Who Were The Nephilim? Part 1 Or: The Post I Did Not Want To Write

I do not want to write this post. I have literally been putting it off for years. Don’t get me wrong, my excuses were top notch: I needed to do more research, I didn’t want to disseminate false or inaccurate information, it’s a peripheral issue within the Bible, and I certainly didn’t want to be lumped with all the crazies out there who are going nuts over this. Yet, even as I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t a deadline on this, that I could wait to write about it until I felt more comfortable, I kept being bombarded with questions about this issue. Online, in the grocery store, sitting around the campfire, random phone calls, and at a friend’s wedding – someone every single week, and sometimes daily, asks me the same question: Who were the Nephilim?

Grab your Bibles, kids, and follow along. We start our journey in Genesis 6: 1-4:

When man began to multiply on the face of the land and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters were attractive. And they took as wives any they chose. Then the LORD said, “My Spirit shall not abide in man forever, for he is flesh and his days shall be 120 years.” The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of man and they bore children to them. These were the mighty men of old, the men of renown.

Now if you pulled out your Bibles, which I hope you did, and you let your eyes wonder down to the sections heading you will know that these verse precede the Flood narrative. This is going to be a rather important bit of information, for now just file it away until we need it.

So let’s begin with the obvious questions first, and the one that must first be addressed before we can get into the Nephilim – who in the world are the “sons of God”?

The first rule of Biblical study is “Scripture interprets Scripture.” This means any time we run up against a word or phrase whose meaning is unclear, we find that word or phrase elsewhere in the Bible to see how it is used there. By doing this we keep our interpretations consistent, and it helps us approach the Bible with integrity while not allowing us to explain away uncomfortable truths.

Thus we begin by doing a search of the Scripture, where else do we find the term “Sons of God” and how is it used? We will begin by looking at how this phrase is used in the Hebrew Scripture. Later, we will consider it’s use in the New Testament.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them. Job 1:6. (Job 2:1 says almost exactly the same thing.)

When the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? Job 38:7

Ascribe to the LORD, O sons of God, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength. Psalms 29:1 

Who among the sons of God is like the LORD? Psalms 89:7 

I said, “You are gods, sons of the Most High, all of you; nevertheless, like men you shall die, and fall like any prince.” Psalms 82:6 (This verse does not contain the exact Hebrew phrase for “sons of God”, but I believe that intent conveyed is the same.)

But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt, and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods. Daniel 3:25

Now, I have only provided snippets, but I suggest that you go back and read the entire passages I have cited here. Ask yourself a few questions: Who presented themselves before God in Job? Who was present when God laid the foundations of the earth? What beings are also described as “morning stars” in Scripture? In your Bible, what differences do you see in the translations, does it say “sons of God” or “Heavenly beings”? Who was the fourth man in the fiery furnace? Was it just another man? Why would he be likened to a son of the gods?

I would be remiss not to note that there is some resistance to accepting this phrase as universal reference to supernatural beings. God refers to Israel as his son (we will address this point when we get to the section over the New Testament uses of sons of God), and some believe that this title can also refer to the judges of Israel, men not necessarily anything greater. However, I believe that in doing so the plain reading of the text is rejected in favor of explanations that are easier for us to accept. Furthermore, the entire Bible is a history of supernatural events, so why should we resist this one point as too far out there while accepting things like the plagues of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, Daniel’s deliverance from the lion, a fish who found Jonah nauseating, or above all, the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Aren’t they all just a little crazy if you really stop and think about it?

Proponents of the idea that the sons of God were simply men are adherents to what is known as the Sethite theory. In other words, they believe that the sons of God were descendants of Seth and the daughters of men were the descendants of Cain. This leads to some interesting questions that must be answered if anyone is to approach this passage with intellectual integrity. Why was it wrong for the sons of God to marry the daughters of men? There has been no Biblical prohibition against intermarriage at this point, and there will not be any for some time yet. Why did these union produce such noteworthy offspring? What is the biological and spiritual reasoning for such an event? Was there such a marked difference between the daughters of Seth and Cain? Was Cain inherently evil? Go back to Genesis 4:17-22, the names are interesting study in a person’s attitude towards God. (I discuss this in Leah's Romance.) I am not going to do an in-depth analysis of each name, but note how many end in “el” which is a direct reference to God.

As you can tell, this not a simply question to answer. Oh, sure, I could give you my thoughts, but I want you see more than just my opinion. I want you to be able to see the Biblical reasons I hold this view. We are going to be camping out here for a while, because as I have studied this, I have come to believe it is far more than a peripheral issue and has a significant bearing on how we read the Bible, how we view God, how we view the existence of good and evil, and even our own reality.

Be sure to post your questions in the comments. I will try to address each one in turn. Having them here, instead of scattered across the internet will help me not to miss any of them. I also welcome opposing views. I am more than willing to entertain the idea I might be wrong. Blessings, everyone.

For the next post in this series, click here: Who Were The Nephilim? Part 2

Of Prophets - We will worry about the kings later

Last night, I did something new. I watched the new television series “Of Kings and Prophets” while following the buzz on Twitter. It was interesting to see people’s reactions in real time as they protested the Biblical inaccuracies, the artistic license to spice up the story line, but most of all, I was intrigued by the reactions to Samuel. To be sure the rather enigmatic and ever so slightly spooky prophet who rips the arms off of hired assassins is not completely in line with the perceptions that most modern audience have of prophets. We like to think of them as leaders, and our ideas of leaders tend to be ones of men and women who exemplify the best, the most noble, and desirable of our society.

However, our ideas about prophets and the reality as presented within the Bible do not always line up. The prophet of the Bible was not a pretty character. He was bold, raw, and often offensive. His language was not soft or genteel, but rather what most of us would consider straight up vulgar. He lived on the outskirts of society. Yes, he was often present in the courts of kings, but not as one of the fawning masses. Instead, he stood apart as someone to be feared, and sometimes that fear was not out of respect. Many times that fear was based in disdain and expressed in ridicule. These men had the power to depose kings, elevate the poorest to position of authority, and generally upend the status quo at any given moment. They dangerous not only to those in leadership but to all who desired to that standards and mores of their culture be maintained by propriety and proper observance of established convention. Thus his presence was not always welcome or celebrated.

Of all the descriptions written of the Biblical prophet, Abraham Joshua Heschel’s is by far my favorite:

“A strange, one sided, unbearable extremist…His words are shocking and often offensive to the more genteel of society. Dignity is cast aside in favor of emotion and he does not flinch from offending his audience…He lacks refinement and the passion with which he reveals God’s message seems wildly out of control to the masses but to the one inspired the means barely capture the intensity of passion.” From his book The Prophets.

 J. Lindblom describes being a prophet as a “condition”, and he supports this view by noting the taunting note in 1 Samuel 10:11:

“Is Saul among the prophets?”

Lindblom explains that question demonstrates that role and office of prophet was considered to be beneath one from a good family. No one of status would desire to become of these wild eyed individuals whose inexplicable behavior did not conform to society’s expectations. This was not position of honor as the cost was too great, causing those chosen to walk in this role to move away from societal standards and moved deeper into the truth revealed to them by God.

The level of conflict in their lives was epic. Jeremiah describes himself as “a man of strife and contention to the whole land.” (Jeremiah 15:10). Not only did he confront the king, he stood in direct conflict with the false prophets of his day – the prophets whom the people affirmed for the smooth words and happy predictions for the future of their land. He denounced the religious elite and the condemned the masses for offering God only empty forms of worship without engaging him with their hearts. His message was warning that not only would Israel as nation be subjugated to foreign powers for their disobedience, but that the symbols and means through they worshipped God would be stripped away because institutionalized observances of faith were a lie that God would no longer tolerate.

And Jeremiah was not the only one who quite literally danced with death almost every time God commanded him to speak. Nathan calls David out for committing adultery and murder, Samuel condemns Saul and declares that he will lose his throne, Moses demands that Pharaoh release his labor force, and Jesus damns the religious elites for their hypocrisy. How else would you classify such people, other than mad?

Nor were the extreme elements of their nature limited to their prophet announcements. Isaiah was commanded to preach naked for three years, Hosea was told to marry a prostitute, Ezekiel shaved his head with sword and then did various symbolic acts with the hair, and John the Baptist ate locusts and honey exemplifying the voice of one from a wilderness. It is to read these accounts and accept them as part of the Biblical narrative to which we have become accustom, but if we stop and think of what it would be like to witness these events, to actually be in the presence of the prophets as they fulfilled God’s command to live out their message, would we still be able to blithely accept them as part of God’s plan?

I do not think so. In fact, I think most of us would be even more shocked and offended than their original audiences. I think we would see their bizarre behavior as vindication of our right to deny them the authority and wisdom that God bestowed upon them. There God had command protection for those he placed in this office. God knew that everything in us would resist paying heed to one so far removed from societal and cultural norms, and we should not make the mistake of believing that the Biblical prophets were normal for their day and the only reason they seem so strange to us is due to the years that stand between us.

Nor should we be shocked that one who walks so closely with a Holy God who defies our definitions and boundaries would also be radically different than his contemporaries. For how does encounter a God whose ways are not our ways and thoughts are not our thoughts without being radically changed? We often forget that the prophet was not simply a telephone, or some other mechanical devise, to be used as tool. The prophet was flesh and blood, sensitive and response to their environment, and when environment has been infused by the very presence of God – you are never going to be normal again.

So maybe it is time we acknowledge a difficult and distasteful truth, prophets were not meant to be normal. They don’t often popularity contests, and they don’t usually don’t experience what this world defines as success except perhaps through the lens of history. They set people on edge with messages divinely designed and ordained to upset the status quo. The comfort they offer only follows obedience and repentance. They are hard individuals demanding hard things from their audience, rejecting pretty lies in favor of ugly truth so that we may find the beauty in a God who redeems. For how else could they find the strength and courage to live a life so far removed from the expected, unless they had fallen so deeply in love with the Lord that all of their being was at odds with a fallen creation? What else could cause them to give up their lives, their hopes for a future, except for a God inspired desire to see their Creator design manifest in the lives of a people they learned to love as he loved them?

And maybe, just maybe, it is time we held the self-appointed prophets of this day to the Biblical standard. Truth before comfort, radical boldness before conformity, and terrifying obedience before self-indulgent justification. For the prophets who spoke peace and prosperity were exposed as frauds as their soothing words did nothing to move the people closer to the God they claimed to serve and plunged them deeper into forms of religion without heart, conscience, or moral obligation to God or their community. Maybe it is time we stopped buying the hype, stopped worshipping at the alter of nice or proper, and recognize that God’s message to the world is greater than anything we hold dear including our dignity and worthless prestige.

Cake, Field Surgeons, and Prophecy

I had to give a prophetic word last night. It wasn’t fun, and it wasn’t glamorous. In fact, it was rather painful, and I felt rather sick the whole time I was speaking.

In our Christian culture, the gift of prophecy is highly coveted. It’s like the icing on the Christian cake for most people. After all, who wouldn’t want the prestige that comes with being the person in the know?

The answer is the person who is really in the know. The one who sees past the facades and understands the prophecy isn’t about giving people the warm fuzzies, making empty promises of health, wealth, and prosperity, or even the promise that all things work together for good in your life, so hang in there. Now, I know that somewhere along the way you were told that the gift of prophecy was given for encouragement and exhortation, that negative or judgmental words have no place in a New Testament church, and if it isn’t building you up then the prophetic word given is invalid.

The thing is, I read all through my Bible, and I can’t find that anywhere. And if I take Paul’s word about all Scripture being profitable for teaching, reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16), and keep in mind that Paul had to be speaking of the Hebrew Scriptures because the Christian Bible did not yet exist, I am faced with the very real responsibility to measure the prophetic in accordance to the examples within what we call the Old Testament. I am also forced to take Paul’s own words into account – teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness. Not uplifting, not positive, not motivational, and certainly nothing about warm fuzzies.

Is this carte blanche permission for people who operate in the prophetic be jerks? Of course not, but you have to admit that the majority of the prophetic words recorded – even the prophetic words of Jesus - aren’t all sunshine and glitter. They were designed to confront sin, and they were designed to jar us from our complacency and passive justification of sinful actions in our own lives. Is there hope and promise to be found within prophetic words? Yes, but only after repentance, only after obedience, and only after we bow our hearts to the Lordship and authority of our God.

And what happens when you confront sin in someone’s life? They go stupid on you. Well, most of the time anyways. They deny that you have a right to speak, they condemn you for judging, and they hate you for your lack of compassion. At this point, all sorts of wonderful and amazing things can transpire for the one operating in a prophetic role, they can lose friends, they can family, they can be physically or verbally attacked by the ones they love, and they can be ostracized from the community that once valued their presence. Don’t believe me, look it up. Read the story of Joseph whose brothers sold him to slavery because he dared speak the prophetic vision God gave him. Read the accounts of Jeremiah who feared for his life and was left to rot in a cistern. Read about Elijah who hid in fear from the rage of queen.

None of this happened because they were promising warm fuzzies and financial success to the ones that God commanded them to go to. It happened because they dared to speak an uncomfortable truth. Truth that struck at the core of the listeners’ sense of self and security. Truth that would no longer allow the listener to walk in ignorance and forced them to move forward either in brokenness for their sin or in willful rebellion against God. No one wants to face that, I don’t even like facing that, and I hold no illusion about how painful it is to have to stand before another stripped bare of your own hypocrisy. It hurts, and it is humiliating in the beginning. I know, I’ve been on the receiving end more than once and every bit of selfish pride rose up in protest at being called out on my own sin.

What is hard for us to understand is that when someone is operating in an authentic gifting of the prophetic, there is no sense of superiority in it. There is only brokenness and pain on behalf the one to whom we speak. We are moved forward not because we wish to wound. We do so because we feel the outright misery of the broken relationship they have with Father, and everything within us yearns for their restoration. We move with compassion that must sometimes be brutal in order to be heard and so that message is not watered down or compromised. In my mind, it something akin to being a field surgeon, knowing that the procedure needed to save the patient inflicts more pain than the original wound, but must be done if they are to survive. So you close your ears to the screams and you pack that bloody wound with truth until the flow is staunched. Because mercy that brings death to another, physically or spiritually, is not mercy to anyone but yourself.  

For me that is the hardest part, knowing that my words will hurt and knowing that once the truth has been revealed I have relinquished all perceived and delusional ideas of control in the situation. From there it is up to the one to whom I sent to respond, to reject or to receive, to act or to deny. For me that is often the darkest time, because I know that they are now responsible for a truth that can no longer be rejected out of ignorance. I have to fight my tendency to worry that my words were too harsh or too heavy, and it is why I often hesitate when I should have been quick to obedience. And why I can point to list of moments when I was the broken one or they were further injured because I allowed fear of consequence for myself and others to keep me silent.

No, operating in the prophetic is not sweet or pretty. It never was, and I don’t believe it ever will be. Certainly, there are moments when you are allowed to participate in breakthrough and revelation that will change a person’s life, but those are rare and easily forgotten. For one who truly walks in the prophetic perceives the effects of sin as few others do, and their hearts break for the world around them. Yes, we hear from God but when you have been confronted by the light of holiness, the darkness that surrounds us only deepens. And when you have tasted the perfection of his presence, the brokenness of the world is only more tragic.

Running From Demons, or The Fine of Art of Hurting Yourself

I have spent a large portion of my life running, mostly from and occasionally to this thing I could not or did not want to define. I have always been afraid that if I truly embraced all that I know to be true I would only alienate those around me, after all when you spend your childhood knowing things that you should not know, being chastised for having an over active imagination, and doing your best just to fit in, you learn that there are parts of who you are that frighten the adults – you know, the rational folks who rule your world. Things didn’t get better when I supposedly joined the ranks of adults even though I was doing my best to follow the rules of proper behavior and belief.

I got married my final year of junior college, mostly because if you are good Christian girl in Oklahoma that’s what you do. He looked good on paper, ticked off all the little boxes on my checklist of things I wanted in husband that youth directors encourage us to make so that we can be objective in our decisions on who we are to marry. What I wasn’t prepared for was the battlefield being married to him would become, and I am not talking about our epic fights that often left me with bruises or the screaming matches that ended with threats to end one or both our lives, I am talking about the sheer presence of evil in our home.

For most people, evil is an abstract concept. It is something that you define and then you simply do not do that particular thing. It is something that exists but only as a principle or violation of principle, but for me it was real. And this is where I will lose a large part of you who will be convinced that I have lost my ever-lovin mind. When I say evil is real, I am talking about every stupid ploy used on horror movies multiplied by nine and then subdued by the lack of a soundtrack. Pots and pans flying about in your kitchen? Yup. Windows opening and closing on their own? Yup. Footsteps up and down the hallway? Been there done that. How about the radio, TV, and other electronics turning on and off, flipping stations, and emitting garbled noises when they aren’t even plugged in? Seen it. Fireplaces billowing with smoke when they haven’t held a fire in decades? Sure, it happened. The darks shadowy voids would prance about the edges of the room, like a person who moves just out of the corner of your eye, daring you to look at them. That was an everyday event.

My favorite? When they wake you up from a dead sleep to tell you something. My least favorite? When they contort the face of someone you love until they are no longer recognizable, and the spit curses at you in a voice that you have never heard before.

Even in the midst of all this, I was told I was the one losing my mind. I was told that my particular denomination did not have to deal with demons because we didn’t pay them any attention. You know that sounds all well and good, but I have to tell you, it is awful hard not to pay attention to them when they keep jerking the covers off your bed.

Over the years, I have developed a few theories. How right or wrong they are I am still willing to question, but overall they have held up. The first is that any demon that is desperate enough to use direct manifestation as its way to control a person isn’t much of a demon. In fact, I look at them in much the same way I look at mice. Now, ask yourself, how many people have you known who have been hurt by a killer attack mouse? Yeah, me neither. On the other hand, I have met a ton of people who have hurt themselves trying to get away from those fearsome beasts, and that is how most folks seem to get themselves hurt by demons – running away from them.

This is not to say that you don’t do anything. That is stupid. After all, if there is a mouse in your house you set traps, buy poison, call an exterminator because we all know that with mice there is filth and disease, and they will ruin everything they can by chewing it up or defecating on it. It is the same thing with demons, you get them out of your house before they destroy it.

Now most of us have been taught how to pray and how to stand on our authority as believers. We have the right to demand that they leave by the authority given to us in the name of Jesus. The Bible declares this, and quite frankly, most of us haven’t been using it. And I hear from so many who did that things just got worse, so they end up just hoping they will go away – hahahahahaha!!!

Not a chance. These things hide in walls, under furniture, and in your underwear drawer. Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they are not there. You have to take a step further.

All of nature abhors a vacuum, and before we started defining nature as this physical realm, nature was strictly spiritual. So it abides by many of same principles. I would go so far as to say that most of things you see in nature are reflection of how the spiritual realm works. This means that you have to fill the void left by their departure or they will just grab seven of their buddies and come back. This is where most people get stumped because they have never learned how to fill that void.

The good news is like all things of our faith, enacting the solution is easy – so easy that you might miss it. You fill that void with God. And where is God enthroned? On the praise of his people. You have to invite him, create a throne in your home, in your heart, and in your life. Too many of us are claiming to be his subjects but have never bothered to create a place in our lives from which he can rule. It is not enough to do lip service and never put this knowledge in action because when we fail to do so we are leaving a giant void in our lives just crying out to be filled and since demons, unlike God, don’t wait for invitation, guess who is going to rush right in?

This is by no means a comprehensive battle plan. It is just a taste of some of things I am learning not to run away from in my life, and I doing a lesson review for myself as much as for you. To learn more, I strongly recommend Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson and I also recommend that you surround yourself with people who seeking God more than they are worried about what is slipping around in the darkness. Because there is an inherent risk when we focus on these thing too long and too closely, we can become mesmerized by their power and the mystery of it all. We can be overwhelmed by the sheer force of evil that we now realizes surrounds us and become fearful and defeated. But God wants us to know that he is bigger, greater, more powerful, and more awe inspiring than any of the petty displays the demonic enacts on this earth. He wants our hearts to comforted and emboldened to not only seek him but to demonstrate the world the glory of his love in our lives, and we cannot do that if we have been seduced or terrified by beings who have already been defeated at the cross.

So we learn to walk with knowledge and discernment. We seek our Lord so that we may know truth. We strive for balance, somewhere between ignorance and obsession, so that we are properly equipped to face our enemy while never being distracted from our King.

Let There Be Light

Picture from  Phys.org
The first ever photograph of light as both a particle and wave

As an artist, light has always been a fascinating subject. Light is the cornerstone of visual arts. Whether working in pen and ink or oils, I am trying to capture the interaction of light upon an object. In other words, I am not painting an object. I am actually painting the play of light upon the object by capturing highlights and shadows with my pen or brush. 

We all know that without light sight as we know it is impossible, but rarely do we think about how much we rely on light for our very existence. As one simplified example put it: Plants convert light into stored energy. When we eat plants we are in fact eating light. When we eat meat, we are eating the light they have metabolized through the eating of the plants that stored light. Without light all life would cease to exist, including our own. It is in the creation of light that the earth, formerly void and empty (Genesis 1:2), becomes capable of sustaining life. 

Despite the importance of light for our existence, the precise nature of light has long been a topic of much debate, centering on one question – is light made up of waves or particles? The correct answer is yes, sorta. Light is an electromagnetic wave that sometimes decides to act as a particle. Now, this is where things get tricky because when we think of particles we tend to think of mass, or matter. Basically something that takes up space in this universe and has substance. The typical definition of mass does not apply to light. Light has what is called relativistic mass which means that it has energy and momentum that allow it be effected by and to effect its environment. In other words, while you may feel the warmth of sunlight on your skin, you will never have to shovel piles of sunlight off your sidewalk because it has no resting mass. While all of this was pretty much nailed down by Einstein and his cohorts, until very recently science has only been able to observe light behaving as either a wave or a particle, but never both at the same time.

I know, you are all beginning to wonder if you stumbled onto the wrong blog, but bear with me, I am going somewhere. 

Light came into being because God said, “Let there be light.” There are two words to pay attention to here: said and light. When someone speaks they are creating sound waves, and waves transfer energy. They do not move matter, but rather they use matter as a conduit to for their energy. Now, I want you to think about God for a moment, you know the omnipotent creator God? What type of energy do you think he was transferring through his sound waves? Once your brain stops sizzling, keep reading. 

Before we go any further, let’s reframe this: God’s voice took on new properties. In the act of creation, the sound wave takes on new properties. It became more than a wave and more than particle, while remaining true to the behavioral characteristics of both. A new manifestation for the wave is given, but the original state as a wave is never surrendered. 

Let’s skip ahead about one and half millennia, and listen another fascinating statement:

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

There is a reason that Jesus chose light as way to explain himself to the world. In him we can see all the observable elements of light in play. His life, death, and resurrection is the transformative act of creation, we call it redemption, but how much more transformative do you want? (And I am working on a theme here.) He rules over all creation just as God created the sun, moon, and stars to rule over day and night, (Ephesians 1:20, Genesis 1:14-19). He is the first born of creation, all things were created for him, through him, and by him in his sustaining power, (Colossians 1:15, 16). 

In him we see the story of light, and in light we see his story as no other created substance could convey, but what the writer of Genesis could not know, what Jesus could not know if had not been more than a man, was how the dual nature of light expresses the greatest mystery known to all of humanity – how can a holy God become fully human without surrendering his original state? In other words, how does a wave become a particle? How does spirit become flesh? How do we explain an omnipotent God whose presence is only measured by the effect he has on our lives while never overwhelming us with his infinite greatness? 

To realize that this great truth was embedded into creation from the beginning is mind blowing. To me it speaks of a God who playful and profound, hiding but wanting to be seen, waiting upon our willingness to chase after him and unravel the mysteries that reveal his love and greatness for his creation. And as I find these little nuggets within this ancient book, I am overwhelmed that we have been given such a great in his Word faithfully preserved for us to this day.

Obviously, the illustration breaks down as all comparisons of Jesus to any created thing as Jesus was not created but the created. However, the use of metaphor is employed by Jesus himself as a means to help us understand his person, nature, and position within creation. The beauty of this metaphor is that it encompassed current scientific knowledge of light over 3,000 years before the dual nature of light was known. By choosing to identify with light, Jesus places himself in the center of creation and time by embodying all ancient understandings of light and concepts embedded within the science that will shape our future. 

Reader's Question: What Are Your Thoughts On Déjà Vu? Or A Glitch In The Matrix

Reader's Question: What are your thoughts on déjà vu?

First of all, let’s establish this up front – there is no direct Biblical teaching for us to refer to on this topic. The term déjà vu is a French term meaning “already seen”, so pulling out your concordance will not help you on this one as the Bible was written well before the French language was even a thing. However, that does not mean that the Bible has nothing to say about it. It just means that we have to dig a little to find it. So grab hold as we explore this little glitch in the matrix because this is the longest answer to a question I have given yet.

Second, we need to distinguish between the three types of déjà vu that people are often referencing when they talk about this phenomena, or more precisely, we need to distinguish between the sources cited for the experience.

The first source people often credit is neural misfiring. They dismiss it as a glitch of the brain due to stress, fatigue, or some random event among neurons, which is one possible legitimate reason. The brain is highly complex and perfect functioning is reliant on many factors that can be thrown out of whack for a host of reasons. Personally, I have seem to have far more occurrences of déjà vu when I am overly tired, and I tend to attribute the majority of these during times of stress to this cause. However, that is not to say that I believe this is the only cause for it.

The second source many people cite is reincarnation, particularly when visiting place of historic significance either to themselves personally or in a grander scheme of things.  Many of the people I have talked to who have ascribed to a belief in reincarnation have told me that it was a déjà vu experience that first prompted first their curiosity in reincarnation and eventual acceptance of it as fact after investigating what they deemed to be corroborating accounts.

We need to be perfectly clear on this – there is no place for reincarnation within Christian theology. This is an issue that the Bible addresses with total clarity.

And just as it is appointed for man to die once,

 and after that comes judgement. 

Hebrew 9:27

However, this does not mean that we should dismiss anyone’s experience with déjà vu. When you think about it once you are out of high school, this is a rather weird thing to try and fake. To even admit that this occurs to you on a somewhat regular and reliable basis can be seen as admission of total weirdness, being out of touch with reality, and delusion. That, and I think it is rather rude to invalidate anyone’s experience as a lie or to deny the impact it has had on their lives.

Before we jump to the third reason, we need to examine what are some of the possible reasons why this occurs that do not affirm reincarnation. One theory is that somewhere inside of what is sometimes referred to as “junk DNA” the memories of our ancestors have been encoded and passed on to us, and that we somehow have a cellular memory of certain places. I do not know if this is correct or even possible, but I am open to the possibility. This theory violates no Scriptural teachings and is a rather cool reminder that God has an infinite imagination that we are just catching the merest glimpse of in this life.

A second theory is a little more sinister, and one that I believe does happen as I have experienced it. As I have mentioned before, I believe in a spiritual realm wherein both angels and demons reside. I believe in a cosmic battle for the hearts and minds of humanity. I believe that evil does not fight fair and it does not show itself in the light lest it be identified and rejected. The easiest way to describe this theory is simply to share my story.

I once lived in house that was built in 1840-something. The events that happened there would take up far more space than allotted for this blog post, but there was no denying that something spiritual was taking place and they were witnessed by more than just me. One of the events was the reoccurring sound of music, specifically a cello, violin, and piano. Guess who lived there before I did? If you guessed musicians who played these instruments and died long before I ever set foot on the property, you would be correct. Along with the music were many of what I call pseudo-memories, for lack of a better term, and when I would mention them, others who knew the family history of this house would confirm what I knew to be accurate.

During a trip back to Oklahoma, a friend showed up at my doorstep one morning telling me that he had a message for me that could not wait. He told me about how demons had been around since the dawn of time, how they had lived side by side with humans, watching our every move, listening in to our conversations, and collecting memories of their own. He then asked one very pointed question that I had never considered, “What if they are trying to pass off their memories as our memories, trying to get us to believe that we were the ones who experienced these things, and not them?”

Instantly, I knew that he had hit upon a truth. As if to further confirm the point, from that day forward every non-human thing that lived in that house turned hostile towards me, but those events are a tale for another day. As you may guess, this has led me to approach all experiences with déjà vu with caution and a healthy dose of skepticism concerning its origin which I think is a right and fitting response to any event of a spiritual nature.

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, 

but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, 

for many false prophets have gone into our world. 

By this you know the Spirit of God; 

every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 

and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. 

This is the spirit of the antichrist, 

which you have heard was coming and now is in the world already. 

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, 

for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 

They are from the world, therefore they speak from the world, 

and the world listens to them. We are from God. 

Who knows God listens to us; 

whoever is not from God does not listen to us. 

By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. 

1 John 4:1-6

The third source for déjà vu is little trickier, but something I think we need to make room for in our consideration. It is not infrequent for me to have dreams about an upcoming event or conversation. I am not sharing this out of any sense of pride or privilege, because it is not always an easy thing to grapple with nor was it something I sought out. I will also find myself have what I consider rather innocuous conversations with people I know and trust about sensitive but random issues. In the course of these conversations, I often find myself blurting out a new idea or perspective that I had not known was lying about the recesses of my mind, and I am stunned at having articulated it so well. (I would be remiss if I did not pause to acknowledge that I consider these moments nothing less than the guidance of the Holy Spirit because I am daily confronted with the fact that I am not that smart.)

I can usually set a clock by what will happen next – I will encounter a bizarre situation that there was no humanly possible way to prepare for, but I will know what to do because I have already experienced it on some level, either in dream or in that supposedly random conversation. Having been prepared for that moment, I can respond with wisdom and compassion for others that was the direct result of the dreams and conversations, and I have had the privilege of being able to speak the words that aided in their healing and growth. Something I would not have been able to do without preparation that moved me beyond my own concerns.

I want you to notice the difference here between these events. In the first event, at the haunted/possessed house, the emphasis was on me and what I perceived in the situation. The goal was for me to ponder what I knew, what special abilities I possessed, and what may have happened in my life. When I failed to accept the fraud as good or right, the result was a full out assault designed to produce fear in my heart and mind.  In the second event, it is not about me. In fact, it has almost absolutely nothing to do with me other than I was willing to move on what I had been shown in a previous instance. The outgrowth of those moments was to move the attention away from me and back to the Father who desires the best for his children, a Father who desires that we be whole and maturing individuals, and a Father who is willing to do the incredible on our behalf. It is just as likely and easier for him to utilize the talents of an ass as it is for him to include me in this moment. (Numbers 22).

In those times I have been reluctant to use what he has shared with me, I do not feel fear or intimidation. Instead, I am grieved that I missed out on a chance to be a part of what he is doing because that is my ultimate desire – to be where he is and doing what he is doing. It really is that simple, and please, do not ask me to give you a “prophetic word” or to tell your fortune. That is not how this works, and God’s revelations are not parlor tricks for anyone’s amusement or self-aggrandizement. Instead, I urge you to be seeking him for yourself, and be open to those times when he chooses to speak into your life.

There is a legitimate place in our faith for supernatural revelation and insight, but it is never anything to be taken lightly. And I do not believe that it is something anyone should seek out. Instead, we are to be seeking him. Not the glitz and the glamour that is often associated with the prophetic ministries, but him – Our God, Our Father, Our Redeemer, Our Jesus, and if you are only looking for what he can give you, you have missed the boat.

And in the last days it shall be, God declares, 

that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, 

and your young men shall see visions and your old men shall see dreams; 

Act 2:17

But back to our discussion on déjà vu, I do not think that it is any accident that enemy tries to counterfeit what God is doing. I believe it is by design. What would be a more effective way to derail people in the search for God than to appeal to their sense of uniqueness and pride in their abilities? What greater tool does the enemy have then our own senses that can be turned against us, that can be used to distract us from the truth of God’s Word and love? Demonically inspired déjà vu is used for that purpose, and that purpose alone, to entice us to look for answers and meanings outside of Father’s desire for us. There is no hope, no vision for the future in it. It is locked in a dead past, and designed to keep our hearts and thoughts captive there – a time and place that we can never have any effect upon - so that we will never be effective ministers of God in this moment.

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, 

but blessed is he who keeps the law. 

Proverbs 29:18

For I know the plans the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

Jeremiah 29:11

And that is why we have to be willing to test the spirits and we need to be immersing ourselves in God’s Word. God is never offended when we do as he commanded, when we step back and search out confirmation on these things from within the Scripture. That is precisely what he wants us to do, and I believe that he rejoices when we are obedient in handling these revelations with the care and respect that he has decreed we should have. His Word is the litmus test against which all spiritual events should be measured. For how else are we going to be able to tell the Spirit of Truth from the spirit of error?  And this is something we really need to get right.

One Of Those Days

So it is going to be one of those days. You know the days where all the reality that you have been shoving aside in order to keep functioning comes rushing past the dam you have so carefully constructed in your mind and heart? Yeah, one of those days.

Bills have come crashing in, people you thought you could count on fail you, and even the stupid computer won’t let me get through a single blog post without wanting to update despite the fact I have limited time to get this done. Oh, the agony of being me! Excuse me while I go rail against the world for a bit, while I lose sight of all the miraculous things that have happened over the past few weeks and months, while I forget all the monsters slain and moldering because there is a fresh wave on the horizon, and I don’t feel like picking up my sword one more time. Instead, I think I will look for a rock to climb under, if I can find one big enough and one not threatening to topple over and crush me.

On days like this I used to tell people that I should have stayed in bed, but with my luck the ceiling fan would fall on me. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when one day the ceiling fan did, in fact, fall. Thankfully, it happened on day I did get out of bed so the damage was limited to a cloud of dust that covered my room. (And by the way, just to be honest, that “thankfully” was obligatory rather than heartfelt. I was rather irritated about the whole affair.)

I try to have the proper attitude. I really do. I suppose I must succeed on some level because people are always telling me how positive and encouraging I am. You’re welcome, glad to help, and that is wonderful. And I do mean it. I want to be an encourager. I make very intentional and carefully weighed decisions about what I say and what I share because encouraging one another is something I think we should all be actively striving to do. How could I expect less of myself than I would of others? So I put effort into being positive.

But sometimes, if we aren’t careful, that turns into hypocrisy. We become those people whose lives seem to scream, “Look at me! See me! I have it all together, why don’t you?” When the truth of the matter is they are falling apart inside and too scared to admit that today they just aren’t feeling it. Today, they just want the freedom to be down and frustrated with this life.

So today, I am frustrated. I am down. I am worn out and done in. Life is too big to be whooped, and I am the one taking a beating. And that is okay.

Notice that I didn’t say it is fun. I didn’t start doing a hallelujah dance or brush it off as inconsequential. My emotions matter. They have a purpose and value. God did not give them to me and then expect me to deny that they are real. He didn’t tell me that path to holiness is in denial of anything that isn’t all rainbow fuzzies and unicorn farts, and he didn’t say that I am sinful to acknowledging how I feel. And most importantly, he didn’t say that I was being unfaithful in feeling this way.

In an age of pop preachers and carefully coiffed TV evangelists who make their living with the promise of happiness, too many of us have started thinking that feeling anything other than a desire to give a gleaming smile to the world is nothing short of sin. It’s time that we get it straight – our sadness and frustration is not a betrayal of God, it is a demonstration of the fact that their shallow theology just won’t cut it in the real world.

But, but, but, we should rejoice in the Lord always! That is what it says in the Bible! You sow happiness and joy so that you can reap happiness and joy! Change your stinking thinking and your emotions will fall into line – oh, the protests I can hear as I type!

I have but one thing to say to all of that: “Jesus wept.”

Now, tell me this, just how sinful was he being in that moment? Be very careful in how you answer that lest you be guilty of blaspheme.

We could dive deeper and read some of his biting remarks to the Pharisees and his disciples. We could stop and consider the Garden of Gethsemane. We could consider Isaiah 53:3.

He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. 

Emotions, even the big bad ugly ones, are not evil. They are not sinful. They just are. You don’t get to legislate them, and you don’t get to turn them off by becoming some spiritual creature who is above such things. Jesus didn’t, why do we think that we should have it better than him? To think such a thing is arrogance, and that is one emotion that the Bible does call sin.

So you own them. You look them in the eye, and see them for what they are. They are real. They are powerful, and they are tools for understanding ourselves and this world we inhabit. They do not define us, they do not get to rule us, but that does not mean they are without value or purpose. Acknowledging how we feel is the first step to authenticity and is an act of integrity and strength. When we gather them all up, take them to Father, and declare the truth of our experience, we are walking in faith and exhibiting hope in the knowledge that he is greater than anything that has hurt our hearts, but we cannot give to Father what we do not own.

For me, today stinks. I don’t want to feel all of this, and I don’t want to deal with all the things that are frustrating me. I just don’t, and that is the truth as plainly as I know how to put it short of a few colorful metaphors. Eventually, I will get past it. I will be able to remember some of the greater truths of my life, and I will find the will to celebrate the good things Father has given me. I will be able to rest in the hope of his promises to me, but not right now. Not in this moment, because it would be a lie and a denial of how he created me. So I will throw my little pity party, I’ll invite Father over and serve him a cup of coffee if he likes, and whine a bit. He will listen, and he won’t patronize or toss Scripture at me. He will acknowledge my pain as valid, and invite me to give it all to him. And in that moment, I will begin to feel the joy of anticipation as I wonder what grand and marvelous thing he will create from my painful honesty.

Just Feeling A Little Bipolar, That's All

I debated about writing this out, and we will see if I have the stamina to stay put long enough to do it. Inviting people into this area of my life is always a risk, and something I have kept closely guarded. Letting the world know that you have a mental illness is like handing them a loaded gun to shoot down any good thing you love or will ever attempt. It makes everything you do or say suspect as it is possibly the result of nothing more than a sick mind, and on days like today that is far more evident to me than I would like it to be.

It all started about three days ago when I realized that nothing was up to my standards, and I do mean nothing. The sky wasn’t even the right shade of blue, fall is around the corner with its cooler temperatures that I detest, and I kept having to fight the urge to shred all my clothing as I suddenly deemed them all to be nothing but trash. Only some small rational corner of my mind keeps me from doing that now as I know that there are not enough funds to buy new things, and that thought makes me seethe with resentment.

Nothing is exciting enough or calming enough, and I fight the urge to scream. No words, just a gut ripping cry of protest against everything that is so very wrong. I am on the verge of tears every second. I hover there like a person clutching a toilet knowing that if they will just go on vomit they will feel better, but dreading the act so much they cannot allow themselves to do so.

I cannot stop shaking. My whole body is twitching with an undirected energy that refuses to be focused onto anything constructive without an intense effort. I have paced around the yard five times since I began typing this because I thought of half a dozen things I should do. I have accomplished none of them. The thought of doing the daily chores is physically painful, and my mind is running in loops trying to figure out ways to avoid doing what I know I should do.

I keep telling myself that today will be the worst of it and tomorrow I will begin to climb out of this pit. I have to because tomorrow I have to go back to work, be in front of people who are expecting me to behave a certain way. And I will do it. I always do. Years ago I pretty much perfected the art of faking it. I can be jabbering to myself the entire car ride to my place of employment, pondering all sorts of dangerous options for my life, crying with the physical pain of doing what I must, and then slap that smile on as I step out of my car. I will move among the people with my voice only slightly more animated than normal, and the only major shift they will even suspect is the fact I am far more complimentary than usual. Compliments, I discovered, keep most people happy and less confrontational, and the last thing you want out of me when I am in the middle of these episodes is a confrontation.

Oh, don’t worry. I have a leash on the real crazy. I only let it out when I am alone, or with people I trust absolutely. If most of you called me up right now, you would never know that it lurks just below the surface. The only clue you would get is the fact I might throw in a few more inappropriate remarks than I usually do, or my vocabulary is little more “colorful” than usual. I would just suggest that no one back me into a corner, because even I don’t know what I would do then.

I am considered to be “high functioning” with my bipolar because I can see all this. I can tell you what I am feeling, thinking, and I can tell you all the reasons why it is wrong or out of balance. I can still make choices based on what I know, and I can combat most of the rationalizations that my mind keeps spitting out at me in an attempt to vindicate how I feel. I know that greatest danger to myself and those around me is to start believing those lies and allowing myself to act on them.

Not that I always want to. There is a part of me, a deep dark scary part of me that keeps whispering that to believe the rationalizations would be freeing. The scary parts tell me that going into the camper right now and breaking every last plate and dish would feel amazing because I would no longer have to look at those very serviceable items I despise for being so colorless. The scary part tells me that I would only be exercising my rights as an adult to go and buy a fifth of whiskey and guzzling it down with some sour mix. The scary part says go dancing at eight in the morning without my husband who is too busy working, and to take all the credit cards and buy that hot tub I’ve been wanting. The thing is, it doesn’t feel scary. It feels tempting and seductive, full of promise and fun.

So I fight it. I tell myself all the reasons I need to stay the course. Stay here in my home, busy myself with projects, and if they can’t be productive at the very least choose the least destructive. I keep reminding myself of what is important, what will be important tomorrow (or next week), and what I know to be true even if it feels so incredibly fake right now. I fight the irrational anger that comes when I tell the scary part it does not get to dictate my choices, and I pray that this will pass quickly before the scary part becomes too loud and I can no longer hear the truths I keep repeating to myself.

A typical blog post takes me anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour to write. This morning it took three hours and multiple circuits of the yard to get this out. I am actually rather impressed, for while writing is one of my typical coping mechanisms it is rarely something I can do at this particular stage of an episode. 

Photo from Photopin

A More Thoughtful Response To SCOTUS Decision

A good friend who always has a balancing and healthy perspective on the issues I address, pointed out to me that yesterday's post about the SCOTUS decision seemed dismissive of the gravity of the situation. And as usual, I could not argue as she was right.

I did not address any of the possible, and I believe inevitable, negative outcomes this will create for the Church. There is no doubt in my mind that things are going to get a whole lot uglier before they get better, and I think that as Christians we should be prepared for what is around the bend.

Now, I am in no way claim to be a legal expert, nor do I pretend to be familiar with all the intricacies of the laws of our land. What I offer is my opinion based on my knowledge as a student of the Bible and history.

What I do know about our nation’s laws is that they can be rewritten to be acceptable to the changes of time and culture to better reflect the social attitudes of our day. The ability to make these changes was integral part of the design from the start and has been used to make some very positive changes in our country. Women’s right to vote and racial equality are just two issues that come to mind without a second cup of coffee. My point is laws change, even constitutional laws change, and to bank on them as the source of our security is absurd and naïve.

And it isn’t always that the laws have to change, it is simply that interpretation of the laws are changed. After all, if you compared many of the selfies posted on social media, they clearly fit the standards of pornography of the Comstock Act of 1873 and would have been grounds to arrest about half our nation. However, over the years styles and fashion changed so the definition lewd and obscene changed and as such laws had to be changed to accommodate public demand. Now you can show your butt online as long as you have a string over the crack, and by law it is not considered to pornographic.

There is a very similar evolution going on in our laws that dictate the relationship between church and state, and the SCOTUS decision is going to accelerate that evolution.

The first, most obvious reason, is that the Bible teaches homosexuality is wrong. I know there are a ton of convoluted arguments to the contrary, but let’s go with the plain reading of the text as offered in Scripture.

Now if we believe that freedom of speech is a protected act in the US then you have never studied censorship laws – speech is only as protected as it is deemed proper under societal dictates. Whereas Clark Gable once caused a scandal by “not giving a damn”, no one even blinks at such phrases today. However, say that for a man to lie with another man as woman is an abomination, and presto! You have crossed over into hate speech, and do you know what isn’t protected under freedom of speech?

If you guessed hate speech, you are right.

Freedom of religion also will not spare us the consequences. All that is needed is apply the term abusive to any religious practice and it can come under fire, particularly when it involves minors, and this isn’t a bad thing. When we have men like Warren Jeffs marrying off teenage girls to the men his church, legal action should be taken. However, where do we draw the line and who determines what abuse is? In California, reparative therapy for a child dealing with same sex attraction is considered abusive and has been banned. Other states are sure to follow as homosexuality is now considered to be normal part of our society and culture.

To me the almost obscene footnote in all of this has become a major issues among Christians, and that is the idea that churches will lose their tax exempt status. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to break to break it to you that is going to happen. When we have churches who voluntarily decided to run themselves corporations instead houses of prayer we asked for it, and I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for reaping the consequences of what we have sown. There are greater issues on the line than money, and if you think that God has to have a tax break to be present in this world, your god is pretty small and probably not worth worshipping, and definitely not able to handle the real issues of our world.

So what are we supposed to do? Well, for starters, don’t sit around wringing your hands as if the world has come to an end. What if it has? Isn’t that the hope and longing of all creation? Our job is to be preparing for it, and I don’t mean by stockpiling a bunch of food and ammo. I mean we should be helping those around us to see God’s glory and goodness so that they might be inspired to seek him, and let’s face it, if we are only showing them a defeated God, why would they want him?

We dive deeper into his Word and we follow the outline he gave a persecuted church so many years ago. For their persecution was far greater than any we face now, and yet, he gave them not only the keys to survival, he showed them how to thrive! He told them how to live their faith in the face of oppressive laws and intolerance for their religion. He didn’t lie to them about how believing in him would make their lives all lollipops and rainbows. Instead, he said that we are blessed in persecution and that we would be reviled and that we should rejoice in it.

We become intentional in seeking our King. For it is in knowing him that we find the strength and humility to live transformational lives. Lives that are not full of self-pity or fear, but lives that recognize the darkness makes the light shine even more brightly.

We surround ourselves with other believers, but we remain available to the rest of the world. We find strength and encouragement through the love and support of those who share our faith, and we use those times as a springboard to live our faith boldly before others.

We educate ourselves on the issues that touch the lives of our loved ones, believers and non-believers alike, so that we can have a ready answer in due season. We have been called to be wise, and wisdom is difficult to cultivate in a desert of ignorance.

We walk in grace and compassion, not anger and bitterness. God has done this for us and when we fail to extend it to others, we fail to deny God’s gift to us.

We speak truth, but we do it in love, fully recognizing that the love that has been given to us is also offered to any who would receive it.

But most of all, we share our stories of how God changed us. For some of us this means being real about struggles in our sexuality, for some this an admission that we don’t know what it is like to face that challenge, but for all of us it call to celebrate the goodness of God’s grace and mercy extended to us no matter what we have faced in our lives.

Photo via PhotoPin

Should I Have Been Nice? - An Emily Rant

I am supposed to act like this.

The other day I got a phone call from someone who wanted to comment on my one of my posts. His words were sweet and encouraging, full of praise and support for “dealing with life’s harder issues.” You would think that this sort of thing would make me happy, but the truth is the longer he prattled on the more irritated I became. He explained to me why he never commented, liked or shared any of my writings. He didn’t want to give people the wrong idea about him or that he might be dealing with any of the issues I address in my posts, but he sure did want to bless and encourage me, just not publicly.

I think it was about the eighth time he said, “thank you for being brave enough to take on these issues” that my unruly mouth slipped its leash, and I heard myself say, “I’m glad one of is.” Needless to say, the conversation was soon over.

When I feel like this!

I know. I know. I was more than just a bit rude, and I shouldn’t have been. There were far more tactful ways to deal with what his words were stirring up inside of me. My problem is I usually only remember that after I have spouted off something less than kind. Believe me, I am working on it, but give me a little grace because it is a work in progress. And if I want to be real honest, I will admit that it probably always will be.

I have been thinking about the conversation a lot, wondering why it made me mad and wondering how I could have handled it better. So far this is what I have come up with:

I started dealing with “life’s harder issues” at time when my marriage was imploding. My ex-husband’s addiction to pornography had reached epic levels, leaving him unable to hold down a job as it interfered with his viewing schedule. I had ceased to exist as woman in his eyes and was considered to be just another obstacle between him and what he really desired. The verbal and emotional abuse was escalating to physical and sexual, and death fantasies became my favorite escape – his or mine, I didn’t care.

The great thing about reaching this level is other people’s opinions no longer matter. Societal constraints become nothing more than spider webs to be slapped aside.

So I started asking questions, contradicting statements, and generally being rude. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain amount of entertainment in people’s shock, but the truth is I wasn’t doing it for that. There were so many truths I need to know if I was ever to return to the land of the living as something other than a shell of a person, and even though I thought I was ready to check out of this world there has always been some part of me ready for a fight. And it soon became apparent that I was in the fight of my life.

The funny thing about questions is that if you want to know the answer there is a pretty good chance that half the people you know want to know the same thing, but just haven’t worked up the nerve to say the words out loud.  It didn’t take long before women started approaching me off to the side, with nervous glance to make sure that no one could overhear. They told me about how their husbands used porn, how there had been violence in their homes, how they had been given the same “stay married and pray” advice I had received, and how they felt like there was no one willing to talk about these things because it was all just too uncomfortable in the church setting.

However, it didn’t make everyone happy with me. I learned from a friend that when she started attending the church I was that she had been warned about me. I learned from another friend that it was thought I had drug problem, and I heard from a third that I caused my husband’s addiction to porn because I had emasculated him with my sharp mouth. Christians can be so sweet.

Every day now, I receive emails, text, and messages over social media from women and men who are facing the same issues I did. They have the same questions I asked and they are facing the same stony faced silence or that condescending “we will just pray for you, dear” attitude I got. I hear from people whose faith is being eroded by Christians who are misrepresenting God and how he responds to our problems. I talk to abuse victims who are terrified of the shame and stigma that comes with divorce. I talk to women who are experts at hiding bruises and men who are terrified of losing everything if the truth comes out so they never seek the help they need except through a stranger who happened to write a book.

Guys and gals, I do not have this covered! There is only one of me and so many of you! The conversations are icky and uncomfortable – you try talking to a 70+ year old man about his chronic masturbation problem, I know!  I have been there. You have try having a pastor contact you on how to deal with a woman in his church who has shown up multiple times with a black eye or swollen lip, or answer a 12 year old’s question about anal sex. I do it all the time, but not because I am an expert. The only thing I have going for me is the fact I lived through my hell and came out the other side scrapping for answers.

I get frustrated and angry that we have become so ashamed of this gift of sexuality that God has given us. My blood pressure boils when I hear some pat and cliché answer proffered to someone who is real need, and I get so tired of being shushed by those who are embarrassed to speak truth into other’s lives. God never did that to anyone! He was bold and truthful. Jesus didn’t look at the lepers or the man at the pool, pat their heads and say, “I’ll pray for you.” He acted and he acted in truth and love – and love without truth is no better than a dollar sympathy card.

Pawning off our responsibility to follow in Jesus’ example is crock and a coward’s way out of what we have been called to be. Expecting someone else to deal with the harder issues of life so we can avoid them is laziness, and the next time you feel tempted to avoid a few words that make you uncomfortable, I hope you remember the cross and humiliation washes over you until you choke.

Could I be a little nicer? Should I have been a little nicer to the man on the phone? Maybe, but maybe too many of us are worshipping “nice” when we should have been worshipping God.

Bruce Jenner - How Do We Respond?

Very few things make me sad. Like most of us, I don’t like how uncomfortable that feeling makes me. I have found that it is much easier to entertain anger and righteous outrage rather than feel brokenness for another’s plight. Feeling anger helps me keep my distance from the uglier realities of this world, and if I am honest, allows me to think that I am somehow above the choices and actions of others. Being smug is so much more satisfying to my ego than empathy, and too often I let it be my reflex rather than offering the grace of a response.

This morning I read several of the articles concerning Bruce Jenner’s transition from male to female, and I read the reports that praised him for his courage and honesty. I read accounts of celebrations over new found freedoms and a society that has evolved to place where he did not have to hide or stay trapped in a body he could not love, and I felt something I did not like. I felt sad.
I wanted to feel the anger and outrage that many of my Christian brothers and sisters are sure to spew over the internet in the following weeks. Those emotions are so much easier, but I have to ask myself, is that truly an appropriate response?

The answer was in an unlikely source – in those celebratory articles.

They all said pretty much the same thing. They talked about how brave Bruce is for making this change, how impossible it is to fight who you really are and how we liberating it is to live your personal truth. There is a part of me that wants all of these statements of be utterly false, but when I stop to consider them in the light of Scripture, I have to affirm that they are true.

Now, before you completely tune me out, follow me on this, and grab your Bible to double check what I am saying.

WE CANNOT FIGHT WHO WE REALLY ARE - at least, not alone.

This is the heart of the gospel. I will never be good enough, strong enough, or wise enough to do this by myself. Bruce isn’t. You aren’t. No one is or ever was apart from Jesus and through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. Paul wrote these words to the Galatians:

     But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the      flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed      to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. (5:16,17 ESV)

When we forget that we must walk by the Spirit to have control over our fleshly desires, we begin to demand that people do the impossible. We start placing unrealistic expectations on them and all they can hear is our condemnation over their failure to meet a standard that can only be met through a relationship with our Lord and Savior. Even then, it is still a process that one must walk through, practicing self-control and waiting for the appearance of glory.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealots for good works. (Titus 2:11-14 ESV)

Many commended Bruce for his bravery to face who he truly is, and once again, I have to agree. There is bravery in looking at who really are, in finding those areas of our lives where the outside doesn’t match the inside, and finding ways to bring those two parts of us into alignment. Too many of us who profess to be Christians are neglecting this practice are living lives blissfully unaware (or simply in denial) of who truly are on the inside. Typically, we cover this up by shouting a little louder at the person whose actions we do not approve.

However, recognizing our own sin is the first step towards a relationship with our Lord and required for maintaining that relationship that empowers us to live according to the dictates of our faith.  The process is summed up in that scary little word, repentance, which demands humility and sorrow for our sins. King David’s Psalm 51, composed after his affair with Bathsheba, is a beautiful example of confronting one’s own sin so that relationship with God might be restored.

Which leads us to the final statement about Bruce, and we must ask, is it liberating to live one’s personal truth? The answer is yes, even the Bible acknowledges this: Job 20:5, 21:11-13; Isaiah 47:8-11; Luke 12:19-20, and there are many more. However, if you read those passages you find that the pleasure is fleeting and there is judgement if we give into the temptation, but there is glory if we resist, Hebrews 11:23-28.

That is what makes all these statements so easy to believe, to buy into. There is an element of truth in them all. Changing who we are requires help, even Bruce proves this point as his transition could not be attained merely through wishful thinking. He required the assistance of a physician, but as believers we are commanded to seek the Great Physician, who changes our hearts not merely our bodies.

Staring at your own internal mess is brave. Recognizing where we are broken takes humility and strength, often a strength born of desperateness, but to whom are we taking our brokenness? One who desires to heal or a world who celebrates our brokenness and uses it to affirm their own? God has never been content to leave us in the condition he found us. All of Scripture proclaims that his greatest desire to take those broken pieces and create something new from them, if we are brave enough to take that next step.

Sin is easier and far more fun than process of purification, but only if we do not look into the future and see the effects of it upon our lives and the lives of the ones we claim to love. Ask the addict, the adultery, the thief, and the murderer all will tell you the same thing. It was fun, felt right in the moment, there was a rush and a high unlike any other, and it was not until I had to face the consequences that I realized the cost.

So what do we do when confronted with a story like Bruce Jenner’s?

We love. We love with a God inspired commitment to seeing the best in people. We love with a love that is brave enough to be broken over another’s pain and misery. We love with a love strong enough to speak truth with compassion. We love with a love that has courage enough not to hide behind anger or outrage. We love with a love that inspires others to seek its source, as we seek our Lord to find the balance between truth and judgement, never betraying his grace and mercy by trying to withhold it from another.

Photo via PhotoPin

 

And Then He Sets Himself On Fire - A True Story (Because you can't make this stuff up)

Originally posted May 5, 2014

The past year has been crazy hard - type of thing poorly produced TV inspirational films are made of hard, but only if they have too many subplots to be coherent. First there was the big stuff, like the months of chemo that preceded my father’s death to an obscure type of cancer. Then I got to spend some time in the hospital for reasons yet to be fully explained. My suspicion is stress, but I am not medical professional. I am just the girl who came back from a chemo treatment to find my house flooded by a broken washing machine, a furnace that was out of propane, and family in crises.  Did I mention that my husband was hours away working to support us while dealing with various automotive break downs, lay offs, and the seemingly endless need to move cross country to the next job?

I was holding it all together pretty well, really I was. I was ready to pick up and go at a moment’s notice. I was able to make the many doctors’ appointments, get the kids were they needed to go, nobody starved, everyone was clothed, and the lack of sleep was no big deal, really.

After the funeral, I took up a somewhat regular residence in my house. A first in over ten months of simply sleeping there while an untouched refrigerator grew some pretty amazing mold that has to be the cure for something. Unfortunately, some of it is pretty terrifying too, so I still haven’t worked up the nerve to touch it. I am thinking I should just cart the whole thing out and start fresh with a new one because there maybe no decontaminating that one, but I digress -

Of course, I once again failed to notice that we were running low on propane so we were without heat, again. The fix was supposed to be simple. I called and they delivered. How much easier could it be?

This should have been my tip off - because nothing in my life is simple. It is a law that has been woven into the fabric of the universe. I, above all people, should have known this, planned on this, and taken all necessary precautions to minimize the risk, but I let my guard down and hoped - no, believed for a moment it really was this simple.

The delivery guy arrived with his massive truck full of liquid warmth, pumped it into the giant silver tank in my front yard, and does the requisite check of appliances. This, of course, means he has to see at least one burning. Now if my stove had been working…..another story all together, sorta, we could have used that one, but it wasn’t.

So he tries to light the furnace. Please note the use of the term “tries”. The automatic spark thing-a-ma-bob wore out long ago making lighting the stupid thing a bit of an ordeal. He turned the propane on, struck the lighter, and nothing. He tries to purge the system, nothing. He suggests purging it once more just to make sure all the air is out of the lines. He lays the lighter aside, picks up his wrench and as he stands up -

AND THEN HE SETS HIMSELF ON FIRE! HE IS ENGULFED IN A SWIRL OF FLAMES!!! RIGHT THERE IN MY KITCHEN!!!

Now, I am not an overly reactive person. Not to much, anyways. I stood there watching him slap at his hair and eyebrows which were burning off before my eyes. He runs from the house, and my daughter is on his heels. Me on the other hand - well, I just stand there watching the fire pour out of the wall and realize I will never be able to save all my books.

By this time the smoke is getting thick so I stroll over to the couch and grab my purse as the thumb drive back ups for my books were inside.

Outside, the human torch has been extinguished with only the loss of some hair. Sad, but not tragic, like it could have been. The poor guy is in shock, and I realize he has no intention of going back into my house there is STILL BURNING.

I ask him if he has an extinguisher. (I have one in my closet but I’m pretty sure it is more of bad decoration than a functional item). This seems to snap him out of his daze, “Is it still burning?” he asks aghast.

I have give him one those “well, uh, duh” smiles mothers reserve for their slow children. To his credit he rushed right back in and put out the flames.

It was about two days later I started working on a real psychotic break with reality. The happy land in my head is just so much more appealing. (Un)fortunately, I am surrounded by a group of people who are pretty good at snapping me back to this realm, whether I want them to or not.

Since it’s become bloody obvious that no one is going to let me take up residence in a padded room with my purple crayon to chew on - I thought running away to stay with the hubby would be just the break I needed. Reality had other plans, because the air conditioner decided it was just too hot for it to work. Did you know that camper trailers morph into toaster ovens when not prevented from doing so by a working air conditioner? Neither did I, but they can roast the flesh from your bones. And my purple crayon? Nothing more than a pool of purple wax now.

Look, things go wrong. Usually, lots of things at once in varying magnitude, and my job, your job, is to get through them the best you can. We cope the best we can and sometimes even that doesn’t work. Life is hard and anyone who tells you different is selling you something - to paraphrase one of the greater truths expressed in film. (Thank you, Princess Bride).

Right now, sitting here in this crazy place and time I have two choices.

1. I can choose to believe that this is some sort of cosmic punishment. Not for any wrong doing of my own that I can identify, more likely, it would be just for me being me - which I have been told is an affront to the established order of nature. However, that would also mean that God made a mistake, and I have a hard time buying that.

2. I can choose to believe that I am doing something incredibly right, and THAT is the affront to the established order of nature. In this fallen world, the ability to speak truth and the willingness to bear witness to the goodness of our Lord and Redeemer is offensive. Flying directly in the face of those would wish to silence us to his mercy and goodness.

So is there chaos, frustration, even pain in my life right now? I would be a liar if I said no, but it isn’t insurmountable and it isn’t the end of my story. So stayed to tune - who knows what grand adventure I will get to on next week. It may simply be a search for a new purple crayon or visiting with foreign dignitaries, such are the days of my life.