Love In An Imperfect World

In a perfect world, we would all love each other with a fullness and grace that would make sacrifice and compassion as natural as breathing. In perfect world, anger would be defused with understanding, bitterness erased with tenderness, and the scars we inflict upon each other would fade into nothingness so that we would never again be reminded of those moments when we failed to love or be loved completely.

But we do not live in a perfect world, and we ourselves are not perfect. Love costs us greatly, grace is never cheap or free when you are the one extending it, and forgiveness never comes with forgetfulness.

We live in a world where people fail us, where we fail others, and usually it the ones we hold most dear that hurt us the most and who we fail most often. In those times love demonstrates its strength by turning to embrace the hurt and the hurting so that relationship can be preserved and healing, as imperfect as we now know it to be in this realm, can commence.

But what of those moments when healing is denied, when forgiveness is not offered and mercy is withheld?  How then do we love?

Does compassion become weakness? Grace permission for abuse?

For so long we have been told that love is without bounds and limits. It is to be given freely and only its unwavering expression of approval and acceptance is it determined to be authentic. All else is but a fraud, a manipulation, and self-serving artifice designed to bind another to you through the shackles of control and demands of proof for their worthiness of such affection. So we give, and we give without thought to self or survival. We pour out so that another might know that they are worthy of our gift and sacrifice, and we pray that we will be found worthy in turn.

The stories told us that if we loved enough, if we held on tight enough, and worked hard enough we would indeed be found worthy and rewarded with the strength of love that we have bestowed upon another. But this is not truth. It never has been.

Love is the most easily rejected gift we have to offer another.

Perfect love was the first gift offered to humanity. Love not merely expressed in the feeble tools of words and deed, but love personified, walking with Adam and Eve there in the garden, guiding and teaching them with his tangible presence. Their experience of love was beyond any that you and I will know this side of the grave, and they still betrayed it for the hope of something better. Greed and pride deafened their ears, blinded their eyes, and hardened their hearts to the truth – love wants to give all, but only to those willing to reject everything else for the chance to experience this great gift.

Millennia would pass before love once again walked the earth, and this time the gift of his presence was rewarded with a gruesome death upon the cross for demands of fidelity are the one thing the human heart cannot abide. Sacrificing control of our lives and destiny is not something easily accomplished by the human heart, and yet, that was what he required of us so we demanded his blood for daring to be so bold. Unable to appreciate the great gift before us, we rebel. We fight and scream at the cruelty of perceived oppression, and declare that this cannot be love for the love we wish leaves us unchanged and unburdened by expectations.

We have never embraced love without struggle or objection.

This is true not just of God’s love for us, but even the love of another human being. We will lash out at any who feel they have the right by merit of their love for us to dictate the terms of our lives. We will deny that what they offer is love, and call it evil so that we can justify our rejection of this gift.

And what of those times when we are the ones who love? When our great gift of self is rejected? What are we to do then? As in all things, we should look to the example of our Lord and Savior, we continue to love, but we enact limits. We set boundaries, not upon our love but upon the expressions of love that we offer. We do not permit ourselves to be used up and abused by those who would use our emotion as a means to demand all and give nothing in return. We recognize that what we have offered is of great value to ourselves and our Creator, and it is not a gift to be scorned.

Therein lies the conflict. For if we as human beings cannot give love without expectations of honor nor can we receive without submission, how then are we to love?

The answer is a revelation of why we need the love of God before any other love. For without his guidance, the continual experience of his love for us forever renewing our minds and conforming us to his image, we will lack the wisdom and knowledge of where boundaries should be set and how they should be enacted – first in our lives and then in the lives of others. We learn to love by being loved. We learn how to love by experiencing how he loves us, and we are taught to accept love when we receive the gift of his love to us. Without his love illuminating our hearts and minds we stumble and fall into abuse and selfishness, we are lured into believing that our happiness relies on something beyond what has been given, and we flinch from the burden of expectation.

As we experience the love of God we learn to discern love from lust, true sacrifice from manipulation, respect from flattery, and conviction from unfounded guilt. We will never get it right, not completely, but that is why we need the one we love to love our Father as well. For in our humanness, we will need the grace and mercy that can only be inspired in the hearts of one who knows the source of true love intimately. And sometimes, as you fight through the learning together, you get a piece of it right and in those moments you learn the beauty of what it is to truly love another and to be loved in return with all the glory and beauty that is a gift from the God of love alone and can never be conjured from the mere depths of our humanity.

The Cost of Dreaming Big

There is an inherent risk in dreaming big, something no one ever talks about but is unavoidable and devastating, and that is the inevitable reality of disappointment. Now, I am old pro at dreaming big. I have constructed masterpieces whimsy in my mind that would shame Da Vinci. I have woven together grand and glorious schemes out of nothing more than a whisper of hope that make the Sistine Chapel look like a mere coloring book.

And it more than conjecture or what if’s. I can see myself there in the moment. I can feel the texture of the clothing I shall wear as it all comes to fruition. I can smell the air that crackles with the energy of realized potential, and if I am still enough, I can feel the weight of all the toils and heartaches endured to reach that moment roll off my back.

It is the fuel that keeps me going. It is why I do what I do and why I fight so hard to keep moving forward when everything around me tries to hold me back. I need to dream, like I need to breathe and even more than I need the nourishment of food for my dreams are far richer. In my mind it is not a question of if, but rather of when. For me, it has already happened and I am only waiting for that moment when you shall be able to enjoy the dream with me in this reality.

And then there are days like today.

Days when I realize I don’t have a play left. Facts, reality, the truth, whatever you wish to call it, are greater than my dreams and I have to admit that, at least for the moment, I have been defeated.

Days like this aren’t frequent. They are a strange and unfamiliar land, one that I have managed to dodge more times than any human has a right to – a fact I am grateful for, but it does not make it any less painful to be here. Maybe it is my lack of experience with this place that causes me to freeze, to set back and watch the sky fall bit by crumbling bit with nothing more than remorseful resignation.

Days like this make me doubt, not my faith, but my ability to trust God. And yes, there is a difference. For I have all the faith in the world that God is greater than my mind can comprehend. Questioning his power, his holiness, and his sovereignty never crosses my mind. I have faith that when I pray on your behalf that he will move mountains to care for you, to provide for you, and to demonstrate his love for you. Faith is not an issue. Faith is as real to me as gravity, an undeniable and powerful force not be ignored.

But trust? That is another matter.

Trust means that I am willing to believe no matter what the evidence or circumstance says that everything that is will be for my good. That is a harder thing to believe, particularly when the circumstances hurt. And they do hurt when you watch your dream evaporate.

This is where most Christian blog writers would give you some great spiritual insight. Sorry, but today, I have none. It just hurts. And my sadistic little brain keeps running through all the ways that life is unfair, making a tally of all the things that I have sacrificed and balancing against all that I think I have gained. I am involuntarily running down the list of people who have gained so much more and done so much less, and I am trying not to drown in self-pity or get puffed up with sanctimonious outrage that life isn’t fair – that God isn’t fair.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I know all the right Christian answers and I can quote all the appropriate verses for you. And I have lots of people in my life who are willing to quote them back at me, but you know what? When it hurts this bad, all of that is nothing more than salt in a bloody wound, and while I know that everyone means well, it feels like I am being told that my emotions in all this do not matter, like my disappointment and pain should just be swept under the rug and ignored.

I know my dream was unrealistic and that there were too many obstacles standing in the way to ever think that it might be done in this life. I get it, but do you think for one second I would be feeling this way if I did not have faith enough to dream in the first place? If I did not think for one second that my God was strong enough and great enough to accomplish all that I believed could happen? Of course, I did or I would not be facing disappointed now. The question was never faith. It’s not the question now.

The question is can I trust him? My mind started out screaming yes – decreeing it if we want to use the right church vernacular, but after the past few years that scream has become a whisper lost in the storm. For no matter how much I know what the right answer is, my heart is bleeding with the wounds that faith has dealt me, that daring to trust has cost me.

So I turn the pages, find the Psalm that reminds me that I am not alone. There was another who felt this way, another who dared to ask that dreadful question that only the truly brave can ask, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Because sometimes, you don't need answers, you just need to know that you are not alone. 

Feedlefusters - And Other Not So Whimsical Problems With Me

Ever since I could remember I have wanted a feedlefuster, and not just any feedlefuster. I have invested hours planning each and every detail of the perfect feedlefuster for me. I have tweaked the design in my head to better fit into each passing phase of my life, downgrading the original wants and desires to something more manageable as I have aged, but clinging to those elements that I knew I must have to make having my own feedlefuster worthwhile and enjoyable. So no longer did I want the seventy six ortasnogs or the 37 ribberblasts. I had determined all I really needed to be happy with my feedlefuster were 2 ortasnogs and 3 ribberblasts, but no matter what I had to have the bellazous. I, mean, who could possible enjoy a feedlefuster without a bellazous?

So when Ty said that it was time that we should finally get a feedlefuster, I was thrilled! I began polishing up my feedlefuster design and prepared to go shopping. I sat him down and explained to him in no uncertain terms that this was the feedlefuster that we were looking for, and that this is why we needed those oh so important features. That is when Ty looked at me and said, “It’s all well and good to dream big, but you can’t always get what you want.” He then proceeded to show me an array of feedlefusters that did not have a single ortasnog and only one ribberblast. And get this not a single bellazous to be seen! There wasn’t even a place to add a bellazous – ANYWHERE!

To say that I was appalled is the understatement of the century. I was devastated. What was this man who said he loved me thinking by suggesting such a thing? Didn’t he realize that I had to have a bellazous with my feedlefuster? I had been promised a feedlefuster with bellazous. We had discussed this and agreed that we both wanted one and now he was acting like we had agreed to get a pet unicorn or some other crazy thing that simply did not exist. He was acting as if all those conversations were a joke that I had been in on, or was that target of?

So I stopped. I stopped looking a feedlefusters. I stopped thinking about them, stopped discussing them, and most definitely refused to be a part of his shopping for one. It just hurt too much to think about settling for something I didn’t want when this was so important to me. Not that he noticed. He just kept showing me ads for the feedlefusters he liked, and I kept dying inside a little with each and every one he showed me and resenting him a little more each time for dashing my hopes and dreams of the perfect feedlefuster.

Until last night, when he asked me to look at the latest feedlefuster he had found. Oh crackers, it was awful! I just sat there all numb looking at its blue berrymauts and the 9 bifflewits – have I mentioned I hate bifflewits? It even had a rubber top on its goobersmet. Who puts rubber tops on goobersmets anymore? And I realized, this was what I was going to end up with. There was no avoiding it, and I just needed to accept that fact that I was never going to get a bellazous or a single ortasnog. It is just not happening, and I needed to make peace with it.

Lying in bed, I couldn’t even pray, not about the feedlefuster. If I even tried I was certain I was going to break into a thousand little pieces that could not be put back together, and I didn’t want to have to clean up that mess. So I hid. Deep in my mind, in my favorite place, I began turning over the words of Genesis 1:1, letting them roll through me until they were all that mattered. I asked God about how he occupied himself before creation, what was it like to be there in eternity before he filled the universe with life apart from himself, and a thousand other mysteries he has yet to reveal to humanity.

But God wasn’t having any of my over spiritualized cowardice. (Grrr!)

“Why aren’t you praying about the feedlefuster?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” I responded.

“Are you saying that what I have to say about it doesn’t matter?” he pushed. “Are you saying that you are perfectly okay with believing that I can speak the universe into existence, but you don’t think I can take care of this?”

I protested. “He is asking me to…

He cut me off, “What if I am asking you to be okay with it?”

This is where I got smacked in the face with one of the things I have been teaching for a while now. Ty is my husband, he’s the head of my household, and I believe that the Scripture is pretty clear that I am supposed to submit to him. (Double grrr!) Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t have a voice in our marriage. It doesn’t mean that Ty automatically gets his way in everything, and it doesn’t mean that I am door mat. It simply means that every team has to have a leader, and I agreed to let him be mine. There are times when I put my foot down, and I put it down hard. But I reserve those times for things that I believe are morally or ethically wrong, and let’s face it, it’s hard to argue the morality of a feedlefuster. It’s a tool, and nothing else.

Am I happy that my wants in this matter are being ignored? Not by a long shot, and I don’t think I have to be happy about it. But I can’t afford to be bitter, and that is where I was heading in all my angst. I signed on for this. It doesn’t make Ty right or his opinion on this superior to mine, and I am free to disagree all I want to. I just need to do it in a way that doesn’t lead to resentment on my part, and do you know who is responsible for that? Me.

And here is the worst part, my bitterness and resentment wasn’t all directed at Ty. He’s an imperfect man, and I knew that going into this marriage. I also knew that I was entering into a sacred covenant wherein we both have obligations, and I did so believing that God has reason and purpose for this design. When I buck it like I have been, I am saying there is flaw in the design. I am saying that God cannot be trusted, and I am declaring that my wants are more important that God’s decrees.

I am also saying that I am willing to sacrifice the truth of what I believe and my marriage for a silly feedlefuster. That I love the feedlefuster I have always wanted more than I love Ty or my God, and if I were to be brutally honest with myself that feedlefuster has become a bit of an idol in my life. Not that there is anything wrong with having a feedlefuster, most of my friends do and they love it, they are using it for ministry, and it a huge blessing in their life. I just can’t let it be more important to me than obedience or love.

So if you see me with a rubber topped feedlefuster, don’t expect me to do a jig over it. I am probably never going to be ecstatic over it, but I can make peace with it. In the end it is not really about what I have anyways, it is about my heart and my attitude and what I do with what I have been given. So I will choose to walk in faith, trusting in God’s decree and design, and rejoicing in him even when I don’t get what I want because I am wise enough to know maturity stinks sometimes and the right thing isn’t always easy. And if a thing, anything, even a feedlefuster, makes me miserable, I have lost sight of how great my God my truly is and that just won’t fly.

*If you are wondering what in the world is a feedlefuster, you are not alone. I chose not to identify this object of contention, because it really doesn’t matter what the precise nature of thing is. We all have a feedlefuster in our lives, that thing we think we can’t be happy without, and for each one of us it is different. So instead of wondering what my feedlefuster is, just insert your own into the story, and ask yourself the question God put to me – What if he is the one asking you to modify your wants? Can you trust him with that or is that particular idol getting in your way?


photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/130467353@N06/16417954196">Paris, Museum of Inventions</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">(license)</a>

"Why Did You Deceive Me?" Or Leah's Romance

"What have you done to me? I was in service for Rachel! Why did you deceive me?" Genesis 29:25b

I have never been able to read those words without wondering if Leah could hear them. Was she listening on the other side of the tent curtain waiting to hear her fate? Did Jacob drag her by the arm and shove her in Laban's face as demanded to know the answers? Could she even breathe as her hopes of love and romance were cast aside in favor of her sister's beauty? Did the entire camp see Jacob's anger at having been saddled with her? Did she notice that her name was never spoken by her husband or her father? Only Rachel's?

If you don't know the story, here's a quick overview. Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Leah was the oldest. We don't know much about her only that she had "weak eyes" and that was not Jacob's choice for a bride. But Rachel, now she was something special. Jacob fell for her and he fell hard, so hard that he was willing to work seven years for Laban just for the right to have her as his bride. When the seven years had been fulfilled, Jacob demanded that Laban uphold his end of the bargain, but on the wedding night, Laban snuck Leah into Jacob's tent instead of Rachel. The next morning Jacob discovered what had been done and was furious, but Laban just used Jacob's despair as way to weasel seven more years of work out of Jacob in exchange for the bride he truly desired.

The new terms were quickly struck, and Leah was granted a full week with her new husband before he was wed to Rachel. I cannot even imagine what that week must have been like for her. Instead of the proud new groom delighting in his new wife, she got to spend it with an man who was anticipating a life with another woman. (And I think I have bad days.)

But that week was just the beginning. For as the Bible specifically records, Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. (Genesis 29:30).

We see Leah's misery in the names of her children, children that Bible says were given to her because God saw that she was unloved. Reuben means "The Lord has seen my affliction" or "Now my husband will love me", Simeon means "This is because the Lord heard that I was unloved and has given me this one also", Levi means "This time my husband will become attached to me for I have borne him three sons", and Judah means "This time I will praise the Lord." The hope in those words is heart breaking when you know that it will never be. Jacob will always love Rachel, and there is nothing that Leah can do to win his heart. Nothing she ever does will be good enough or amazing enough to be loved in the way that all women wish to be adored, and you can see the cycle of hope and shattered dreams breaking her until she becomes a footnote in her own story.

To this day, the romance of Jacob and Rachel is celebrated. Jacob's devotion and patience in his service for Rachel is lauded and Laban's trickery is condemned, but who remembers Leah as more than an obstacle to true love?

Some of the Rabbis attempted to restore some of Leah's honor, devising a tale in which she is heroine of faith. In their story Leah is frightened that she may end up married to Jacob's coarser older brother Esau, and she prays that she might be saved from such a fate. Her prayers are so powerful that she is given Jacob as a husband, instead. Later, out of concern for her sister she is said to have prayed that she not be allowed to give birth to another son lest her sister be displaced, and so the baby she was carrying became daughter, Dinah. It is a sweet tale, but stands at odds with the Biblical text.

For once, Leah's son Reuben found mandrakes, a plant believed to aid in conception. Rachel who was still barren at the time, begged her sister for them. Leah's response drips with bitterness, "Was it not enough for you to take away my husband, that you would also take my son's mandrakes?" (Genesis 30:15). Rachel uses the one ploy she has to get her way, she barters a night in their husband's bed in exchange for the mandrakes.

She informs Jacob of this with little love or hope of receiving any in return, "You are to sleep with me, for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes." (Genesis 30:16). Listen to her words, "I have hired you." Gone is the starry eyed girl, and her place is a woman who has made bitter peace with her situation. Children are her consolation, and that is all that Jacob can provide. The names of her next two sons are Issachar and Zebulun, "My reward" and "My gift".

It is hard to study Leah's story. It is not one of victory or triumph. It is about a woman who is stuck in the most untenable of positions anyone could imagine. God does not give her the love she desires, he does not change her circumstance, or intervene in some miraculous way. He leaves there as she struggles to cope with the harsh realities of her life.  

But just because it is a hard story, it does not mean that is should be avoided nor should Leah be forgotten for she has much to teach us. She began her journey full of optimism and hope. She had dreams of being loved, and she prayed that God would grant her a request so simple that many of us believe it a fundamental human right. For what kind of God would deny us love? Surely, it is the just reward for any of us who believe in him, who serve him, who do as we have been commanded, and honor those who declared we should honor? Would it not be anything short of cruelty to deny us the one thing that human heart demands to experience happiness? Leah teaches us that our suppositions about God are not always true, and she reminds that his intents often exceed our happiness and fulfillment. Sometimes God's plans include our suffering and the sacrifice of our dreams.

Oh, it hurts. I know how much it hurts as time and time again he has asked that I watch as others receive the very things that I have asked him to grant me. I have witnessed blessing poured out on those who do not honor him as I do, and good gifts given to some who have never sacrificed on his behalf. And in that moment, I am confronted with a choice. Do I indulge my petty nature or do I try to see the grander purposes that God may have in mind for me? For my children? For this world? For eternity? Can I play a part or will I be consigned to the sidelines, a footnote in my own story, because I allowed my sense of entitlement to steal what joy I have been given?

See, Leah was not totally forgotten. Each time she was given a son, the Bible declares it because God heard her, he remembered her, and heeded her. He knew what she was suffering and he gave her good gifts in the midst of her pain, even if he did not obliterate the cause of that pain. Leah finally got it. It took her years, maybe even decades, but she finally understood that she had a choice to be keep hoping for what she was never destined to have and live in the agony of disappointed hope or to rejoice over what she had been given. She declares as much in the names she gave to her children.

And I wonder what matters more to her now, that even her memory is clouded by the name of her sister or that her children would become the kings and priests of the nation, that her sons would be the father's of a people through which God would bless the whole world, and that the salvation of all humanity can be traced back to time when she was nothing more than a pawn? As a mother, I can only imagine that she would celebrate the triumphs of her children even at the expense of her own dreams and the fleeting happiness she thought needed. Leah's romance was not with Jacob, it was with a God who destined her to participate in a legacy greater than the love of any one man could have ever been.

Reader's Question: What Are Your Thoughts On Déjà Vu? Or A Glitch In The Matrix

Reader's Question: What are your thoughts on déjà vu?

First of all, let’s establish this up front – there is no direct Biblical teaching for us to refer to on this topic. The term déjà vu is a French term meaning “already seen”, so pulling out your concordance will not help you on this one as the Bible was written well before the French language was even a thing. However, that does not mean that the Bible has nothing to say about it. It just means that we have to dig a little to find it. So grab hold as we explore this little glitch in the matrix because this is the longest answer to a question I have given yet.

Second, we need to distinguish between the three types of déjà vu that people are often referencing when they talk about this phenomena, or more precisely, we need to distinguish between the sources cited for the experience.

The first source people often credit is neural misfiring. They dismiss it as a glitch of the brain due to stress, fatigue, or some random event among neurons, which is one possible legitimate reason. The brain is highly complex and perfect functioning is reliant on many factors that can be thrown out of whack for a host of reasons. Personally, I have seem to have far more occurrences of déjà vu when I am overly tired, and I tend to attribute the majority of these during times of stress to this cause. However, that is not to say that I believe this is the only cause for it.

The second source many people cite is reincarnation, particularly when visiting place of historic significance either to themselves personally or in a grander scheme of things.  Many of the people I have talked to who have ascribed to a belief in reincarnation have told me that it was a déjà vu experience that first prompted first their curiosity in reincarnation and eventual acceptance of it as fact after investigating what they deemed to be corroborating accounts.

We need to be perfectly clear on this – there is no place for reincarnation within Christian theology. This is an issue that the Bible addresses with total clarity.

And just as it is appointed for man to die once,

 and after that comes judgement. 

Hebrew 9:27

However, this does not mean that we should dismiss anyone’s experience with déjà vu. When you think about it once you are out of high school, this is a rather weird thing to try and fake. To even admit that this occurs to you on a somewhat regular and reliable basis can be seen as admission of total weirdness, being out of touch with reality, and delusion. That, and I think it is rather rude to invalidate anyone’s experience as a lie or to deny the impact it has had on their lives.

Before we jump to the third reason, we need to examine what are some of the possible reasons why this occurs that do not affirm reincarnation. One theory is that somewhere inside of what is sometimes referred to as “junk DNA” the memories of our ancestors have been encoded and passed on to us, and that we somehow have a cellular memory of certain places. I do not know if this is correct or even possible, but I am open to the possibility. This theory violates no Scriptural teachings and is a rather cool reminder that God has an infinite imagination that we are just catching the merest glimpse of in this life.

A second theory is a little more sinister, and one that I believe does happen as I have experienced it. As I have mentioned before, I believe in a spiritual realm wherein both angels and demons reside. I believe in a cosmic battle for the hearts and minds of humanity. I believe that evil does not fight fair and it does not show itself in the light lest it be identified and rejected. The easiest way to describe this theory is simply to share my story.

I once lived in house that was built in 1840-something. The events that happened there would take up far more space than allotted for this blog post, but there was no denying that something spiritual was taking place and they were witnessed by more than just me. One of the events was the reoccurring sound of music, specifically a cello, violin, and piano. Guess who lived there before I did? If you guessed musicians who played these instruments and died long before I ever set foot on the property, you would be correct. Along with the music were many of what I call pseudo-memories, for lack of a better term, and when I would mention them, others who knew the family history of this house would confirm what I knew to be accurate.

During a trip back to Oklahoma, a friend showed up at my doorstep one morning telling me that he had a message for me that could not wait. He told me about how demons had been around since the dawn of time, how they had lived side by side with humans, watching our every move, listening in to our conversations, and collecting memories of their own. He then asked one very pointed question that I had never considered, “What if they are trying to pass off their memories as our memories, trying to get us to believe that we were the ones who experienced these things, and not them?”

Instantly, I knew that he had hit upon a truth. As if to further confirm the point, from that day forward every non-human thing that lived in that house turned hostile towards me, but those events are a tale for another day. As you may guess, this has led me to approach all experiences with déjà vu with caution and a healthy dose of skepticism concerning its origin which I think is a right and fitting response to any event of a spiritual nature.

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, 

but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, 

for many false prophets have gone into our world. 

By this you know the Spirit of God; 

every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 

and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. 

This is the spirit of the antichrist, 

which you have heard was coming and now is in the world already. 

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, 

for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 

They are from the world, therefore they speak from the world, 

and the world listens to them. We are from God. 

Who knows God listens to us; 

whoever is not from God does not listen to us. 

By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. 

1 John 4:1-6

The third source for déjà vu is little trickier, but something I think we need to make room for in our consideration. It is not infrequent for me to have dreams about an upcoming event or conversation. I am not sharing this out of any sense of pride or privilege, because it is not always an easy thing to grapple with nor was it something I sought out. I will also find myself have what I consider rather innocuous conversations with people I know and trust about sensitive but random issues. In the course of these conversations, I often find myself blurting out a new idea or perspective that I had not known was lying about the recesses of my mind, and I am stunned at having articulated it so well. (I would be remiss if I did not pause to acknowledge that I consider these moments nothing less than the guidance of the Holy Spirit because I am daily confronted with the fact that I am not that smart.)

I can usually set a clock by what will happen next – I will encounter a bizarre situation that there was no humanly possible way to prepare for, but I will know what to do because I have already experienced it on some level, either in dream or in that supposedly random conversation. Having been prepared for that moment, I can respond with wisdom and compassion for others that was the direct result of the dreams and conversations, and I have had the privilege of being able to speak the words that aided in their healing and growth. Something I would not have been able to do without preparation that moved me beyond my own concerns.

I want you to notice the difference here between these events. In the first event, at the haunted/possessed house, the emphasis was on me and what I perceived in the situation. The goal was for me to ponder what I knew, what special abilities I possessed, and what may have happened in my life. When I failed to accept the fraud as good or right, the result was a full out assault designed to produce fear in my heart and mind.  In the second event, it is not about me. In fact, it has almost absolutely nothing to do with me other than I was willing to move on what I had been shown in a previous instance. The outgrowth of those moments was to move the attention away from me and back to the Father who desires the best for his children, a Father who desires that we be whole and maturing individuals, and a Father who is willing to do the incredible on our behalf. It is just as likely and easier for him to utilize the talents of an ass as it is for him to include me in this moment. (Numbers 22).

In those times I have been reluctant to use what he has shared with me, I do not feel fear or intimidation. Instead, I am grieved that I missed out on a chance to be a part of what he is doing because that is my ultimate desire – to be where he is and doing what he is doing. It really is that simple, and please, do not ask me to give you a “prophetic word” or to tell your fortune. That is not how this works, and God’s revelations are not parlor tricks for anyone’s amusement or self-aggrandizement. Instead, I urge you to be seeking him for yourself, and be open to those times when he chooses to speak into your life.

There is a legitimate place in our faith for supernatural revelation and insight, but it is never anything to be taken lightly. And I do not believe that it is something anyone should seek out. Instead, we are to be seeking him. Not the glitz and the glamour that is often associated with the prophetic ministries, but him – Our God, Our Father, Our Redeemer, Our Jesus, and if you are only looking for what he can give you, you have missed the boat.

And in the last days it shall be, God declares, 

that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, 

and your young men shall see visions and your old men shall see dreams; 

Act 2:17

But back to our discussion on déjà vu, I do not think that it is any accident that enemy tries to counterfeit what God is doing. I believe it is by design. What would be a more effective way to derail people in the search for God than to appeal to their sense of uniqueness and pride in their abilities? What greater tool does the enemy have then our own senses that can be turned against us, that can be used to distract us from the truth of God’s Word and love? Demonically inspired déjà vu is used for that purpose, and that purpose alone, to entice us to look for answers and meanings outside of Father’s desire for us. There is no hope, no vision for the future in it. It is locked in a dead past, and designed to keep our hearts and thoughts captive there – a time and place that we can never have any effect upon - so that we will never be effective ministers of God in this moment.

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, 

but blessed is he who keeps the law. 

Proverbs 29:18

For I know the plans the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

Jeremiah 29:11

And that is why we have to be willing to test the spirits and we need to be immersing ourselves in God’s Word. God is never offended when we do as he commanded, when we step back and search out confirmation on these things from within the Scripture. That is precisely what he wants us to do, and I believe that he rejoices when we are obedient in handling these revelations with the care and respect that he has decreed we should have. His Word is the litmus test against which all spiritual events should be measured. For how else are we going to be able to tell the Spirit of Truth from the spirit of error?  And this is something we really need to get right.

One Of Those Days

So it is going to be one of those days. You know the days where all the reality that you have been shoving aside in order to keep functioning comes rushing past the dam you have so carefully constructed in your mind and heart? Yeah, one of those days.

Bills have come crashing in, people you thought you could count on fail you, and even the stupid computer won’t let me get through a single blog post without wanting to update despite the fact I have limited time to get this done. Oh, the agony of being me! Excuse me while I go rail against the world for a bit, while I lose sight of all the miraculous things that have happened over the past few weeks and months, while I forget all the monsters slain and moldering because there is a fresh wave on the horizon, and I don’t feel like picking up my sword one more time. Instead, I think I will look for a rock to climb under, if I can find one big enough and one not threatening to topple over and crush me.

On days like this I used to tell people that I should have stayed in bed, but with my luck the ceiling fan would fall on me. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when one day the ceiling fan did, in fact, fall. Thankfully, it happened on day I did get out of bed so the damage was limited to a cloud of dust that covered my room. (And by the way, just to be honest, that “thankfully” was obligatory rather than heartfelt. I was rather irritated about the whole affair.)

I try to have the proper attitude. I really do. I suppose I must succeed on some level because people are always telling me how positive and encouraging I am. You’re welcome, glad to help, and that is wonderful. And I do mean it. I want to be an encourager. I make very intentional and carefully weighed decisions about what I say and what I share because encouraging one another is something I think we should all be actively striving to do. How could I expect less of myself than I would of others? So I put effort into being positive.

But sometimes, if we aren’t careful, that turns into hypocrisy. We become those people whose lives seem to scream, “Look at me! See me! I have it all together, why don’t you?” When the truth of the matter is they are falling apart inside and too scared to admit that today they just aren’t feeling it. Today, they just want the freedom to be down and frustrated with this life.

So today, I am frustrated. I am down. I am worn out and done in. Life is too big to be whooped, and I am the one taking a beating. And that is okay.

Notice that I didn’t say it is fun. I didn’t start doing a hallelujah dance or brush it off as inconsequential. My emotions matter. They have a purpose and value. God did not give them to me and then expect me to deny that they are real. He didn’t tell me that path to holiness is in denial of anything that isn’t all rainbow fuzzies and unicorn farts, and he didn’t say that I am sinful to acknowledging how I feel. And most importantly, he didn’t say that I was being unfaithful in feeling this way.

In an age of pop preachers and carefully coiffed TV evangelists who make their living with the promise of happiness, too many of us have started thinking that feeling anything other than a desire to give a gleaming smile to the world is nothing short of sin. It’s time that we get it straight – our sadness and frustration is not a betrayal of God, it is a demonstration of the fact that their shallow theology just won’t cut it in the real world.

But, but, but, we should rejoice in the Lord always! That is what it says in the Bible! You sow happiness and joy so that you can reap happiness and joy! Change your stinking thinking and your emotions will fall into line – oh, the protests I can hear as I type!

I have but one thing to say to all of that: “Jesus wept.”

Now, tell me this, just how sinful was he being in that moment? Be very careful in how you answer that lest you be guilty of blaspheme.

We could dive deeper and read some of his biting remarks to the Pharisees and his disciples. We could stop and consider the Garden of Gethsemane. We could consider Isaiah 53:3.

He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. 

Emotions, even the big bad ugly ones, are not evil. They are not sinful. They just are. You don’t get to legislate them, and you don’t get to turn them off by becoming some spiritual creature who is above such things. Jesus didn’t, why do we think that we should have it better than him? To think such a thing is arrogance, and that is one emotion that the Bible does call sin.

So you own them. You look them in the eye, and see them for what they are. They are real. They are powerful, and they are tools for understanding ourselves and this world we inhabit. They do not define us, they do not get to rule us, but that does not mean they are without value or purpose. Acknowledging how we feel is the first step to authenticity and is an act of integrity and strength. When we gather them all up, take them to Father, and declare the truth of our experience, we are walking in faith and exhibiting hope in the knowledge that he is greater than anything that has hurt our hearts, but we cannot give to Father what we do not own.

For me, today stinks. I don’t want to feel all of this, and I don’t want to deal with all the things that are frustrating me. I just don’t, and that is the truth as plainly as I know how to put it short of a few colorful metaphors. Eventually, I will get past it. I will be able to remember some of the greater truths of my life, and I will find the will to celebrate the good things Father has given me. I will be able to rest in the hope of his promises to me, but not right now. Not in this moment, because it would be a lie and a denial of how he created me. So I will throw my little pity party, I’ll invite Father over and serve him a cup of coffee if he likes, and whine a bit. He will listen, and he won’t patronize or toss Scripture at me. He will acknowledge my pain as valid, and invite me to give it all to him. And in that moment, I will begin to feel the joy of anticipation as I wonder what grand and marvelous thing he will create from my painful honesty.

Psalms 107 – Beating My Head Against A Wall

Oh, give thanks to the LORD for He is good, for his lovingkindness is everlasting. Psalm 107:2

It has taken me awhile to get this next post up because, wow, I have never encountered a word whose definition was so incredibly abstract that no one seems to know the definitive definition. The word in Hebrew is חֶסֶד translated above as “lovingkindness.” However, a quick look at how it is translated in other versions or even just different places in the same version of the Bible, you are going to find that the translators offer several different translations of the word: lovingkindness, enduring love, mercy, and faithfulness – I think that just about covers it.

Now, before anyone flies into a panic, let me just say that these are all good translations of the word. They are all valid, and they convey an aspect of the Hebrew word that is right and correct. The problem I was having with the word is the fact every time it has been translated into English we make this jump from a concrete action, the basis for Hebraic thought, into the abstract, and what can possibly be more abstract than love? Or kindness? Or even faithfulness, for that matter?

I have spent hours and days exhausting every Bible commentary, Hebrew dictionary, and tool I had in my personal library. I broke it down into the paleo-Hebrew components. I read pretty much every verse in the Bible where this word is used, and eventually, I turned to Google. From there I read article after article, some that pretty good, most fairly shallow, and even stumbled into a few that I am certain were nothing more than recipes for witchcraft. It was at this point that I had to admit, I was beating my head against the wall, and I did what any good Bible scholar does when they are stumped. I went to sleep.

As I was drifting off, I prayed the most righteous of prayers – “A little help would be nice.”

Ok, so maybe more of prayer with a touch of an attitude, but God knows my heart and I don’t have to worry about making it all pretty for him.

I had this really cool dream, which I can’t remember most of, but I do remember thinking I need to remember this because it is cool. The one thing I do remember is using tweezers to put pale blue stones into settings on a golden garment that was flung over His shoulder. (I told you it was cool.) The second thing I remember was that as I woke up and my feet hit the floor, I was mumbling to myself without being fully aware of what I was saying. When my yet-to-be-caffeinated mind finally grabbed onto the words, I heard myself saying, “It is all about keeping the right things in, and the wrong things out.”

This sent me scurrying to my notes, because Rule Number 32 of Biblical translation says, “Personal revelation never trumps what is written.” If you ever want to screw your theology up to the point that you need seven and a half miracles to straighten yourself out, start relying on the things you think God is telling you more than this Word he has given you.

So I went back to the verses where we can find this word.

And he said, “O LORD, God of my master Abraham please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham.” Genesis 24:12

This was the prayer of Abraham’s servant as he searched for a bride for Isaac, Abraham’s son. So far so good, this prayer is all about keeping the right things in and the wrong things out. In other words, the definition given to me works, but once is never enough, so I moved on.

If I am alive, show me steadfast love of the LORD, that I may not die; and do not cut off your steadfast love from my house forever, when the LORD cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth. 1 Samuel 20: 14, 15

Here it was used between Jonathan and David as they worked to preserve their friendship in the face of Saul’s wrath towards David. Again, the definition works. Jonathan knows that David would only be doing what was expected of him if he chose to kill all of Saul’s heirs as they had a perceived claim to the throne God had promised David. Jonathan asks that life be protected and death be denied entrance into their friendship.

When my life was fainting away, I remembered the LORD, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But with a voice of thanksgiving I will sacrifice to you what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the LORD. Jonah 2:7-9

This is the prayer of Jonah, and his capitulation to God’s call on his life. The statement he makes about how those who “pay regard to false idols forsake their hope of steadfast love” is interesting. Can we forsake the hope that the right things will be kept in and the wrongs things be kept out if we fail to remain faithful to our God? It certainly had to look that way to man who was on the verge of becoming fish vomit, but he is acknowledging that God is still there, responsive to his prayer, and God still has the power to act on his behalf, to save him.

Jeremiah speaks of God’s “everlasting love” in chapter 31 as he describes how God will change their mourning into joy, and again we see how even in the punishment of exile, God is protecting and purifying his people. In other words, he is keeping the right things in and forcing the wrong things out. Ezra identifies God’s “steadfast love” as the reason the king allowed him to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the city. He specifically states that God “put such a thing as this into the heart of the king, to beautify the house of the LORD God.” Did you get that? God put the right thing in the king’s heart to accomplish his purposes, and Ezra identifies the cause as God’s steadfast love. We could spend months going over the Psalms and all the ways the word is used there, but let’s just look at the one at hand.

In Psalm 107 alone, the writer uses the word חֶסֶד six times in verses 1, 8, 15, 21, 31, and 43. Four of those times it is used in a refrain:

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works for the children of man!

The only variation of its usage occurs in verse one and in the final verse which states:

Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things, let them consider the steadfast love the LORD. 

If you go through Psalm 107 you will find that is a list of various examples of God’s steadfast love. Notice how concrete they are, and how they extend over every aspect of human existence. The examples pull from physical circumstance, the oppression of others, things we do to ourselves, the risks in work life, natural disasters, and spiritual battles. All of it pointing to God’s direct action to protect, to educate, to provide, and to deliver.

This is not a word that denotes some type of detached benevolence.  This is God stepping into the pages of history, in the realm of our existence so that we might know his love, so that we might experience his personal care. It is a picture of him surrounding us with a love that only allows the right things in and is actively working to keep the wrong things out. We are being shown that we are participants with him, receiving his faithfulness to move on our behalf as we respond in kind. There is nothing abstract about this concept, and nothing passive in his love. It is a vital force that inspires and empowers us to join with him in removing those things in our lives that do not honor him. We operate in חֶסֶד when embody God’s love through acts of kindness and mercy. When we invest of ourselves, become active participants in alleviating and suffering, when aid in another’s deliverance, and when we are willing to get our hands dirty so that another might know our Lord, we are helping expel the wrong things in this world and inviting in the right things in the form of God’s lovingkindness.

And his lovingkindness endures forever! It is everlasting! He will never cease to be the one standing between us and the world, us and our enemies, even when that enemy is ourselves. He was, is, and always will be that wall of protection around us, and he is inviting us to play a part in what he is doing in this world. For he desires that all may know him and experience his love, and what better way than for those of us who have received it to demonstrate its redeeming power than following the example of his work in our lives? In doing so we proclaim that his love will never run out, never be used up, and never wear thin, it is abundant and everlasting, overflowing out of our lives into the world as proof of its enduring nature. What more do need to be inspired to thank him?

To get in at the beginning of our look at Psalm 107 start here: O, Give Thanks To the LORD. The second in the series is Digging Deeper Psalm 107, third What's In A Name?, and fourth For He Is Good