His words were sweet and encouraging, full of praise and support for “dealing with life’s harder issues.” You would think that this sort of thing would make me happy, but the truth is the longer he prattled on the more irritated I became. He explained to me why he never commented, liked or shared any of my writings. He didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about him or that he might be dealing with any of the issues I address in my posts, but he sure did want to bless and encourage me, just not publicly.

I think it was about the eighth time he said, “thank you for being brave enough to take on these issues” that my unruly mouth slipped its leash, and I heard myself say, “I’m glad one of is.” Needless to say, the conversation was soon over.

When I feel like this!

I know. I know. I was more than just a bit rude, and I shouldn’t have been. There were far more tactful ways to deal with what his words were stirring up inside of me. My problem is I usually only remember that after I have spouted off something less than kind. Believe me, I am working on it, but give me a little grace because it is a work in progress. And if I want to be real honest, I will admit that it probably always will be.

I have been thinking about the conversation a lot, wondering why it made me mad and wondering how I could have handled it better. So far this is what I have come up with:

I started dealing with “life’s harder issues” at time when my marriage was imploding. My ex-husband’s addiction to pornography had reached epic levels, leaving him unable to hold down a job as it interfered with his viewing schedule. I had ceased to exist as woman in his eyes and was considered to be just another obstacle between him and what he really desired. The verbal and emotional abuse was escalating to physical and sexual, and death fantasies became my favorite escape – his or mine, I didn’t care.

The great thing about reaching this level is other people’s opinions no longer matter. Societal constraints become nothing more than spider webs to be slapped aside.

So I started asking questions, contradicting statements, and generally being rude. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain amount of entertainment in people’s shock, but the truth is I wasn’t doing it for that. There were so many truths I need to know if I was ever to return to the land of the living as something other than a shell of a person, and even though I thought I was ready to check out of this world there has always been some part of me ready for a fight. And it soon became apparent that I was in the fight of my life.

The funny thing about questions is that if you want to know the answer there is a pretty good chance that half the people you know want to know the same thing, but just haven’t worked up the nerve to say the words out loud.  It didn’t take long before women started approaching me off to the side, with nervous glance to make sure that no one could overhear. They told me about how their husbands used porn, how there had been violence in their homes, how they had been given the same “stay married and pray” advice I had received, and how they felt like there was no one willing to talk about these things because it was all just too uncomfortable in the church setting.

However, it didn’t make everyone happy with me. I learned from a friend that when she started attending the church I was that she had been warned about me. I learned from another friend that it was thought I had drug problem, and I heard from a third that I caused my husband’s addiction to porn because I had emasculated him with my sharp mouth. Christians can be so sweet.

Every day now, I receive emails, text, and messages over social media from women and men who are facing the same issues I did. They have the same questions I asked and they are facing the same stony faced silence or that condescending “we will just pray for you, dear” attitude I got. I hear from people whose faith is being eroded by Christians who are misrepresenting God and how he responds to our problems. I talk to abuse victims who are terrified of the shame and stigma that comes with divorce. I talk to women who are experts at hiding bruises and men who are terrified of losing everything if the truth comes out so they never seek the help they need except through a stranger who happened to write a book.

Guys and gals, I do not have this covered! There is only one of me and so many of you! The conversations are icky and uncomfortable – you try talking to a 70+ year old man about his chronic masturbation problem, I know!  I have been there. You have try having a pastor contact you on how to deal with a woman in his church who has shown up multiple times with a black eye or swollen lip, or answer a 12 year old’s question about anal sex. I do it all the time, but not because I am an expert. The only thing I have going for me is the fact I lived through my hell and came out the other side scrapping for answers.

I get frustrated and angry that we have become so ashamed of this gift of sexuality that God has given us. My blood pressure boils when I hear some pat and cliché answer proffered to someone who is real need, and I get so tired of being shushed by those who are embarrassed to speak truth into other’s lives. God never did that to anyone! He was bold and truthful. Jesus didn’t look at the lepers or the man at the pool, pat their heads and say, “I’ll pray for you.” He acted and he acted in truth and love – and love without truth is no better than a dollar sympathy card.

Pawning off our responsibility to follow in Jesus’ example is crock and a coward’s way out of what we have been called to be. Expecting someone else to deal with the harder issues of life so we can avoid them is laziness, and the next time you feel tempted to avoid a few words that make you uncomfortable, I hope you remember the cross and humiliation washes over you until you choke.

Could I be a little nicer? Should I have been a little nicer to the man on the phone? Maybe, but maybe too many of us are worshipping “nice” when we should have been worshipping God.

A Defense For Scandalous Conversations - Ruth

Ever wonder how dirty were those feet?

Of all the things that Christians like, apart from Veggie Tales and pastel home décor, our absolute favorite thing in the world is a clear cut good guy – or gal, as is the case for the story of Ruth. We like simple and uncomplicated Biblical figures that we can point to as models morality and piousness, and ones without any messy parts to dodge in our flannel graph presentations of the Bible. For years, Ruth has filled the bill. Her story is sweet, simple and without all the blood, sex, and violence found in so many other passages of the Old Testament. This uncomplicated tale of humility, loyalty, and hard work has made her the ideal heroine for our daughters to learn how to be the proper Christian woman – or is it?

Too often it seems the first step in making the Bible proper enough to be shared in church is to edit out all the humanity. We don’t really want men and woman of flesh and blood. What we want are spiritual giants who manage to rise above the demands and pitfalls of mere humanity. It is easier that way and has the added bonus of not raising too many uncomfortable questions or possibly causing someone to see those all too human moments recorded in the Bible as appropriate. Most certainly we have done this with the men of the Bible, brushing by David’s murder of Uriah, glossing over Samson’s love of prostitutes, Noah’s affinity for wine, and Job’s tendencies to whine, but even bigger victims of this need for perfection are the women of the Bible. There are many, but today, let’s just consider Ruth.

To say that Ruth is a deep text with layers of subtext is an understatement, the foreshadowing of Jesus, humanity's need for a kinsmen redeemer, the famine in the House of Bread (Bethlehem), and arrival of a child whose descendants will sit upon the throne of Israel! We could get lost in this book for weeks and still have barely scratched the surface, but I am going to skip all that and jump to chapter 3. As always, grab your Bible and check me.

In chapter two, we have already been introduced to a very bold side of Ruth – oh, you missed that? Blame the flannel graphs. Ruth is gleaning, but she isn’t just following after the paid workers, she is up among the sheaves, a place she had no business being as she was essentially a beggar. This little fact was included for a reason, we needed to know that Ruth is no shrinking violet. She knows what she wants and she not afraid to ask for it, and that is going to be important in chapter three.

Definitely not a flower for Ruth

(I am tempted to break off this point and discuss how we have completely ignored how bold Ruth is so that we can glean a lesson of humility that would teach our girls their proper places in the Christian community and how easily we manipulate the Scriptures to support our personal agendas, but I am trying to stay on point.)

Now, Naomi is not a patient woman nor is she the type of gal who leaves things to fate, or God for that matter, and she decides that while Boaz’s favor towards Ruth is all fine and dandy, it needs a nudge in the right direction. And she knows what it takes to get a man’s attention – smell good, look nice, wait until his belly is full, and put yourself in place where he can’t ignore you…and if he happens to be a little drunk, so much the better. (Which he was, verse seven, “and his heart was merry.”)

Ruth did exactly what Naomi told her to do, and I don’t think we recognize just how scandalous all of this was. First off, we have an attractive woman going to meet a rich man alone, at night, after he’s been drinking, and she is going to uncover his feet………his feet, hmm.

Boys and girls, pause for a moment and try to consider this scene, not as one in a sacred text, but simply as a story of a man and woman. Don’t try to make them holy, spiritual giants, just let them be people for a moment. Don’t try to be too spiritual yourself, just be a human being for second and consider just the facts that have been presented.

Having a hard time with that? Consider these passages: Isaiah 7:20, does your Bible say “hair of the feet”? Is this man a hobbit or could it be referring to some other bodily hair? Ezekiel 16:20, that little phrase “offering yourself” literally reads in Hebrew as “spreading your feet.” II Samuel 11:8, says “wash your feet” but in verse 11, Uriah lets us know that he knew exactly what David meant. And while clean feet is a good start, Uriah seems to have no difficulty grasping that a little more attention to personal hygiene was being suggested. Exodus 4:25, ever wonder what circumcision has to do with Moses’ feet?

I could go on, but I think you are beginning to catch my drift. If you aren’t, go to your nearest teenager and ask them to explain it to you. They won’t miss it.

Boaz wakes up, startled by Ruth’s presence, and Ruth takes it to whole new level. She makes a gutsy move that would make any good Christian woman blush, “Spread your robe over your servant, for you are my redeemer.”

Now, we have softened this and made it pretty. Ruth is asking for his protection, right? Maybe not, there is reason to think she is asking for little more. Turn with me now to Ezekiel 16:6-14, pay special attention to verse 8. Is there any doubt that this is a description of a sexual encounter? The words are almost identical and there is no reason to believe that they mean something different in Ruth than they do here. Ruth was asking for protection, but was also making it plain that she wanted him to see her as more than hardworking field hand. She wanted him to see her as desirable woman.

And evidently he did, because after he get done praising God for her advances and explaining the legalities of their situation, he tells her to stay the night (verse 13).

The chapter ends with wily Naomi resting confidently in her knowledge of men. She had deliberately sent Ruth to arouse Boaz from his slumber, both literally and figuratively, knowing the power of a beautiful woman to inspire a man to action.

Now, I would be remiss if I did not note that there is strong resistance to this reading of Ruth. Many people flat out reject it as implausible, that godly men and women would never do anything sexually inappropriate, but a quick perusal of the Old Testament shows a number of holes in that argument. Others claim that only the perverse would see such a thing in the text as it is not specifically stated that Ruth and Boaz had sex.

And maybe, they didn’t. We may never know for certain, and that is not what is important. What is important is the fact that we cannot deny the sexual tension both in action and speech. Whether or not they had sex is beside the point, because there is no way to explain away the fact that that Ruth’s deeds were inappropriate and could have ended with her being labeled a harlot. Boaz could have publicly renounced her, a foreigner of a scorned country, who had dared to be lewd – where would that have left her? It was a risk and a big one.

What I love about considering this passage with its sexuality intact is what it teaches us about Ruth, as a woman and how she inhabits her sexuality. She is not afraid of her body and she is not afraid to take a risk to claim all the promises of protection that offered to her in this covenant land. Should she have done it? Probably not, God was more than capable of getting a message to Boaz, but the Bible isn’t big on recording what should have happened and offers stories of what did happen.

And what a message of hope here for women who have made mistakes with their sexuality, who have abused it for advancement and gain. All it takes to return to community is a Redeemer, and we aren’t having to wait for a man to complete all the legal steps, we have him - in the person of Jesus, we have him! He is ours, all we have to do is ask that he spread his robe over us and he will do it. No hesitation, no reluctance, or fear to do so because he has done it so many times past and he wants to do it again so that we have a chance to participate in his plan of salvation to the world, just like Ruth, but we miss this message when we deny the people of the Bible their humanity, their sexuality, and even their mistakes.

So let's start sharing their stories with all the elements intact. Let's stop trying to edit God's words as if we knew better than  what should and should not be communicated to the world. He gave us a great gift with his honesty, and we should be sharing it with the honor and integrity it deserves. 

Where Does It Say That? - I Answer A Reader's Question About Sex

This is an excerpt from a recent message I received. I am answering it publicly, but I am NOT naming who asked the question. I have chosen to do so because I think that it is a question that more than one person has, and I would like to share why I hold the belief I do about abstinence. The opening quote was taken from a comment I made in response to a question presented to me in my comments.

"'The Bible says sex is reserved for marriage' -- Where, precisely, does it say that? The Christian community has said that for many, many years. I have yet to find any verse in the Bible, read IN CONTEXT of the society in which the writers lived, which says anything of the sort."

I struggled with this question for several years as divorced woman. I was even told by certain people in positions of authority that I had every right to indulge my sexual appetites since I was “no longer a virgin”. However, I did what I think every Christian should do, and I did not accept any man’s word without confirming or disproving it within the pages of Scripture.

For me the answer is most clearly spelled out in 1 Corinthians 7:1-8. In verses one and two Paul says, “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” Paul makes it clear that way to combat the temptation to sexual immorality is through marriage, but that begs the question what is sexual immorality?

The question is answered in two different passages. The first is Acts 15:28-29 which is the summation of the Jerusalem Council that delineates the obligations of the Gentile Christian from the Jewish born Christian. Keep in mind that this was a group of Jewish men, at least one of which was trained in Jewish law by a leading Rabbi, whose references would have reflected their Jewish training and understanding of these terms. The second passage is 2 Timothy 3:16,17, where Paul says that “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that every man of God may be competent and equipped for every good work.”

Please note that the New Testament as we know it was not yet considered to be Scripture – so Paul could not be referring to any of the books authored after the life of Jesus. He was referring to the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament), the books of reference for the Jerusalem Council. Since everyone was referring back to the Hebrew for their definitions that is where we must go to find out what sexual immorality means. Now I do not wish to bore you, so I am not going to type out all the sexual laws contained within the Torah (Genesis-Deuteronomy). Instead, I am just going to give you a few references that you can look up if you are interested: Deuteronomy 22:13-30 which demonstrates the importance of a woman’s virginity before marriage and fidelity after, Genesis 38 which demonstrates that even a widow was expected to abstain until remarried, and Leviticus 18 which clearly states that the attitudes of believers towards sex should not be in keeping with the cultural norms of other cultures or prevalent societal views.

Finally allow me to add, while I do believe that these passages provide us with the standards that we should strive to maintain the Bible was not written by a God who was unaware or unfeeling towards our struggles. He knows that we all fall short, we screw it up (sometimes literally), but He extends the gifts of mercy and grace. He never called us to perfection apart from Him, and He never denies a second chance for those seeking to move deeper in relationship with Him. The quest to tame my sex drive was a driving force in teaching me how to rely on Him and in deepening my relationship with Him. In the end, I value the fight for what it taught me, and I do not regret anything momentary pleasure I may have missed in seeking His ways before my own.

A Biblical Defense for Scandalous Conversations - Genesis 3

When I wrote Scandalous, I knew I was taking on a taboo topic. I was fully prepared to meet with some resistance. What I did not expect was the full on assault that came from a few strangers, friends, and family who felt that I crossed a line that no Christian should. I was told that I was going to hell by a family member, a stranger showed up at my door to announce that I had been possessed by a demon, and friends labeled the book vulgar and crude with polite suggestions that I remove it from sales.

Being the sort of person I am, I found it rather amusing the majority of negative complaints I received came from those who either had not read the book or had only read portions of the book. However, their words did make me aware of a crucial need within the Christian community, and that is to reclaim a Biblical basis for speaking on the topic of sex.

To build a full case would require the writing of another book, and maybe one day, but for now I will offer the first and what I now consider to be the most important pieces of evidence for considering sex as a valid and vital centerpiece for Christian conversations.

We begin in Genesis 3, but first I would encourage you pause here and reread the opening chapters of this book. Really make an effort to place yourself in the story. See the lights blazing to life as God speaks the word, witness the trees erupting from the ground as he calls them into being, consider a silent world without the song of birds or the hum of insects and then feel the weight of their presence as they fill that void, and then hold your breath as the fingers of God reach out to sculpt the clay that will become Adam. Do you see his thumbs hollow out the sockets that will hold that carefully engineered bit of mastery we call the eye? Can you see how his fingertips trace the path of the blood vessels and separate the muscles, tendon, and skin? Does your mind stop there or can you see him crafting those organs that will allow Adam to pass on this precious gift of life? For many that is a thought too far, but it is what the Bible tells us God did as he created man, and then again in his creation of woman as fit together each elegant part of our anatomy.

And now, let us focus on one verse in particular: Genesis 3:16.

Adam and Eve had eaten the fruit. The purity of creation had been defiled and now they stand before God to the learn consequences of their action. God curses the serpent, and yet in the midst of the curse, he offers the hope of restoration for humanity. His addresses not just the physical aspects of this beings conditions, but looks deeper to reveal the spiritual conflict that will now encompass the realm of humanity.

Then he turns his focus to Eve, saying:

                “I will multiply your pain in childbearing;               

                in pain you will bring forth children.

                Your desire shall be for your husband

                and he shall rule over you.”

Look closely at the elements of what God is saying: childbearing, bringing forth children, desire, husband, and the husband’s rule over his wife. Now what is the unifying theme of these elements? If you guessed sex, congratulations.  God is not just talking to Eve, he is having THE TALK with Eve. He is explaining how her body is going to change, it is not going to be like before, and she needs to be prepared for this stage in her life. Sound familiar?

And God isn’t giving her pack of tampons and telling her to deal with it. He addressing both the physical changes and the emotional changes. She is going to have a sex drive, a desire for her husband, and he is going to rule over her because of it. We have softened this verse to simply mean that the husband is the God-appointed head of the household, but is that really all that he is saying here? I do not think so. I think he is addressing an issue that every woman must deal with and that is we desire the men in our lives, we live our lives in orbit around them. Be it in how we dress (or don’t dress), what we say, what cook for dinner, and if we shave our legs – it is all to demonstrate our desire for intimacy that is primarily fueled and expressed through our sexuality.

It would be tempting to designate the expression of our desire as negative as it is given after the fall, but there is no condemnation in God’s words. He is simply explaining the new situation. Before the fall, intimacy was easy. The barriers that we now consider normal for the human condition did not exist, either between God and his creation or between Adam and his wife. This separation and the longing it would create is a totally new condition for Eve and she must learn how to cope. God is gracious and kind as he teaches her of this new reality as he knows that to leave her ignorant would be an act of cruelty.

When we consider the conversation from this perspective we are confronted with two questions: 1.) If God was kind enough to prepare Eve for the realities of her sexuality, how can we consider such conversations as taboo? 2.) Are we failing to be kind when we fail to discuss the realities of sex as set forth in God’s word? I would argue that we are.

*To learn more about why I believe these conversations are important, find my book on Amazon using the link at the top of this page. 

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