A Love Story

Warning Emily Rant:

I want to tell you little story.

Once upon a time there was sweet little gal who fell in love. Her whole heart was given over to a man who promised to love her forever. She adored him and was willing to do whatever it took to be with him. Then one day the man smacked the crap out of her for hanging his clothes up incorrectly.

Now most of you would say this is a good place for their story to end, but it didn't. You see, she loved him and you can't chose who you love.

She knew this to be true because that is what she had been told her whole life. Everyone agreed that she was at the mercy of her heart and that to betray love was a grievous sin. So she stayed, and he doled out punishments for each and every infraction of his ever changing code. If she rinsed the dishes wrong, failed to stay in the proper part of the house, or grabbed the wrong wrench when helping him fix the car, he made certain that she paid - right up until the night she dared to repeat something she had read about the 1970's oil crises that he deemed to be worthy of strangulation.

That was the night that she realized that she loved something else more - her two kids, and she called the cops.

Now why would I share this little snippet about my life? Because it is an excellent illustration about how damaging our society's favorite lie is in the lives of people who chose to believe and how we apply with great hypocrisy when it suits our needs.

And what are our needs?

Our need to justify our actions and selfishness in the name of love.

There has been a lot written about the irresistible power of love, how we can't chose who we love, and why we must never question or challenge the right of one person to love another. We have been indoctrinated with idea since we were children, had it reinforced as teens, and try to live our lives according to it as adults. And over and over again, this lie has destroyed lives and damaged far too many of us to count.

Yet, we keep telling ourselves it is true. We cling to it as if it were the only hope of happiness in this world, all the while suffering from ill begotten relationships that may quite literally be killing us.

We want it to be true, but we only want it to be true for ourselves. We want a justification for why we chase after the married man, the woman that cheats, the person who is so incredibly wrong for us that only something as nonsensical as love can explain.

However, on the flip side, we do not want it to be true for others. We don't want our spouse to suddenly declare that they cannot chose who they love and it happens to be their secretary or personal trainer. We don't want it to be true for our children when they decide to get involved with the drug addict. We don't want it to be true for our friend in the abusive relationship, because for them we can see how harmful submission to this lie can be.

No, we only want it to be true for ourselves. We like the idea that we can cast off any moral or ethical obligations and society will understand, approve even, of our choice. After all, we have bought into the collective lie and we celebrate it - be it in Romeo and Juliet's tragedy or the latest TV show written to condition us further as the lead character accepts that his spouse can no longer make him as happy as his co-worker.

Why do we do this? Selfishness is one great reason, but I think that is only part of the story. I think a bigger piece is the fact that in our minds we have confused attraction with love and made all things sexually appealing synonymous with love. And if this were true and accurate, there would then be some truth and accuracy in the statement that we cannot chose who we love.

Attraction is an unruly beast that often takes us by storm, leaving us to wonder at its intensity and reason. It can be baffling and delightful, the first steps towards love, but few of us stop to consider that attraction is merely that - a biological impulse to draw closer to another whose biology appeals to ours. Looks, pheromones, mannerisms the pluck at some distant memory of someone else we held in high esteem, witty conversation, shared interests, or even just someone who challenges us with their unavailability - all of this can lure us in, give us a high, and according to the standards of our culture mimic this thing called love.

We want this to be love. We want a reason to pursue this sensation and to defend our right to take what we want. So the lie gives us permission. Permission to do and take what we want with thought to the consequences. Permission to avoid responsibility to ourselves and even to the very one we claim to love. Permission to let our bodies and desires to rule our entire existence. All because we cannot bear to tell our bodies no, or stand the pain of bringing our minds into submission to something greater than ourselves.

And today, we see the fall out of our choices all around us. Yet, we never stop to think that it is all because we chose to believe in a lie that we have called beautiful. And we will forever be at its mercy until we discover the power of true love and chose it instead - even when it hurts.